Apr 11, 2020 Diary entry: I had wanted to critique this most recent Perry Mason episode for everyone but I missed the first half of the show, the best I can figure out is that there is this guy who is a ballet dancer and he is wonderfully sweet and adept and nimble when he dances, and he enthralls his audience with flair and style, but when he goes backstage, he’s a real bastard, he yells at the stagehands and he called his costume designer a bitch, well, my bet for the murder victim is this guy, and I don’t think Mr. Burger is gonna bother prosecuting the case because everybody hated the guy’s guts, anyway, the guy got killed in a back corner of the backstage area, it’s anyone’s guess who did it, well, the judge told everyone to approach the bench, then he leaned over and quietly said to the respective councils that his stomach was growling and he wanted to call a recess so he could go for tacos down on the boardwalk because he had coupons his wife gave him, the thing is, it was difficult to pin this case on any one person, every witness who testified said they hated the victim with a burning passion, or a warm hatred, or they just wanted to see him dead for the principle of the matter, Perry was accusing everyone of the murder like he usually does, then during an intensely brutal cross examination the last witness cried out she killed the guy, she broke down under cross, then they all adjourned to the Last Plea Bar and Grill across the street for daiquiris and clams and good talk, this has been your critique expert Paulie, giving you all a well thought out shalom…

Apr 12, 2020 Diary entry: “Get back, get back everybody, I’m a doctor!”, well, I didn’t go to medical school, but I played a doctor on the stage, I starred in our fifth grade revival of Snow White and The Seven Dwarves, I played Doc, and when I gave Sleeping Beauty the kiss of life, I kissed my acting career good bye, I had a flashback to last years rewritten Sleeping Beauty play where I played the doctor who was in love with the leading lady, she was Imogene Thornton, the prettiest girl in school, I learned I wasn’t supposed to ad lib during a school play like Jackie Gleason always did during his smash performances, I approached our leading lady during the intense love scene where I tell her that the enemy is quickly approaching the castle, and that we will soon be doomed, and I threw her on the floor, telling her I’d always dreamt of this moment, then the director cut me from the play because there wasn’t supposed to be a love scene, anyway, the first time I faked my death and people found out I was still alive, I told them I was a doctor and I saved my life and that they had me to thank for it, I was like an Irish kamikaze pilot in those days who had an unslakable Cambian thirst for whatever life offered, and I needed a doctor on staff because the world didn’t understand me or my ways, I was an alien in my own home town, after being fake dead for only a little over a month, people had forgotten me and no one even recognized me anymore, I had lost my AMA accreditation to practice medicine after I tried to open Imogene Thornton’s trachea the old fashioned way after she looked like she was going to faint because I told her my Irish lesbian joke in my rarely used special Welsh accent; I was cited for practicing off-the-books procedures in an off manner, so I figured I’d need a new profession in my new world where no one knew or remembered me, I decided to become a professional adviser; I opened up a little shop in a garage down off Melbourne Avenue, I was soon swamped with customers, it seemed the whole town was in need of advice, people lined up outside my office to hear my wisdom and advice, and they paid me handsomely for it, I was beginning to fly high once more, and the rest is history, history they should teach in public school instead of all the lies and other crap nobody wants to hear anymore, well, Paulie the doctor says to any who will listen, “Open wide and drink this”, shalom all…

Apr 10, 2020 Diary entry: Jesus is a liar, now hang on, don’t go anywhere, don’t hang up the phone, don’t slam the door on Paulie, please allow me to explain, ever since Paulie was a young boy he has been praying to Jesus to give him a new car, a brand new car right off the showroom floor, ever since a young Paulie saw the new 1957 Plymouth’s with the big beautiful wings on them, I guess they were called fins, he wanted one more than anything in the world, well, Jesus had said that anything I ask for in his name, he would give me, and I asked every year that the new model cars came out if Jesus would give me one, and here I am sixty three years later driving another twenty three year old vehicle, I think Jesus lies like Hatfield’s Uncle Bismark, who always promised us kids he would take us deep sea fishing in his yacht with his best fishing buddy, the guy who played the deep sea scuba diver on the well known TV series of the Fifties, I think the show was called Sea Hunt, we all loved that show, anyway, I never got to go on a deep sea fishing yacht, and I never got to drive a brand new showroom fresh automobile; sometimes I think this whole crappy world is no more than an illusion given to us by people who only lie to get us to love them, I don’t think our heroes love us, I think they are all full of shit, anyway, Jesus can kiss my ass, I won’t listen to him or anyone else anymore, this is Paulie, calling out to all his disillusioned brothers and sisters across the land, shalom…

