Aug 13, 2020 Diary entry: As some of you already know, Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary is shutting down for good, it has been all over the news, we have done all we can do, we have given all the advice we can give, we have told all the jokes that are fit to tell, we are tapped out like a wine bottle at a hobo party, we are empty like your mother’s cookie jar when she has gone out shopping, we are spent, depleted, and we are tired, the auditors are asking questions that I can’t answer, anyway, although we are working with a skeleton crew, there are more people around here than ever, our laid off and discharged employees spend more time here now than they did when they were working, and I have stacks of unauthorized bills on my desk to prove it, why does a diary company need an open account at Fred’s Fine Furnishings, here’s a bill from Lee Wei’s Karate Studio, and here’s a six hundred dollar bill from Aunt Sue’s Aromatherapy Emporium, how am I going to explain these expenditures to the investigators, hang on a second, I have to use the intercom, “Bzzzz”, “Click”, “Yes Mr. Paulie”?, “Yes, Madge, I want to see Jason in my office immediately, whenever he gets back from wherever it is he went”, “Yes Mr. Paulie”, “Oh, and Madge, coffee”, “Right away Mr. Paulie”, now where was I, “Bzzzz”, “Click”, “Yes Madge”?, “Mr. Paulie, there’s a man out here who says he wants to see you”, “I can’t be disturbed right now”, “But he is an auditor, and he says it’s important”, “Tell him I’m not in”, “But he can hear you speaking over the intercom”, “Tell him I’m on the intercom out in the warehouse”, “Yes Mr. Paulie”, now where was I, oh yeah, I was somewhere in town, I don’t remember where, but there were a lot of stupid people around, and I was explaining to them that our American nation has been a fascist state since it’s inception, well, they were very plainly taken aback at my announcement, I explained that the symbol of the fasces is everywhere in America, in the Senate building, the House of Representatives, on the Lincoln memorial, you see it everywhere you look, well, when such a statement is made, thoughtful and intelligent and responsible people will question your assertion every time, and the question I received was “What are fasces”, I tell you, if water were brains, we’d all have dried up and blew away, I’m living in Grand Central Dumbass Station, the Crossroads of Dumbass America, I think all the dumbest tourists from all over the world came to view my town during it’s glory days and never left, we’ve been dumbed down so far that there is nowhere to go but up, unfortunately, we don’t know what direction that is, well, there is a lot of noise coming from the crowd down in the break room, I guess I’ll go join the fun, but before i go, let me say to all of you, from all of us, although the animals can be frustrating, you gotta still love them, we wish everyone love and peace during these most exceptional days in which we live, Shalawam…

Aug 13. 2020 Diary entry: Your mama dropped you when you were a baby! She dropped you out of the wrong hole! Why is it so difficult for you to write more mainstream humor that won’t result in more death threats, we need a complete overhaul here, this little endeavor of ours is sinking fast, we need humor for the masses, not high minded stuff that the average loser can’t understand, how about safe knock knock jokes, dumb asses like knock knock jokes, how about “Knock knock”, “Who’s there”, “Albert Einstein, John Glenn, and the governor”, “Albert Einstein John Glenn, and the governor who”, “Albert Einstein, John Glenn, and the governor who are the biggest liars to come out of America since the Revolution”, is that so hard to do, let’s get down to writing stuff that doesn’t offend people, or their preconceived notions about a world that only exists within their heads, how about clown jokes, everybody likes clown jokes “What did the littlest clown in the clown car say”, “Someone had the fermented squid salad and cabbage for lunch”, “Why did the clown beat his wife”, “Because a German Shepard can really be a smart ass”, “Why did the two drunk clowns get ejected from the bar”, “Because they were clowns”, well, I’m calling a twenty four hour party/think meeting for this Friday, drinks and food will be provided, if you want extras, you’ll have to bring them yourselves, this meeting stands adjourned, shalawam…

Aug 1, 2020 Diary entry: Heavy seas, heavy weather off the horizon in the northeast, increasing squalls, noble sea birds falling out of the air, warnings over the radio, something bad is approaching, take cover all you land people, hide within whatever it is that comforts you and pull it up over your heads, they say this late season storm is going to be the worst ever recorded, as for Paulie and his daring crew, we will be out here on the sea, reporting to you from the storm’s center, we never sleep, our eyes are wide open, our words go out continually, if you choose to turn our channel off in order to listen to soft music, then dance well, as the music is about to end with a long-lasting final crescendo, this is your weatherman Paulie, saying shalawam to the most daring people of the earth, may peace follow you like your shadow, again, shalawam…

