Diary entry: Now Paulie has been driving down the road, Paulie is well below the speed limit, not out there taking irresponsible chances, no passing on the double yellow line or anything, but the gauge to the right of Paulie’s speedometer is going haywire, yes, the “freaky gauge” is spinning, spinning like Uncle Topp’s old stories about his time spent as a special agent within the inner circle of the Cuban resistance movement, Paulie’s “freaky gauge” looks like it is about to take off towards a place Paulie doesn’t want to see, some distant thing that has existed in other dimensions, truth, the raw, gritty, ugly truth of the matter, the central core of this corrupt, twisted, diseased bowel of a world, a world in which the putrefying and diseased bowels rule the mind, Paulie vows on this day. “I will think my way out of this thing”, so hey everybody, if Paulie comes up with anything, he will return here to clue you all in, if there is any shred of sanity left in this world, please send a bit of it this way, we love you all, shalom… Diary entry: Please allow Paulie to address this ongoing “Russia thing” once and for all, Paulie has already apologized to all the people involved, Paulie’s nation, the little Russian girl, Paulie’s mother, Paulie says he is sorry for the last time, Paulie will be eternally remorseful over losing his secrets, and presumably, Paulie’s nation’s secrets to the pretty little Ukrainian girl he once knew… Diary entry: And they say only priests and politicians have problems- this is one for the church and state people out there… Diary entry: Late night, Panda Express, noodles, egg rolls, and Saki, lots of Saki, I had much thinking to do, the woman had been dining alone this evening, the one with the burning lantern eyes and the dress, yes, she had returned for some reason, she was in a heated argument with a small man whose face was contorted, like it was swirling down a drain or something, it was like some swirling vortex of anger that flew in every direction, hitting you like where you didn’t like being hit, I had seen this man before, I felt as though I had encountered this very thing, long ago, in some distant place, perhaps a past life, was I doomed to repeat it… Diary entry: Now Paulie asks nothing of no one, ask nothing of Paulie, ask nothing of the wind, the wind asks nothing of you… Diary entry: Okay, Paulie is sick and tired of continually having to reiterate what has already been said many times, Paulie asks that people let this “Russia thing” go, Paulie has been through this thing over and over yet people still ask Paulie about the specifics, especially about the exact nature of the secrets Paulie revealed to the cute little Russian girl, Paulie will restate for the last time, there were confidential goings on and all Paulie can reveal is that it may be an issue of security, Paulie’s security, and presumably, the security of Paulie’s nation… Diary entry: Paulie has received comments from some of the survivalists out there and he appreciates the responses, but to a few of you, Paulie says “If you can’t gut a squirrel with your fingers, then take the alternate trail”… Diary entry: Back at Panda Express, late night, almost closing time, “Murder On The Panda Express” was about to get real, the ride was about to get bumpy, the rickshaw was gonna sway, tip, maybe overturn in the middle of this dank, stinking night within the twisted bowels of a putrid filth bucket of a city, yes, it was getting real and Paulie was in the middle of it, Paulie is a beautiful flower, Paulie blooms as the rose in the midst of a giant shit pile, yes, Paulie reaches a height unknown to the putrid filth of degenerate animals who think they can murder and get away with it, Paulie vows on this day that you, murderer, you will face your own murderous face, and that face will be Paulie’s…

Diary entry: It seemed as though a mysterious hand reached down out of the sky and pinched Paulie’s head between the thumb and forefinger, brought him out of his place, and set him down like a Titlist golf ball, onto a tee of utter despair and fear, a swirling funnel cloud approached the par five tee, a number three wood in it’s hand, the cloud looked like the guy who used to live next door, yeah, it looked like Bud, the guy who worked at the brewery, the guy who swore he would cut us little bastards’ ears off if we ever stepped in his yard again, yes, Paulie had found himself on the tee, tee’d up, tee’d up where he never dreamed in his life he would ever find himself, but here I was, my head on a tilted tee, like a Titlist golf ball, my old neighbor Bud, the old guy who worked at the brewery who said if he ever caught me, he would “cut my fuckin’ ears off”, the guy who moved like a plains tornado, we couldn’t tell if he was rotating clockwise or counter clockwise, we just knew he was turning and we ran away from him at ninety degree angles, yeah, anyway, as Bud approached my tee’d up head to slam me into the next fairway, Bud looked pissed, like he had spilled his fifth martini in his lap as he asked the waitress what kind of perfume she was wearing and she answered that she had just cleaned up vomit in the back room… sometimes this goddamned world just doesn’t pay… well… fore…

