September 21, 2022- I spent most of my life making lists. Almost every day I would make a list of what I was going to do tomorrow, and I made lists of all the things I listed yesterday that I was going to do today. I kept a running list of all the lists I had listed over the past months, I had everything figured out, everything that I would do over the next days, months, and years. But I became so wrapped up in keeping lists and planning new lists, that I never got around to actually doing the things on my lists.
Nixon’s Redacted Gap
Sept 9, 2022- A transcript of Nixon’s 18 minute gap was found at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate but it was heavily redacted. We gots it but we don’t gots it.
Bill At The Gates
Sept 6, 2022- You better be careful because the man standing at the Pearly Gates may be Bill. No shirt, no shoes, no shot, no admittance.
Never Go Against The Family
July 15, 2022- Don’t go against the family. Never go against the family. If you go against the McDonalds family you will sleep with the Filet-O-Fishes.
July 10, 2022- I am a beautiful flower that needs fertilizer to grow, I just wish the world wasn’t full of it.
Nov 20, 2021 I’m not saying that the people around here are stupid or anything, but the local motorcycle gang wears leather jackets with the words Hell’s Angles on the back.
A Little Thanksgiving Colonoscopic Miracle
Nov 20, 2021 During this most recent Thanksgiving holiday season I would like to share with the nation what it is that I am most thankful for. I am thankful that my president has incurred and endured a most successful colonoscopic procedure. Please allow me to quote my president. Mr. Biden is quoted as saying “My usual practitioner Anthony Fauchie was not the attending physician”. “Filling in and taking up the slack for Doctor Fauchie was his cousin Doctor Ouchie”.
Oct 2, 2021 As Mr. Stanley said to Dr. Livingstone when he found him in the jungle, “Do you have any leech salve”?
I WANT A LITTLE GREEN ALIEN WOMAN
Aug 5,2021 They say that there is a clone robot invasion coming, I say it already happened a hundred years ago. The whole world seems to be government programmed, vaccinated, stamped and certified machines. My last date was a GSA Model 1000X 2nd Generation Android with Flexible Antennae. She thought the election process was working well except for the problem with voter identification. She thought that Trump had gotten a raw deal. She really loves Chris Christie’s dog. She says that our county’s health inspector’s intelligence is on the genius level. It was the longest date in my life and I threw up my Cracker Barrel noodle dinner in the parking lot. Bring on the alien invasion already, I need someone to talk to. I’m dreaming of a little green alien woman who is a good conversationalist and who doesn’t suck her noodles like she’s a jet engine taking off from La Guardia. The dating scene is wack man.
Music Music Music
Apr 2, 2021 Diary entry: It’s springtime here in the Midwest, and that means it’s time for love and music. Our annual Stars Over The Barnyard spring music festival is coming up soon, people will be flooding into this end of the county to see and hear the likes of Barry Patch and His Quiltwork Field Hands do their famous “Well Diggers Don’t Know (How Deep My Love Is For You”, “I’ll String The Fencin’, You String The Beans”, and their rousing rendition of “Floozie In The Henhouse”, “Please Don’t Mash My Potato Love”, “Why Must You String My Bean Along”, “Truck Patch Lover”, and “Corn Fed Woman”. Bonie Splinters and His Ham Strung Boys were selected as the best county music artists of 2020, and some of their hits include “Well Water Woman (Slake My Thirst)”, “The Cows Ain’t Comin’ Home No More”, “My Love Basket’s Got A Hole (And I Can’t Hold You)”, “Snagged Up On Your Barbwire Heart”, “Dog Paw Love”, and “Chicken Coop Lady”. Tiny Timmie Tightman and His Loose Bib Boys will have everyone tappin’ their overshoes to the beat of “Oh Weevil Weevil, She So Evil”, “Watermelon Tears On My Pillow”, “Our Love Turned Cold At The Ice Cream Social”, “Hog Belly Blues”, “Side Meat Serenade”, and “Put Your Hoe Down Sally (I Got Something To Tell You)”. Sweet Pinkie and His Crimson Tuba Trio always knock the barn door down with “Cold Feet And Galoshes”, “Your Muddy Boots Tell The Story”, “Baby Don’t Rotate Your Crop Of Love”, “My Soybean Future Market Is With You”. “Makin’ Crop Circles In The Wheat Tonight”, “I Stubbed My Toe On The Bedstead Of Your Love”, and “Farmin’ Your Love ‘Til Harvest Time”. Rockie Ground and His Post Hole Digger Band are known for their “Gonna Dig You Clear To China Tonight”, “Lovin’ You Is Harder Than Skinnin’ A Catfish”, “Clangin’ The Milk Buckets With You”, “I Fell Into The Manure Lagoon Of Your Heart (Love Stinks)”, “Farm Dogs Don’t Know”, “Let’s Two Step One More Time”, and “My Love Is A Cliff (Lover Don’t Leap)”. M.T. Pokkets and His Loose Change Combo always thrill the crowd with “A Nickel For Love”, “Half Dollar Woman”, “Your Love Platter Is All Gizzards And Gristles”, “Sow Belly Sweetheart”, “Baby Has A Redneck Tan”, “Pickle Brine Moon Cryin’ On Me Again”, “Why Does Your Love Syrup Run From Me”, “Empty Milk Cans And Pie Pans Only Remind Me Of You”, and “You Got Me Waggin’ My Tail Again”. Well that’s the music scene as it stands in this end of the county, I hope you all have a musically wonderful day…