July 28, 2020 Diary entry: Hello everybody, come on in, I’m just sitting here at my desk gazing into the great gray cloud that encompasses me, as I do, I remember my good friend from back in the neighborhood, Skimmer, Skimmer had once worked out at the sewage settling ponds as a skimmer, and he was the guy who came up with all our ideas and plans, hold on, some guy on Facebook just said he had been illuminated to the truth that our government may not be what people think it is, let me reply to this guy real quick, “If you call that being illuminated, you must have been a decomposing corpse that missed the train to the landfill, and your brain was eaten by the stupidest goddamned maggots known to science!”, where do these fools come from, where was I, oh yeah, we got a lot of feedback from our Binary Nerd diary entry, unfortunately, all the feedback was from the BiNerds themselves, one guy objected to the “Jello Earth Wobble Theory”, he says the core of the earth is made up of chocolate pudding like his mother used to make, and he sent a death threat, another science lover took offence because I called his idol Neel Grassfed Raisin, an oblate hemorrhoid and a stupid kid whose mother tied his shoelaces to each other in knots so tight he fell down every time he took a step, and that’s where his wobble earth crap came from, this guy said to me “Screw you Whity”, I simply replied “Scoo yoo too”, and “Yoo cam out yoo momma’s rong hole bich”, what can you do with people nowadays, huh, well, there was a reason for this diary entry, but for the life of me, I can’t think of what it was, anyway, the smoke is beginning to fade, revealing that the clock on the wall is pointing it’s hands to two minutes to doomsday, the whole gang down here at Diary Headquarters wants to wish you so much love that you barf it up when you laugh, this is Paulie, saying keep your head in the cloud, but keep your car on the road, shalawam…

July 21, 2020 Diary entry: It is very infuriating when we keep getting the same question time and again, “Paulie what are your qualifications and education, if any?” Number one, I won first place in a good citizen contest once, number two, I don’t want to brag, but I am being forced into it, I was 8th in my high school graduating class of 292 students, quite impressive, there were 7 real losers below me, I received most of my etiquette training on Park Avenue, Park Avenue was the little gravel road that meandered through the brush land just outside the city where we drank beer and kept out of the way of our parents, as for my formal university training, I graduated from Free University, my Free University certificate hangs proudly on my office wall, so there you go, if you have any more questions, allow me to direct you to my diploma that says “F U”…

July 21, 2020 Diary entry: Margie, will you get the head of Corporate Security on line two. Thank you. Fenster, where are those files I asked for. Reginald, take this to Copy, I need fifteen of these. “Hello, I’m on line three”, “Wooster, I’m glad you called”, “Do you have that dossier I asked for?”, “I want it in here on my desk by noon”, “I don’t care if the Himalayas are snowed in”, “Get your ass on a plane!”. Has Bricker returned from his assignment yet? “Margie!”, “Where’s that goddamned coffee!” Colster, bring me the Nickols file, Burman, where’s that memo I dictated, get it down to Personnel immediately, where are the files I asked for an hour ago? Margie, call Special Security down here to sweep for bugs, then get my hat and coat, and get the magnum out of the wall safe, I have some personal business to attend to, notify the Runner that I have another job for him, give this to the Special Courier, I want it delivered at exactly 3:00 PM, and send along an armed guard to make sure he gets there. “Where’s that goddamned coffee!”, whew, there is so much more to closing down a struggling multi national diary than you might think, this little endeavor of ours grew into somewhat of a monster over the years, we fed and nourished a small idea until it became a great angry colossus that threatened to devour us, and now here we are today, putting the lid on a great stinking trash can that even the rats reject, we made this mess and we will clean it up, Margie, call my wife and tell her I won’t be home for supper, I’ll call her when I land, “I asked for coffee!”, “Get Wooster back on the phone”. “I want him to drop what he’s doing and get on the Clayton case”. Well, I’m sorry we don’t have a diary entry for you today, but it’s just been a madhouse around here the past week, I’ll have one of our writers rerun some of our old stuff if he can locate the records, we moved all our transcripts out of the warehouse and they are now in my cousin’s apartment, okay then, I have business to take care of, this is Paulie saying, “Marge!”, “Where’s that goddamned coffee!”…

July 19, 2020 Diary entry: Wat up dogs, just sittin’ round the crib chillin’ agin, that’s what we call our house out here in the Midwest, our “crib”, we are in the very heart of corn country, we are the Heart of Gold, Corn Gold, within the desolate nation known as Babylon, anyway, I really made a fool of myself yesterday at the bar, I asked the lady bartender if she had an ice cold root beer, she said “oh god” and exhaled like she was trying to blow boogers out of her nose, I was so embarrassed, she was pretty too, anyway, I’m better than all the other guys she smiles at, who all have one foot in the dangerous jungle, and the other foot in Fairy Land, they all chew on stubby cigars in front of the ladies, but they are serious lollipop suckers in private, anyway, have you ever known a person who had one of those faces you swear you’ve seen before, you know, very familiar, I had that kind of face as a kid, whenever someone saw a person put dog crap on a porch stoop, cat crap in a mailbox, or slice a golf ball through a broken window, and they tried to finger me, I would say that I have one of those familiar faces that remind you of someone else, anyway, yesterday at the bar, a kindly old drunken man at the end of the bar was friendlier to Paulie than the lady bartender, he told me a joke and I’ll pass it along, “How do you know the squirrel who lives in your bushes has been driving your car”? “The seat is all the way up”, “You see the ground in the rear view”, “There is a Greatest Nuts Of The Seventies CD in the player”, and “There are little drops of what look like chocolate on the seat”, oh, and “There are acorn shells all over your floor mats”, and “He drops the keys in the driveway because they are too heavy for him to carry to the house”, well, Paulie is going to wrap this up and head back down to the bar and ask that lady bartender for something that will really knock her socks off, okay then, I bid you all much peace and love, may your light burn brighter with each passing day, shalawam…