Apr 11,2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, Paulie here, I’m down by the riverbank keeping my distance from the common rabble, my fry pan is all asizzle with a fish that I snagged out of the river this morning, it is frying up nicely as I sip on huckleberry wine and munch on hors d’oevres that Lady Forest gave up to me without the slightest whimper; as Paulie sits underneath the canopy of stars that watch his every move, Paulie is moved to say a few words to those who seem to be immovable, those of you who cling on to false reality like it was the last dry diaper in your momma’s diaper bag; there comes a time in every man’s life when he must say enough is enough, and he gets up off his knees he’s been crawling on his whole life, and he stands up, and begins to walk upright as he was meant to from the beginning, Paulie admonishes you to stop sucking the milk this world has been feeding you, and start eating meat that comes from above, eat meat that has existed before time began instead of this temporary milk you can’t say “No” to; quit buying your fish from corrupt fish mongers, get your fish from the reliable source, cast your line to the waters and reel in pure sustenance that you know your soul craves, give up the fake food that this world offers, get something nutritious in your gut, come on down to the riverbank with Paulie, you know this is where you belong, Paulie’s campfire never goes out and there is always something in the skillet, we camp in the midst of the stars of heaven, and we live in a way you have never known, well, as Paulie shakes the water out of his rubber boots and dries his socks by the fire, he calls out in his best woodland holler, shalom…

Apr 10, 2020 Diary entry: Look people, this world is not all lollipops and gumballs, there are also things in this world you don’t understand, things and people that may not be good for your well-being, to wit, Paulie was always the high flying duck, the one that stayed high in the sky where it was safe, but there were dirty drunken men huddled in duck blinds below who called to Paulie, they called sweet and beautiful duck tones that turned my head, made me circle back around to inquire of something that may be good, may be real, like a new relationship with another duck, well, their warm words betrayed their cold desire to fill colorful mallard Paulie with number four lead shot from their cannons of hate, their only desire was to shoot majestic duck Paulie down to the snow covered earth where they could remove his entrails and defeather him of his colorful plumage, and roast him over their demonic campfire of deviant lust for flesh, Paulie’s flesh, well, Paulie still hears them calling to him, but Paulie has enough ragged tail feathers left to keep flying out of their range, Paulie the majestic duck ignores the sweet sounds from below, the sweet sounds emanating from the lips of dirty drunken deceitful men who lie in wait down inside their muddy pit, waiting to bring Paulie the duck down into the pit with them, well, Paulie will no more descend down to their level, Paulie is staying high above all the troubles of this world, where the air is lofty like Paulie’s goals, hang on a minute, there is an old Perry Mason episode coming on the television, and I want to critique the thing, I will return with a complete breakdown of this latest rerun murder mystery in which deceptions run deep, deeper than you know, Paulie will certainly shallow this thing out for you all, Paulie will always shallow out the deep water that threatens to drown you, and he will deepen the waters of understanding before your minds shallow down to a stinking mud hole in which the desert snakes wouldn’t wet their whistle to call to the pretty lady snakes who slither through the sand like slow dancing mambas that desire love instead of contention, well, this Perry Mason episode is stupid so I’m gonna go down into the root cellar and grab a bottle of wine, I will drink a long toast to you all, shalom everybody…

