June 4, 2023- I just procured a military grade Survival Tweezer made from the highest grade surgical steel available. My Survival Tweezer has a compass mounted on the handle cap, and when it has been unthreaded, access is gained to an interior compartment that stores waterproof matches, string, extra fish hooks, and a detailed map of the area which is gridded off into sector quadrants. An emergency strobe has been integrated into the underside of the end cap which can be used to alert friendly forces, or cause seizures in the enemy. A deep laser-cut knurled dioptic adjusting ring can focus an intense beam of light up to 1,000 feet away. This tool has afforded me comfort and security, but I am saddened to report that I lost it somewhere between the parking lot and the restaurant. The next Survival Tweezer I procure will be equipped with a lanyard or a belt clip, for sure. Well, keep your security equipment safe out there.
I Was A Lister
September 21, 2022- I spent most of my life making lists. Almost every day I would make a list of what I was going to do tomorrow, and I made lists of all the things I listed yesterday that I was going to do today. I kept a running list of all the lists I had listed over the past months, I had everything figured out, everything that I would do over the next days, months, and years. But I became so wrapped up in keeping lists and planning new lists, that I never got around to actually doing the things on my lists.
Nixon’s Redacted Gap
Sept 9, 2022- A transcript of Nixon’s 18 minute gap was found at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate but it was heavily redacted. We gots it but we don’t gots it.
Bill At The Gates
Sept 6, 2022- You better be careful because the man standing at the Pearly Gates may be Bill. No shirt, no shoes, no shot, no admittance.
Never Go Against The Family
July 15, 2022- Don’t go against the family. Never go against the family. If you go against the McDonalds family you will sleep with the Filet-O-Fishes.
July 10, 2022- I am a beautiful flower that needs fertilizer to grow, I just wish the world wasn’t full of it.
Nov 20, 2021 I’m not saying that the people around here are stupid or anything, but the local motorcycle gang wears leather jackets with the words Hell’s Angles on the back.
A Little Thanksgiving Colonoscopic Miracle
Nov 20, 2021 During this most recent Thanksgiving holiday season I would like to share with the nation what it is that I am most thankful for. I am thankful that my president has incurred and endured a most successful colonoscopic procedure. Please allow me to quote my president. Mr. Biden is quoted as saying “My usual practitioner Anthony Fauchie was not the attending physician”. “Filling in and taking up the slack for Doctor Fauchie was his cousin Doctor Ouchie”.
Oct 2, 2021 As Mr. Stanley said to Dr. Livingstone when he found him in the jungle, “Do you have any leech salve”?
I WANT A LITTLE GREEN ALIEN WOMAN
Aug 5,2021 They say that there is a clone robot invasion coming, I say it already happened a hundred years ago. The whole world seems to be government programmed, vaccinated, stamped and certified machines. My last date was a GSA Model 1000X 2nd Generation Android with Flexible Antennae. She thought the election process was working well except for the problem with voter identification. She thought that Trump had gotten a raw deal. She really loves Chris Christie’s dog. She says that our county’s health inspector’s intelligence is on the genius level. It was the longest date in my life and I threw up my Cracker Barrel noodle dinner in the parking lot. Bring on the alien invasion already, I need someone to talk to. I’m dreaming of a little green alien woman who is a good conversationalist and who doesn’t suck her noodles like she’s a jet engine taking off from La Guardia. The dating scene is wack man.