Diary entry: Okay, we all make mistakes right, Paulie woke up this morning on the bathroom floor, he thought he was drinking from the cat’s bowl but he was wrong… Diary entry: This “Russia thing” doesn’t seem to be going away, Paulie returns to this subject only in order that he may apologize to all Americans, yes, Paulie had found himself weakened by a young, dark haired, Ukrainian girl, Paulie, the quintessential, patriotic American, found himself in the arms of the enemy, little Paulie may have been in the arms of a deadly spy, a deadly spy who only wanted to steal little Paulie’s secrets, and presumably, the secrets of little Paulie’s nation, Paulie is remorseful and penitent, and, again, Paulie asks that you don’t hate him, Paulie has always been weak, and he only wishes to become stronger, please allow Paulie to grow… Diary entry: “Murder On The Panda Express” has taken a detour, Paulie may be closing down the case as he has narrowed down the suspects, yes, Paulie is closing in on one particular suspect, a soft spoken, dark haired lady whose eyes are like sail boats, no, catamarans, catamarans on a glistening sea as they sail into a blazing orange red sunset that descends upon the waters like nothing you’ve ever known, yes, Paulie has found his culprit and he is putting his motorboat on high, stay here with the “Diary” as Paulie is closing in and he will not falter… Diary entry: We were lost, we were far lost, somewhere far to the south, we rode our weary pinto bean horses far past Lima, Peru, into the old town of Garbanzo, a veritable soup of the dregs of humanity, a cold gazpacho of hatred and loathing, about to be served up on unsuspecting Goobers from the north, Goobers who couldn’t tell a peanut from an apricot, hell hath no fury like a steaming pot of stew beans about to boil over, this was the kind of situation where you either scoot your chair to the table and eat, or you die… Diary entry: Paulie still sometimes thinks of his little Russian girl, yes, she did compromise Paulie severely, she stole little Paulie’s secrets, but Paulie still thinks of her… Diary entry: Oh people, Paulie dearly wants to get back to his regular “Diary” entries but this “Russia thing” drags on, the little Russian girl Paulie once knew, Paulie has admitted that she stole some of little Paulie’s secrets, and also, presumably, secrets of little Paulie’s nation, simultaneously, but Paulie has not disclosed the fact that indeed, Paulie obtained secrets in that year, the year when secrets were exchanged between East and West, Paulie did obtain secrets in exchange for losing his, but Paulie cannot ever, no, never, reveal the secrets he received that year, so long ago, so seemingly far away, no, Paulie apologizes to all those whom he has hurt, friends, acquaintances, his nation, Paulie will never reveal the nature of the secrets he received from a young, pretty, dark haired Russian girl, we were simply two young people lost in a very cold world during the Cold War, our only desire was to thaw the world a bit, if only for a moment…

Diary entry: Please accept Paulie’s fake apologies, Paulie apologizes to all you freakin’ retards, yes, Paulie only tried to open your silly putty, silly ass minds, you refused, Paulie now refuses you, Paulie says to the fake patriots who vote for our masters who enslave us, Paulie says “Fuck you and your stupid mother too”, Paulie says to the religious retards who believe that they have the ear of the very Creator of the heavens and the earth in their pocket, you deluded bastards who actually believe you can call down fire from heaven, you praying fools, who the hell do you think you are, that the Creator of everything is gonna put everything aside and listen to your sorry whinin’ ass, you are not simply retarded pig rectums, you are insane, yes, you all are the insane fecal material of the deviant worms and maggots that conceived you, yes, you were born of swine, but you were conceived by maggots… Diary entry: ALERT! ALERT! RED BUTTON ALERT! Profuse apologies for recent “Diary” entries, it seems “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” has been hacked, yes, our system has been compromised, unscrupulous individuals have somehow gained access to our