Apr 9, 2020 Diary entry: Shalom everybody, Paulie here again, I was watching an old Perry Mason rerun on television last night, I think it was Perry Mason, anyway, this Charlie Manson-looking guy was standing over a corpse, holding a bloody fireplace brush, one of those fancy brass ones, and he was mysteriously brushing something off the body when in came Lieutenant Tragg, this Lieutenant Tragg, an old hardbroiled cop, looks just like your old Aunt Winnie with her wig off, and she got drunk last night and she ain’t takin’ any sassin’ from man nor beast, well, it turned out that the Charlie Manson-looking guy had been a valet for a very important mystery writer until he was fired for some reason or another, well, it seems when he found the dead body, he just kinda freaked out and did the first thing that came into his mind, he cleaned up, well, Perry decided to take on the guy’s case because he had a sister who Perry thought was kind of cute, and she bugged Perry for the longest time to represent her brother even if it meant she had to date Perry, anyway, this sister wears old style cat eye-looking glasses like the ones old Mrs. Hellgramite, the County Librarian, wore when she checked the Dewey Decimal system for glitches, well, Perry sent his personal private detective on out to Belle Vista Avenue to scour over the crime scene for any overlooked clues, stuff like carpet fibers, cigarette butts, the usual, and when Perry’s detective arrives on the scene, there is this skinny county deputy who starts hounding him about parking too close to the curb, it turns out this Barney Fife cop is Tragg’s son who is trying to work his way up in the police force, so anyway, Perry’s client was heard to say something incriminating before the alleged murder during a very public cocktail party, he had screamed out to the alleged murder victim “I’ll kill you!”, “If I never do anything decent in my life, I’ll kill you!”, this threw a monkey wrench into Perry’s plans for a believable defense, and it also put a wrench to his nuts and loosened his chances to take Charlie Manson’s sister to Boca Fiores for the summer squash festival they hold from the seventh through the fourteenth of July, where no one can speak unless they work the word “squash” into a sentence, it’s a real fun time for the locals, and most of the time they just yell “squash” at passersby instead of the usual”Hello” or “Good Day”, I could tell by Perry’s face that he was pissed about the prospect of spending the beginning of July back in his desolate bungalow which sits a half mile off the Strip, while Charlie Manson’s twin sister was on the other side of town, out of reach like the juiciest ripe peach at the top of the tree, that one peach you desire as if your whole life depended on it, yes, his sweet Manzanita would not be his unless he could blow the lid off this case, he would be drinking his martini dry, without his sweet Manzanita floating delectably on top with a pretty lacy red toothpick stuck through her ample bodice, a martini, dry like the desert, cannot sustain a man who is half out of his mind with thirst, no, a man thirsts, and he must drink, he must drink his fill, and when he is denied, he does desperate things to quench that sun-baked thirst for all that Charlie Manson’s twin sister is, the ripe peach at the top of the tree must be his, even if he has to chop down the whole tree for the one piece of fruit he desires, well, The Twilight Zone is coming on in a few minutes, this is Paulie, out on the front porch, screaming his love loud to all who can hear, shalom…

Apr 8, 2020 Diary entry: Okay, about this opposing forces thing, this Ying versus Yang, Good versus Evil, Light versus Dark, Reality versus Virtual Reality, please allow Paulie to elucidate the less than illuminated ones of you, Paulie has entered into the Virtual World of altered reality, and let me say that the Virtual World of unreality is a wondrous one indeed, since I first donned my Virtual Reality goggles, my world has changed, all is good, all is calm, and all is just right, here is what it is like now in my new False Reality World, you may want to join me, the Cubbies won the World Series, they won 19 straight games over the White Sox in the very first nineteen game Series ever played, and the whole White Sox organization folded and filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy, and the club owner committed suicide by hanging himself from the Cub’s dugout, then, Jesus got elected to the presidency and he pardoned everybody in the whole world, yeah, the whole world is now partying like that one guy always did at the office Christmas party where he sang the Jingleberry song in the ear of anyone who would listen, I hear Charlie Manson is styling hair now at Great Clips, Manuel Noriega is out and he is dealing in New Age bath products instead of cocaine, this new Virtual Reality World is just what I’ve always wanted, my hometown just declared a holiday in my honor, all the ladies are baking pies, the town’s children are lining up to give me cheek kisses, and the old men are saying things like “You did good kid”, “The town loves you”, and “We will never forget you”, all is wondrously beautiful in this new Virtual World, it may not be real but the real world wasn’t so hot, I don’t have to cow tow to idiots here in my new fake world, I simply snap my fingers and they are instantly translated to hell, then I go back to sipping my wine and talking to the ladies, I can’t tell you how it feels, I wish I could tell you how it feels, I don’t think I will ever return to the cold real world again, my Virtual World is all I need, it is my friend, it is my mother, and it is my alter personality which I have never known, well, this is Paulie, in his fake little world, pouring out a real large martini, saying shalom all…

