Diary entry: Hey, Paulie here, many readers have sent in concerns concerning certain language that has been used here, within certain “Diary” entries, well, never let it be said that “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” doesn’t listen to complaints, we are now implementing our new system that we hope will resolve reader concerns regarding the use of “abnormal language”, we have implemented our long discussed, but never fully realized, LBCP, our computer based Language Barrier Communications Platform, yes, we have contracted with a company that provides a Cloud Based Recognition System , CBRS, that can seek out and identify bad words and phrases, the type of things that offend decent people who hate being offended, this is a promise from the CEO of “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, we, the management, are on the case, we will not slow our progress, we will not weaken, we will not falter, until this disgusting language problem has been dealt with to the fullest extent possible, we shall overcome, we shall once again stand tall, we shall crisply salute our own, yes, stay here with us, you have a solid promise, “We will clear this shit up”, “We will scrub this toilet bowl clean until you can drink out of it”, our Surveillance Harnessing Interruptive and Interdictive Technology, SHIIT, will be online this week if things go right, please don’t abandon “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” just yet, you don’t throw out the family dog just because he likes rolling around in stinking crap, no, you clean him back up and you love him again, as if he had never done such horrible things, well, this is Paulie, saying for most likely the last time, “Where are the goddamned olives for my fuckin’ martini”… Diary entry: Day 22, Paulie here, Paulie’s thought just escaped, Paulie has gone blank, the brain waves are soft, faded, washed out, Paulie apologizes, there will be no “Diary” entry made this day, adieu mi Mon Amie’s… Diary entry: Early evening, Panda Express, Paulie had given his shoes to the small man, presumably the houseboy, to be shined, as he indulged in Saki and a certain exotic Oriental dish, many customers here do not engage in the usual custom of removing one’s shoes and dining on the floor, Paulie does not judge people and their lack of proper manners, or their improper manners, no, Paulie see’s the bigger picture, men’s faults are of their own choosing, Paulie simply lives, anyway, Paulie’s shoes were returned to him after his meal, and much to Paulie’s fear, one of the freshly polished shoes contained a raw squid, yes, a squid, a squid placed in one’s shoe is an omen of the thing known as “Chinese justice”, the thing the opium addicted busboy had warned Paulie about, could this squid indeed be an indicator of Paulie’s future, we will not ever know, at least not until the future arrives, stay here close to “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, as things are beginning to get eerie at this Panda Express, but Paulie makes it known this day, Paulie will prevail, Paulie will once again arise out of this thing called “Murder At The Panda Express”, Paulie will ascend out of this foul morass of putrefying offal, Paulie will ascend up into the clouds where he will fly free, Paulie’s wide wings will carry him far above the stink of this Panda Express inquiry into murder, Paulie will soar far above this city, seeking his prey down below, then Paulie’s sharp wings will cut the air, Paulie will descend upon this monster who thinks he can murder and get away with it, Paulie is the large buzzard who feeds on diseased and rotting flesh, this murderer is a putrefied, rotted carcass of stinking, twisted, bowel refuse lying by the road, well, Paulie the buzzard is famished and Paulie will delight in eating his soupy, diseased, stinking remains, well, this is Paulie, saying to all, keep your hopes high, your heads down, and if you just can’t keep it real, then fake it the best you can, love and shalom to the family, the rest of you, I think you know the words by now, go to hell…

Diary entry: As you all know, Paulie was at one time, a security guard who did his job with zeal, enthusiasm, and passion, no one would escape Paulie’s long arm of justice, Paulie’s long arm came down many times on those who underestimated Paulie, but Paulie became disillusioned with the corrupt system which is in place, yes, Paulie could no longer cow tow to an establishment that refused to back Paulie up, to wit, it was a windy fall day, the wind sounded like your mother in law calling the deaf farmhands in from the field, the wind had roared all day long and it was now dark out, the time of day when evil planners plan their evil, the time when men gather, gather to plot and plan nefarious schemes and crimes, Paulie knew these things, Paulie was alert to anyone who entered Cushman’s Dime Store and Ladies Apparel, yeah, Cushman’s was on the main drag through town, Paulie was head guard at Cushman’s and no sick twisted scum would be robbing Cushman’s Dime Store while Paulie was on duty, anyway, some scumbag came in to the store near closing time, that’s when most crimes occur, Paulie had no choice but to take him down by hitting him over the head with Mr. Cushman’s cane with the heavy steel eagle head handle, Paulie knocked this filth bag straight through the candy counter, then he threw him out the swinging front doors into the street, just like in those old Western movies, yeah, but as was previously stated, no one will back up a man who is only trying to do his job, I had no idea the thug was actually the town mayor, Paulie was chastised for only doing his job to the best of his ability, life is so unfair, anyway, Paulie is now unhirable, but Paulie can still reminisce about the old days when men cowered before Paulie and all the ladies smiled, when all the days belonged to Paulie, and all the nights at Cushman’s Dime Store and Ladies Apparel were Paulie’s domain…

