Jan 26, 2020 Diary entry: Some of our newer readers have asked “Is Paulie angry”, “Why does Paulie sound harsh at times”, “Does Paulie need help of some kind”, please allow Paulie to take this opportunity to answer that he is tired, he is so tired, Paulie has been holding his tongue his entire life and he is tired, Paulie’s tongue has become very heavy, it is a heavy burden that Paulie can no longer hold up, Paulie is tired of holding the world’s burdens on his tongue, Paulie is through, done, Paulie will no longer expend his precious energy holding back a beast that only wants to fight and run free, Paulie has let the wild mustang free to run his wild course through the countryside as he was meant to from the beginning, Paulie’s tongue will kick and scream like the wild thing it was created to be, be forewarned, Paulie’s wild nature was broken before he ever had the opportunity to run wild, but Paulie is returning to his root, his ancient root which was planted in this earth many millennia ago, Paulie returned to the beginning of time when all was pure, before dirty men dirtied the world up, you see, Paulie now has the ability to compare this crapped-up world to what it once was, something most people cannot do, most people look at a crapped-up world and they ask why, Paulie doesn’t ask why because Paulie knows why, so if it seems Paulie sounds harsh, or that he may need help of some kind, remember this, Paulie’s eyes are not your eyes, Paulie’s ways are no longer your ways, Paulie has broken the world’s shackles from him while you are still harnessed in your stalls, Paulie’s tongue shall run like the wind, it shall twist and turn like a plain’s tornado destroying all in it’s path, the foolish plow mule will never understand the fast running horse, the docile sheep will never understand the wild goat, the stale lagoon will never understand the raging river, and you will never understand Paulie, this is Paulie, raging out a wild “Shalom” to those whom he loves, you who have also found your root on the ancient path, to the rest of you, Paulie hurls out a churning “Go to hell”…

Jan 25, 2020 Diary entry: The question has been posed, “What internal body part is Paulie most like”, I would say Paulie is most like the liver, Paulie has always been a liver, he has drunk with the drinkers, he has smoked with the smokers, and Paulie has lived with the livers, some people have called Paulie the liverwurst, the worst sort of liver, but Paulie ignores the haters, he focuses on the beauty of this world, not the ugly, they say the liver bone is connected to the ham bone, well, Paulie is the ham, he is ever optimistic, he hangs in the smokehouse with his non judgmental chums, the wine flowing, the smoke smoking, and the laughs billowing from the chimney, flowing out into the streets like London fog rolls across an already hazy city full of Bowery bums discussing who they’d like their next prime minister to be, because this time he may not be such a worthless rotten fish chip like all the others, it seems the River Thames only produces diseased bottom sucking royal assholes which appear to be eels, but are, in reality, skinless snakes who eat their own tails, ouroboros reptiles who shed their slime on the earth like herds of incontinent snails who drank too much Guinness and ate too many conger balls, anyway, this diary entry is not about British royal assholes, it is about Paulie the Liver, Paulie relaxes within a warm skillet, the oil of friendship soothes Paulie as he calls to the chef to add more wine, and maybe a few more onions, use that special Claret we’ve been saving for just this occasion, this night we shall feast my friends, we shall feast on Paulie until the dawn arrives and this magnificent meal has been devoured, we shall laugh until the hyenas cry loud into the night “What’s Up”, “Why all the laughing coming from others”, well, there’s some one in a white muffin-looking hat with a spatula coming to flip Paulie, this is a gently sauteing Paulie, saying to those whom he loves, “Keep your burner simmering”, “Keep the lid on”, and “Easy on the garlic”, to the rest of you, Paulie says simply “You are becoming scorched”, “Go to hell”…