Apr 6, 2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, this is Paulie, coming to you from the midst of the hot spot, we are inside the hottest spot in the Midwest, we are all gathered at the home of Paulie, the Avenue is gonna light up tonight like your future mother-in-law lit up when she heard you had proposed to her daughter, we are gonna shoot the moon out of the sky, gut and skin it, and roast it in the fire, we’re gonna slather barbecue sauce on it and we are gonna wipe it’s fat on our sleeves as we guzzle down hickory-fired bourbon that Johnny’s uncle made last summer, we are gonna tell hard jokes as we sip hard liquor underneath the starry expanse overhead, here’s the first hard joke of the evening, “Since they have been dumbing down the masses, now that they are dumbed down, what do we call them”, answer, “Duh Masses”, well, “Duh”, this is Paulie, saying shalom…

Apr 6, 2020 Diary entry: You people are chewing through this world like demented beavers chew through balsa forests, stop chewing on things you don’t know, you think you’re gnawing on a pretty lady’s tender meat, but in reality, you got hold of an old man’s gristle, Paulie admonishes you, “Spit it out”, “Spit out that gristle now”, Paulie remembers the words a wise man once spoke long ago, Melech Shelomah, erroneously known as King Soloman, the wisest man who ever lived, said “When you sit to eat at the Ruler’s table, consider diligently what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you be a man given to appetite, do not be desirous of his dainties because they are deceitful meat”, so scoot your chair back and quit putting everything in your mouth, and stop believing every story that the Ruler’s storytellers toss your way, stop being a mindless consumer who consumes without a thought, your life guide Paulie wants to guide you, please let him, he wants to do his job, he wants to do his job on you, speaking of dreaming, you know that one recurring dream you have, the one you have over and over, where you have to report to the principals office for your last evaluation and possible suspension for violating the dress code again, and when you knock on the principals office door, you look down and you don’t have any clothes on, and you know this last dress code violation is gonna blast you into your new reality as one of those guys who sweeps up movie theaters after that one Gothic movie where they all dress up and do god-knows-what during the movie, anyway, Paulie doesn’t want any of his readers to be shy, stand up and call out to me, I am here for you, allow me to change your life, your attitude, allow me to change your mind, allow me to change your very soul, your raggedy soul is all worn down, it’s worn through and has holes in it, Paulie the soul cobbler will patch you back up if you only let him, Paulie has razor sharp tacks and a tiny hammer and he wants to use them on you, relax, take your shoes off, put your mind at ease, and Paulie will do the rest, you have become entangled in a web of fake dreams, but know this, the next dream you have may be real and it could eat you up, you need guidance, please allow Paulie to guide you through, there is a portal to the other side, take my hand and we will get there together, well, sometimes dreams do come true, there is one more bottle of gin in the root cellar, as Paulie pours a tall, curiously exotic drink with esoteric undertones, he wishes you all goodnight and shalom…

Apr 5, 2020 Diary entry: Everything in this world is a juicy vision without substance, it all exists only in our minds, nothing is real anymore, it is all fake, but our thoughts seem real, from the American Revolution, to the American political system, to outer space travel, to the most exquisite hamburger ever on your tell-a-vision screen, “Gol’ dang, that hamburger looks awesome Martha, I’m headin’ down to pick up a sackful of ’em”, “We’re gonna eat good tonight baby”, then when you get them home, they look like they’ve been sat on, they look like the lady behind the counter sat on them, they look like “Hello, I’m Margie Jo” hatched them out of her ass, and they taste like it too, the rulers of this world have been faking our reality since the beginning of time, when they say that life is but a dream, they aren’t kidding, it’s all a bunch of conjured up garbage and is about as real as that dream you had where the pretty lady across the table said you were the perfect dream man, and she was gonna take her millions and you to her private island and she would be your love slave until the end of time, c’mon man, none of this shit is real, you haven’t had a pretty lady look at you for years, and you haven’t had a decent hamburger for longer than that, let’s all wake up out of this nonsense, you are not the captain of a nuclear submarine in the middle of the churning ocean, you are just a dumbass in a Little Princess floatie out in your daughter’s wading pool, there are no heroes in this controlled reality we find ourselves in, only imaginary heroes in some far off mind game in which you believe you are winning, you are all losers who think you deserve gold medals, climb down out of that tree, plant your feet firmly on the ground, square up your shoulders, and scream to the very heavens themselves “I am a loser and now I know it!”, remember, Paulie is always here to help you, you only need ask of Paulie and he will give it to you, well, there’s a pretty, dark haired Oriental lady out back by the Olympic-sized swimming pool in the gardens who is mixing up exotic drinks with her finger, so I better cut this short and wish everyone a most real shalom, until next time, this is your life guide Paulie, sending love and shalom to you all…