server files, our hard drives, and our usual lunch menu, the vodka is not all for me, anyway, all the staff has been summoned in, many were on vacation as usual, but the thing is, we are all here at our posts within “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, we are at our consoles delving in to this latest crisis, please rest assured, these latest hackers will be rooted out and dealt with, the reputation of “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” is at stake, none of us will ever rest again until all those responsible are brought to justice, this is the CEO of “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, Paulie, saying “I don’t know how this happened”… Diary entry: Hey, how’s it goin’, Paulie here, oh God I need a drink, hang on a moment while I go root around in the root cellar and the liquor cabinet, I’ll be right back… Okay, on a serious note that seems to have the need to be briefly addressed, please allow Paulie to respond to this whole “Russia thing”, alright, first of all, she wasn’t Russian, she was from Ukraine, Paulie only knew her for a few short weeks, anything she says, Paulie will deny, Paulie denies this whole “Russia thing”, in all truthful honesty and good conscience, Paulie says “I have no knowledge of these baseless accusations”, this has been Paulie’s last word on the subject, let’s all try to move on, Paulie denies this whole “Russia” business, thank you… Diary entry: Okay, it seems this whole “Russia thing” isn’t going to go away, please allow Paulie to say, number one, that Paulie conveys his most deepest apologies to all, all who were so unfortunately dragged in to this whole fiasco, Paulie takes full responsibility for all the people involved, their intent, and their actions, this whole scandal must rest in the place in which it was conceived, it was conceived in Paulie’s lap, and there is where it must rest, Paulie simply became entangled with a pretty, dark haired, soft voiced Ukrainian girl, you must try to understand, it was years ago, during a very cold period, it was in the midst of the Cold War, cold war between our countries, cold passion between us, the forces of the West and of the East tried to come together, if but for a brief moment, yes, on those nights we spent together, there was world peace, detente, yes, on those nights so long ago, we had conquered the world, yes, we owned the entire world, on those nights spent in our little chateau, down the railroad track, by the abandoned trestle…

Diary entry: The chushi had been meeting dark men in the dank, mold ridden alley behind Panda Express, I knew this meant more than some under the books squid deals, no, squid deals are not normally made under such dark conditions, this was much more than black market squid, it was just as slippery though and Paulie was about to wade into the very slime of this Panda Express bucket of ooze, stay close by readers, as Paulie is about to crack one big, ugly oyster, and no one will be safe… Diary entry: Paulie has received communications from readers, some ask “How can Paulie write as he does”, “What authority allows Paulie to use such words, does he have any legitimate education”, well, allow Paulie to point you to the certificate that hangs on his office wall, the diploma that hangs proudly on Paulie’s office wall was issued to him by Free University, Paulie’s diploma says “FU”… Diary entry: Return to “Murder At The Panda Express”, I was speaking to a young busboy, Cantonese, I surmised, he spoke of things I had never heard of, is this “Chinese justice” a real thing or what, this young Chinaman spoke words that made my won tons freeze up, I froze to the booth, Paulie apologizes, he cannot continue on, he must pause here, as the things he heard have chilled him, Paulie feels an intense chill, he cannot continue on… Diary entry: Whew, Paulie has been “potting petunias” the last few days, for those of you who don’t know what “potting petunias” is, Paulie has been in the “lower tier bleacher”, the “low cost seat”, Paulie is politely trying to say that he had been coronated to occupy the “gurgling throne of death”, yes, Paulie has been quite ill, when Paulie inquired of the busboy back at Panda Express, he explained that “one single grain of rice can kill a man”… Diary entry: Hey everybody, “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” is going in a new direction, a whole new direction, because of reader input, readers say Paulie should go somewhere, we will be venturing forth into a new dimension of “Diary” entries, entries you will not believe, nor should you, as many of you are too weak to follow Paulie all the way, Paulie says to all, rest up, get a good night’s sleep, we will be on the trail at