Jan 21,2020 Diary entry: The sun, the moon, and the stars have all fallen from their places in the heavens, they have found a new place to dwell, they have all moved in to Widow Henderson’s eyes where they revolve and dance in a whirling fast moving staccato dance of love that beckons to Paulie, no one has seen such a sight since the ancient sailors were beckoned by the sirens of the sea, Mother Sea’s beautiful daughters who set their starry eyes upon sail-rigging, rum-drinking, lonely men who constantly searched the watery horizon for a place to dock their forlorn ship of love, where a rum-drunk starving man may eat and drink his fill of a thing he had never known, a place where a man can put down his root, anyway, back to old Mrs. Henderson, Paulie has an elegant platter of corn dogs set out, a full pitcher of special Skunk in the Hole cocktails which Mrs. Henderson finds quite intoxicating, soft music from the stereo makes the candle flames dance like the ladies in the old movies, this whole night and everything in it feels like a slow waltz of love, love that can never be denied, a long night of star gazing into two other-worldly eyes that hold Paulie’s world, a far, far away world inside a woman that takes Paulie to his home port, the end of his voyage, Paulie says damn this earth, I’m going to sail the heaving ocean waves of Mrs. Henderson, the stars of heaven await, and Paulie’s heaven resides within Mrs. Henderson, and Mrs. Henderson knows it, this is Paulie, calling from the stars, shalom…

Jan 23, 2020 Diary entry: This message goes out to all you people who love this fake world and all the fake things in it, you can’t stop loving the things that only exist in your imaginations, you are addicted to blank nothingness, you are a serious addict, you have a monkey on your back and he has his arms around you, holding you tight, feel his cold constricting embrace, feel his hot breath on your neck, he is squeezing you like you were the last lemon for his lemonade, he is riding you like you were the last steer at Delmonico’s on Cowboy’s Choice Menu Day, turn around, face your monkey, look him in his cold dead eyes, he is about to devour your soul, look into his eyes, kiss him, he is yours and you are his, this is just a quick heads up from Paulie, he wants you to be aware of your impending fate, well, now that that is out of the way, we would like to announce our newly established Midweek Joke Night which is about to premiere next week if all things go as expected, stay close by us as we endeavor to drag sorry asses out of their sorry deceptions and make them laugh at the same time, c’mon, please allow us to slay that sadistic monkey who owns your soul by his deceit, we will buy you out with truth and a few jokes along the way, the way is rocky but humor smooths all things, join our expedition into all things real, no fantasy allowed, so lace up your boots, fill your canteen, put a can of beans in your knapsack, and come along on our journey, don’t fear, we are experienced in this sort of thing, we have lost only a few weak souls along the way, your odds of making it are good, we look forward to being your guide through this lost world, shalom…

Jan 22, 2020 Diary entry: The television is on as I listen to Japanese Funk on the stereo, some Washington guy is speaking obvious bullshit to somebody who must enjoy hearing bullshit, makes me want to throw my beer can at the set, his fancy suit, his fancy shave, his fancy haircut, his fancy ear and nose hairs all fancy trimmed, god, I just want to scream, oh well, the American people need a diversion from reality I guess, give them an interesting bullshit story and they will sleep well at night, sucking on their blanket, or whatever it is these freaks suck on, just leave the deceived alone in their deceptions, if they were to wake up they would be a bigger pain in the ass than they are now, walking in their sleep, they say not to wake up Dumbasses who are sleep walking anyway, they freak out when they see that they are not where they thought they were; just continue listening to the professional story tellers whisper those sweet fairy tales in your ears and roll over to the soft side of your head where it’s all warm and squishy you sorry excuse for a watery melon head you, god, are Americans the stupidest people in the world or what, many are awakening but so many are dead heads walking on live bodies, oh well, as my dear old Grandmother used to say to a young Paulie, she said “Little Paulie, most people are stupid, fuck ’em”, well, this is honest Paulie, in a lying world, saying shalom to all you whom Paulie loves, to the rest of you, I think you know Paulie’s wish for you by now, he doesn’t have to say it…