July 9, 2020 Diary entry: Do you remember those Smith Brothers Wild Cherry cough drops, they were awesome, do you remember the pure white box with a bright red cherry on it, and pictures of the heads of the Smith brothers, they looked like those old dudes from the 1865’s, and they had beards like Lincoln, they actually looked like Lincoln, do you suppose they were clones, could they have had clone technology back in Lincoln’s time, if they did, they could have killed the clone Lincoln instead of the real one, after all, John Wilkes Booth was a Jesuit trained Free Mason, they could have done a “False Floyd” on Lincoln like the Free Masons did today, they say there is nothing new under the sun, and there’s nothing new about Free Masonic shenanigans, that’s for sure, anyway, it begs the question, who exactly did invent the Smith Brothers Wild Cherry cough drops, was it truly the Smith brothers, or did the real Lincoln invent them, these are questions for the ages I guess, anyway, one more thing, is it true that a hummingbird can’t stop flapping his wings or he’ll die, that’s what I was taught as a kid and I was wondering if I was being screwed with again, it seems that everyone used to screw with me, my teachers, my friends, my big brother, my pastor, my government, I just want to know if the hummingbird thing is real, because how do they sleep at night, and don’t their pillows end up outside the nest, and how do they know when their wives are angry with them if they never stop flapping their wings, so many questions, and not enough time for the answers, well, there is one thing that Paulie will never question, and that is his love for you, I wish you peace…

July 8, 2020 Diary entry: In a previous Diary entry, Paulie never even told his Hindu man “snake in the basket” joke, yet he has been receiving numerous complaints about causing deviant mental anguish among the sheep of the nation in which he resides, you Egyptians have just got to lighten up, Amnun, your ram-headed sheep god that you refer to as the Lamb of God, he isn’t angry with Paulie, and neither should you be, that one “eye” in the sky isn’t angry either, and he is not on me, he is on you, the one eyed monster is on your back like a frightened monkey, the “one-eyed snake” has wrapped himself around you like an anaconda, and his “one eye” is staring in your face, now that that bit of news is out of the way, we will move on to new business, Paulie has just learned how the elite communicate with each other, they use signs, symbols, and key words and phrases, once you learn the code, you know what they are saying, let me give you an example, the other day our governor was on television telling people that the best treatment for impaired lung function is now partial suffocation, he was explaining the new numbers and dragging on like politicians do, to put you half asleep so they can do their word magic on you, well, if I read his key words and phrases right, he was actually saying that he was bored and he wanted to just go home and get out of his suit and tie, and relax in the hot tub and make out with his boy dog, he also subliminally said “corn casserole” is not what the masses think it is, and that when the governors “corn gets high” in July, he will “boil it” in the nearest pot, I’m new at this decoding thing, but I think I’m catching on, I think I have worked out using gematria that “flattening the curve” resonates with the term “I’m a lying dirt bag”, well, this new translation system really works, you should all give it a try, start translating your governor’s words for your friends and family, believe me, it is one heck of a conversation starter, but be forewarned, Paulie had a bowl of soup poured in his lap and some full beer cans thrown at his head, if I wasn’t such a dedicated teacher, I would have never taken on the job of teaching such a wretched bunch of students in the festering slums of Babylon, but hey, we all must go where we are needed right? This is Paulie, always willing to teach, and willing to send his undying and uncoded love to those whom he loves, shalawam to the beautiful people of earth, again, shalawam…

July 6, 2020 Diary entry: Now I’m not one to spread false information, but I heard that the one guy running for U.S. president is what they call a pediac, yeah, I think a pediac is a bicycle rider who is a bleeder, you know, he crashes his bicycle and he bleeds, that’s the story I got, and my sources are sure, I have many investigators and advisors on my team of truth, we are forever marching forward to bring you the latest truth, I am being advised by some guy who spent time in the military before he developed what is called a “bum leg”, at first I thought the liquor store owner called him a dirty bum but he was wrong, he says he was a decorated cook during the Panama Invasion, and he earned his award because he once fished a guy out of the canal with one of those giant steel spoons they stir the oatmeal with, also, I have an inside contact with a guy who delivers the lunches at the CDC, he is my source for all the new numbers and the new health suggestions that seem a bit iffy to me, but then I’m no expert on partial suffocation as a treatment for lung conditions, my financial advisor keeps me updated on Wall Street shenanigans, but he is a bit of a pain, all he does is lay around my apartment complaining about always being broke; my web of information gatherers stretches across a three county area, if something happens, I get it first, Paulie understands that the road to truth twists and turns, and most often leads to nowhere, but with grit and determination, Paulie and his team will lead you somewhere, that is our job, and we take our job seriously, let us take you down our path, we want you along, so snug up the laces on your hiking boots, pack an extra sandwich, and come along, we have truth mountains to climb and it is getting late, shalawam…