sunup, any laggers will be left behind for the coyotes… Diary entry: Paulie isn’t sure what he ate but there is a “wind howling out of the gully”, a “twisting whirlwind raging down tornado alley”, Paulie is trying to keep things more civilized here, allow Paulie to simply say he ate the squid special last night down at the Panda Express, and he has an inner feeling of remorse, this Panda Express murder thing is taking it’s toll on Paulie, Paulie apologizes for any inconvenience… Diary entry: Sad news here at the “Diary”, we have lost our internet adviser, yes, a valuable employee and good friend was lost today, his mother turned him over to the cops, Paulie will not go into the details except to say we need a new adviser… Diary entry: Whew, the salmon Paulie had this evening at Panda Express is swimming downstream with some kind of wild, frenzied desire to reach it’s spawning ground, Paulie feels like the fisherman who has a whale in his boat… Diary entry: Oh how Paulie longs for the old days, the days of innocense when “Diary” entries were clean, sweet, blissful words that caressed one’s innermost child, but now, yes now, oh how Paulie has descended into a deep, dark chasm of self loathing, into a sick foaming brew of bile that is continually spewed out onto innocent people… Diary entry: Paulie’s Late Night Special wasn’t served until after closing time, after closing time at Panda Express, yes, Paulie was served up a dish he hadn’t ordered, a dish he doesn’t like, a dish he could not send back, a dish with your name on it when it is served hot by a man with black onyx button eyes behind buttonhole slits that seem to cut through your very soul, no, there could be no escape this late night at a long ago closed Panda Express, no, this could very well be the end of Paulie’s “Murder At The Panda Express” inquiry into murder, this could be the end of Paulie…

Diary entry: Two men approached Paulie, the one guy said “I’m ex marine, he’s ex army”, Paulie is ex cub scout, Paulie had special clearance in the MND, Macaroni Necklace Division, Paulie was drummed out of his pack in disgrace by our den mother Mrs. Fleck, there were boogers on her tablecloth where Paulie had been seated, Paulie could have been exonerated but there was no DNA testing at that time, Paulie had several suspects of the crime, the prime suspect was the kid who wore polka dot trousers, not polka dots, polka dot, his trousers always had one brown polka dot on the rear… Diary entry: Isn’t it just the way, show a person a bright shiny apple and tell them it is rotten through and through, that it is pure stinking crap, they will take a big mouthful anyway, geez people, accept this world as the rotten thing it is but don’t participate in it, just because someone sets a shit pie down on the table, you don’t have to eat the dang thing, if you come across a shit hole, don’t swim it, walk around it, this is Paulie, walking around his main thought so as to not offend too many readers, Paulie wishes shalom to all those he loves, you know who you are, the rest of you, go to hell… Diary entry: Hot steam rose out above the rice cooker, merging with damp, foggy night air, the still air hung over us, around us, within us, what was this thing we found ourselves in, the air was heavy, it was like steel bars, heavy steel bars that wrapped themselves around you like wet underwear, the air was too thick to breathe, a handsome young man stirred, he moved his mouth to speak wisdom, any wisdom that might take our minds off the situation we had found ourselves in, but the movement stopped almost as soon as it began, no wisdom would be heard this night, this dark, damp, dangerous, and ugly night, this dark night so very long ago… Diary entry: Panda Express, early evening, solving a murder case is never easy when everyone is a suspect, when no one can be eliminated, but I promise you, Paulie’s hatchet of justice is gonna fall and fall hard, Paulie will knock this predatory bird off his high perch, Paulie doesn’t like murderous buzzards who think they can sing any song that suits them, this bird will sing his last song, yes, Paulie will write his last song, and he will sing it…