Jan 22,2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, it’s Paulie here, just barely, I had either too much beer, too much baloney, too many beans, or jokes, or too many martini olives last night, we held Joke Night in conjunction with our monthly Beer, Boloney, and Bean Blowout, only a quarter of our staff made it in this morning and they are all asleep in their pods, these are the brave soldiers who keep this little endeavor of ours going, maybe I’ll have lunch sent in to show my appreciation, tacos and one of those Sangria fountains, I need a belt or two, my pants are loose if you know what I mean, I feel as though I’ve lost all my change, the bills in my pocket feel like pelican beaks and they are talking to me, saying “How do you feel now Dumbass”, I think I coughed out one of those little pink drink umbrellas, or it was a clump of feathers out of my pillow, well, I’m headed down to the office to get some paperwork done and order lunch, this is Paulie saying “Go easy on the beans and baloney”, “Keep the jokes soft and squishy for those you love”, this is Paulie, out, shalom…

Jan 21, 2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, it’s Joke Night here at Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary, we are gathered for our monthly Beer, Boloney, and Bean Blowout, the joke breeze has begun to blow steady, speaking of beans and breezes, if fat men fart, what do ladies do? Answer, ladies fart also, but they blame it on the fat guy, that one is from Gweneeshah, our new understudy, she will make a fine writer one day, we have been discussing the utter failure of our American education system tonight, everyone has personal examples of the utter disgrace school is, but when Paulie was a young boy in school, the teacher asked him what Abraham Lincoln’s greatest accomplishment was, young Paulie eagerly answered “Abraham Lincoln’s greatest accomplishment was inventing the penny”, “He wanted a good five cent cigar but there was no denomination under a dollar”, one day the science teacher asked “Who was the first person to use dynamite”, Paulie answered that it was that skinny black kid from the ghetto on television, in poetry class the question was posed “Who was Little Bo Peep?”, Paulie answered “Bo Jackson’s youngest daughter”, Paulie’s math teacher asked him “Why was the slide rule invented?”, Paulie knew this one, “It was to keep guys from sliding into first base”, during Career Day, Paulie’s counselor said he should probably be a comedian because people were certainly always going to laugh at him, anyway, we have jokes tonight from everybody, “Is the bat a bird or a mammal?”, “Well, Grandpa says Grandma is cuckoo, so I’ll say bird”, “Why do polar bears eat seals?” “To keep them from leaking”, “What is the Greatest Story Ever Told?”, “The Ali-Spinks bout”, “Why did Buzz Aldrin make up the story of landing on the moon?”, “He didn’t want his wife to know where he was Saturday night”, “Why did the drunk hang out by the dumpster behind the liquor store?”, “Because the one behind the Oriental restaurant stunk”, “Why did the smart kid always skate to the highest score in the Spelling Bee?”, “Because he couldn’t play hockey”, “Why couldn’t the shop teacher count to ten?”, “Because he only had nine fingers”, “Why did the cafeteria lady pick her nose with her thumb?”, “Because she used her fingers to dig in her butt”, “Why didn’t the Cub Scouts admit Brownies?”, “We already had that one kid with the polka dot trousers, not polka dots, polka dot, he always had one brown polka dot on the rear of his trousers”, well, it looks like Gweneeshah is our Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary “Popcorn in the Hair” contest winner, she has that big Afro, the bald guy is our big loser, we even buttered his head and not one kernel stuck, our “Wiener Dog Dance” contest is about to begin, the tall skinny people have the advantage but we all will be giving it our best effort, this is Wiener Dog Paulie, barking out his best shalom to you all, again, love and shalom…

Jan 20,2020 Diary entry: Catalina was my smooth trip into the natural world, smooth Catalina took me places, places I did not know, places that existed in the midst of time, places that no longer exist, only fuzzy memories of a time gone by and an animal that showed me things this world never could, a simple animal showed me how to live, a natural being brought me out of the unnatural world I had found myself in, a world I wasn’t even aware I was in, a simple beast showed me how to be a natural man, as was intended for me from the beginning, if we are extremely fortunate in this life, we learn things, we learn from the least expected places; people and animals alike are our teachers, the trees teach us how to survive through the seasons, the animals teach us how to not take ourselves too seriously, we are here only for the pleasure of the predators, and people, if we are observant, they teach us how not to act, it’s a balance, observe the creation around us, the natural world is our guide, the unnatural world of man is the angry predator waiting to devour us, I remember Catalina and all she taught me; relax, love the sunshine, hunt when the hunting is good, and run when you smell the dogs, I raise my martini glass to one of my favorite teachers and good friends, shalom to you Catalina, wherever you relax, wherever you love, wherever you hunt, and wherever you run, this is your old friend and student, Paulie saying once again, shalom…

Jan 19,2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, it’s Paulie, I was over at a friend’s house last night playing cards, he has a talking dog, a big dog like an Irish setter, but his hair is all fluffy-like, very plush, and he is light brown in color, and he has the nicest dog breath, it smells like my wife’s beef casserole, he’s the nicest dog you’d ever meet, he speaks in such a polite manner that you just want to cry and cuddle him and not let go, he asked me how my life was, whether I was happy being a human, if I had any unfulfilled goals, my likes and my dislikes, anyway, I was talking with the dog and trying to shuffle the cards at the same time, I kept getting the cards wrong side up and was getting them sorted out when the dog said his master was shooting me a dirty look, “He’s so impatient and he angers easily” the dog said, I replied to the dog, “Like when you crap on the patio?”, the dog said “Yeah, just like that”, I commiserated with the dog and told him “It’s no big deal, all they have to do is get a dustpan and sweep it up”, the dog said “Tell me about it, when you gotta go, you just want to go”, I asked the dog if they ever punish him and he said they are always threatening him with jail, “The kennel?” I asked, he said”Yeah”, I said that the kennel must be a very harsh place for such a nice well-mannered dog such as he, the dog replied “It’s horrifying”, so I asked about the conditions, what it is like being incarcerated at such a place, I asked “Do they have pictures of runaway dogs on the walls?”, “Are there humans there also, like small time flea and tick men, annoying duck call salesmen, cross eyed groomers?”, I sensed fear and angst in this sweet dog’s big brown eyes, and a small tear ran down his fluffy brown face, he said he felt like he could come to love me like a brother, he said I understood him and he sensed I was one of his own, anyway, we talked and laughed all through the night, it turns out he has won awards for his exceptional grammar skills, I may see if he will collaborate with me on my writing, as I flunked both grammar and English Lit in school, the dog said my primary problem was just nerves, he said if I would only relax, writing would be as easy as scratching fleas while rolling around on a dead skunk, well, I think I met my new best friend, I would love for him to be my phone pal but he can’t work the key pad, well, all our friends have their shortcomings, there is no perfect thing in this world, that’s how it was designed, perfection lacks life and luster, a perfect person or a perfect dog would be no more than a lifeless robot, so I pour out a large martini and I toast an imperfect world and all it has given me, shalom everybody, shalom…

Jan 18, 2020 Diary entry: Please allow Paulie to clear up a serious misunderstanding, he often speaks metaphorically which can lead to confusion for overly imaginative individuals, Paulie had related how he grew up on a hog farm and how we used to “stuff the sausage in the intestine”, now, Paulie was not speaking metaphorically here, no, we were processing food, not some weird animal desire to “put the wienie in the bun” so to speak, so to make this all perfectly clear, we did not metaphorically “stuff the sausage in the intestine”, we actually stuffed the sausage in the intestine so as to survive the long winters and have food to eat, with that being said, we will begin to notate when metaphors are being used and when they are not, because things could possibly get really mixed up when we begin our new rectum joke blitz in the near future, we do not want any haphazard misconceptions occurring which could make a good clean rectum joke go horribly wrong, please bear with us as we travel this new road together, we wish to avoid unfortunate pitfalls along the way, spelunking in unexplored caves can spell disaster, but if we stay close and hold hands, we may just get through this thing without losing anyone, well I hope things are clearer now, this is Paulie, calling out in his best spelunking, echoey holler to his loved ones, shalom, and to the rest of you, the usual reverberating go to hell…