Diary entry: People in the old neighborhood still talk about the Falcon God, yes, Paulie was the Falcon God, the Falcon God’s nest was high in the clouds, the Falcon God flew high and he nested out of sight, no one could approach him, he was unavailable to all but a few fortunate individuals who were able to enter in to his domain, only the few who could attain Paulie’s altitude could reach his nest high in the sky… Diary entry: Paulie remembers the old Carlyle Club, the Carlyle was exclusive, members only, the Carlyle was an old burnt out railway maintenance shed down the track by the abandoned trestle, the days were tight, together, and the nights fell apart, yeah, Paulie remembers the Carlyle Club… Diary entry: This entry will have to wait as Paulie has been hearing a certain phrase he doesn’t know the meaning of, he has been pouring over his etymological dictionaries for the meaning of what people have been calling him, people have been referring to Paulie as a, well, I better find the specific meaning before I go on, I’ll try some etymological slang dictionaries… Diary entry: Mrs. Henderson, a few doors down, her face turned pale, almost white, Mrs. Henderson is not white by nature, no, Mrs. Henderson turned white because that is what Paulie does to some women, yes, it’s true, Paulie drains the color from their faces, they cannot absorb all of Paulie’s intense feelings, yes, Paulie has feelings and Mrs. Henderson knows it… Diary entry: Shankman, Shankman had an auntie who looked exactly like Shankman’s dad, they said it was because of a special family resemblance but I swear, we couldn’t see much difference at all, there were so many similarities, same nose, same limp, same cigarettes, same car… Diary entry: I don’t know what to say to people anymore, all I can think of saying is “I won’t dignify that with an answer”… Diary entry: Yeah, Paulie was always the avid astronomer and Mrs. Henderson has eyes like a thousand starry nights and.. hang on, some one must have left the door ajar at the house across the street, the ferret woman got out and she’s heading this way, when the ferret woman emerges from her den baring her teeth, I know something is up, this “Diary” entry will have to be postponed… Diary entry: Hey now, Paulie certainly can’t be the only one who has been slapped by an elderly Jehovah’s Witness lady who was passing out pamphlets, it was not Paulie’s fault, Paulie did nothing wrong, she enticed Paulie, her sick, twisted, seductive magic overcame Paulie, Paulie will be vindicated… Diary entry: Paulie is losing patience, people keep saying “Maybe you just need a good night’s sleep”, please allow Paulie to say for the last time, “I need more than a good night’s sleep”, well, it has become late night, the waning hours of another day, Paulie is gonna finish his cocoa, call the dogs, let the cat out, and make sure all the windows are closed, Paulie says to all, good night, good dreams and may all your needs be met, shalom…

Diary entry: My darling little grandson is in the first grade, he brought me a crayon drawing he made of George Washington holding a hatchet beside a cherry tree and a stump, it was the cutest thing, the caption he wrote on the bottom said “George Washington was a goddamned liar”, obviously he is being home schooled… Diary entry: Speaking of home schooling, I remember my days as a young child being schooled at the old home, the old home was way out by the county line, next to the Peterson hog farm, sometimes the school would forget to lock the steel fence gate and some of us would sneak out of class and go try to ride the pigs, we never learned anything of substance out at the home, they said it was more about the discipline of living or some such thing, anyway, we had some awesome pig rodeos at Peterson’s… Diary entry: The man behind the counter said “You are nothing but a blank fart without any smell to it, you ain’t shit”, all I did was ask where the coffee lids were… Diary entry: Because of recent comments, concerns, innuendos, and threats, we here at “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” have set new hiring guidelines for staff writers, we have decided to hire more mature individuals who have outgrown some of their uninhibited reactionary beliefs and attitudes in order to achieve a smoother continuity of “Diary” entries, and to cut down on the anxiety of opening emails, texts, letters, and the packages that have words on them that look like they were cut out of newspapers and pasted on, yes, from now on, new hires must have reached their fifteenth birthday by Labor Day 2019, this new age limit will be strictly enforced, our policy is to take full responsibility for our entire writing staff in order that you, the customer, can enjoy clean, fun “Diary” entries without hesitation, so climb aboard, enjoy your ride with confidence. our drivers are careful, courteous, caring, and over the age of fifteen, ride with us for all your “Diary” entry needs, shalom…

Diary entry: The sky was on fire with flaming iniquity, a man approached Paulie and asked how he feels when they are out of his chocolate donuts at his favorite pastry shop, Paulie answered, “Like burning gall, it feels like burning gall”… Diary entry: A little advice from Paulie to you young ones out there, the world is an evil woman, do not become attracted to her ways, she has ways, and her ways will lead you astray, yes, the woman’s ways will lead you to a depraved state of being, her ways should not be your ways, this is just a heads up from Paulie, choose a path out of town and go, otherwise stay, and allow the wicked woman to devour you right down to your socks, she will chew straight through your gristle, yes, stay in this sick, twisted, bowel obstruction of a town and she will brand you, she will brand you deep, she will leave deep brand scars within your meat, until you become like so much offal that is dropped on the streets after the horse and buggy parade they have in commemoration of the dead… Diary entry: Discipline, there’s not enough discipline these days for the youngsters, Paulie’s first born son began sassin’ his daddy again today, Paulie slapped him hard three times across his face and told him that even though his daddy loved him, he’d throw his bastard ass out on the street just as he had done his mother, yeah, our children need discipline, but the right kind… Diary entry: The book of Revelation, the New Testament book that so many people study, hey, if it’s revelation these wacko’s want, I’ll revelate them some shit marbles they can take home in the jelly bean bag they call a brain, drop some fudge you candy ass dirt peddlers, you are over weighted, you have been carrying around Candy Land’s porta potties too long, you are under the heavy yoke dumb asses, haven’t you yet heard of the light yoke, well, it’s not up to me to bring sight to the blind, or to the stupid retards who revel in blindness, why I’ll… ANNOUNCEMENT! ANNOUNCEMENT! SITUATION RED ANNOUNCEMENT!, we interrupt this “Diary”, the previous “Diary” entries are not necessarily the thoughts or beliefs of the management here at “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, we have been experiencing a painful turnover in writing staff, we can’t seem to get any good mainstream writers, they all seem to come with a heavy chip on their shoulders, we, the management apologize for any misunderstanding about recent entries, we have embarked here on a new hiring drive, we have flyers out advertising the need for aspiring young writers who can last longer than their first pencil, so, again, apologies to all who have been in any way maligned or offended, we will correct the problem, so please don’t flee “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, we promise softer, more cushy, and more loving entries in the near future… “Hey! Get back here! You’re fired!” “Put down that coffee pot you deviant!”, well, being the boss is never easy, this is Paulie, heading to the liquor cabinet in his office, to fix a large martini and fill out more discharge forms, Paulie says to all, as he takes a large gulp, “Whoa that burns”, shalom…

Diary entry: “The Found One”, they called Paulie the found one, he had been lost in the high desert country of Oregon for weeks, almost out of his mind with thirst and hunger, a small band of travelers found young Paulie on the verge of death, they took him back to camp, gave him water, and told him to eat, but the birds on the campfire were strange looking, what kind of birds could these men be roasting on what appeared to be a demonic campfire brought out of hell itself on a burning tree branch of death, Paulie recalled the words of a wise old man, “Paulie, don’t ever consume the meat of the raven”, “The souls of men reside within the raven”, “Do not consume the raven or you will consume the dead souls of men”, well, Paulie hated the idea of consuming dead souls of men, a particularly pretty lady, she reminded Paulie of some one’s aunt, you know, the one who always baked cookies for the neighborhood kids, even when they got in trouble for pelting old Mr. Kumpher’s house with mud balls, anyway, Paulie fought the large spoon she held to Paulie’s mouth, Paulie would never let the souls of dead men touch his lips, she continually said “Paulie. you’ve got to eat”, “We need to bring the fever down”, well, sometimes Paulie gets a bit out of control when he is in his regular mind, but when he has been lost for a certain period of time in the high desert country and a fever is on him, Paulie can do some damage to those around him, anyway, everything was kind of a mistake, Paulie had actually been in his own bed with a bad case of flu, the lady who tried to feed Paulie was his mother, and the raven she tried to spoon feed him was, in reality, chicken soup, please accept a word of caution from Paulie, never over react, you may not know what is real and what isn’t real, you could only be dreaming all this, well, this is Paulie, saying his love is real, and he does care, shalom, (I think)…