Diary entry: I awoke this late summer morning as if I were drowning in hot soup, no, more like cold broth, some devious cold broth of something I couldn’t shake, I downed my third cup of coffee and spit out the last bite of my muffin, I was determined to fight this thing, yes, I would stand up and fight, I had no idea who or where the enemy was, but I vowed to fight him, fight him to the very end, I put my clothes on and headed to the door, isn’t that just the way it is, just when you think you’re out the door, something comes up, the lady across the street met me with a bag of my dog Smudge’s, uh, offerings, it seems that Smudge likes to crap in her mailbox, actually, it’s the mail slot in her door, anyway, Paulie was determined to make this day all it could be, this day would belong to Paulie and Paulie alone, Paulie would rip the throat out of this day like it was the last chicken in the chicken coop on New Year’s Day, Paulie would chug the day down like it was the first wine of the season, then, unfortunately, Paulie remembered he had a dental appointment, well, shit…

Diary entry: So Paulie was at a local government office for some damn reason or another, anyway, this clerk who looked like Gilligan after he had slid down a banana tree in that one episode where everyone wanted to strangle him because he lost the compass or something, geez, all these government lackeys look like either Gilligan or Mrs. Gilligan, anyway, this guy whose face looked like it had been in the same shipwreck as the USS Minnow, told Paulie he didn’t have the proper forms for whatever stupid thing he was trying to do, hell, who even cares anymore, I haven’t had a new license plate sticker for five years, the only reason my drivers license is up to date is because an old man can’t buy beer without it, it got a bit embarrassing having to get a younger person to buy my alcohol, I won’t get into my thoughts on that though, suffice it to say, the queer people have taken over the country and they got it all queered up, we will leave it at that except to say, I think we’ve been bamboozled all these years… Diary entry: This is a statement from the management here at “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, the previous “Diary” entry in no way reflects the opinion or belief of anyone here at the “Diary”, we recently hired on new writers to replace the ones who tore up the break room at the last Baloney, Beer and Bean Blowout, held during the last long holiday weekend, our new writers were not properly vetted because the guy who vets people was on vacation for some reason, I think he fled back to the Dominican Republic because his brother got released from jail, anyway, if any apologies are due anyone, please accept them from all of us here at the “Diary”, we are here for you, the people, we are all people, and we are all in this thing together, whether we like it or not, shalom…

Diary entry: Timbler, I wished I had never heard of that goddamned town, Timbler was nothing but one of those outpost towns where all the people had been sun baked to the point of stupidity, a dry desert town that reeked of idiocy, yeah, Timbler was thirty or so miles west of Snake Junction, Snake Junction was the jewel of Nardin County, full of every kind of snake oil salesman, medicine man, and eating establishment, I had been in Mama San’s Tea Room all afternoon, waiting, waiting on something I hoped would never materialize, the air felt stale in some way, stale like the last slice of bread in an old hermit’s pantry, the sun shone down contempt, a hot miserable contempt, like your sixth grade teacher looked down at you after you scribbled on your test paper “George Washington was a faggot”, although people walked and mingled on the streets, the town felt empty, yes, empty with some kind of void, a void that was deep, dense, and long, this glittering jewel in the midst of the desert was devoid of something, something you couldn’t quite pin down, but it was a thing that was important, some terribly important thing, that if that thing were somehow lost, all hope of decency, humanity and order would be lost also, anyway, where was I, oh yeah, Timbler, I wished I had never heard of that goddamned town Timbler, full of mud pie people who had been over baked in a most ugly way, I had ducked in to the Timbler Tea Shack, a little out of the way place that only the locals knew of, but then no one knew where Timbler was except for the locals, anyway, a tall, pretty, dark haired Timbler lady brought me hot tea and some cold advice, she said “Get out of town now, while you still can”, yes, some kind of annual celebration was about to begin where all the inhabitants of the surrounding area come into town to celebrate who knows what, probably the usual donkey riding dumb asses, looking for a four day blow out, all you can eat, all you can drink, until you’ve had all you can stand of each other, Paulie always knows when it is time for him to leave, and this was the time…

Diary entry: Please understand, Paulie only wants to love and be loved, don’t try to kill Paulie for simply being Paulie, let Paulie live so that he may some day love and be loved… Diary entry: Don’t you hate it when you are in the library and you’re right in the middle of a funny joke, and some dick head looks at you and says “Shhh!, Shhh!”, what the hell has happened to our men… Diary entry: Now look, don’t misunderstand Paulie here, if Paulie is walking through the woods and some one says “Shhh” because Paulie is stepping on branches that may scare game away, well okay, no big thing right, but when a guy says “Shhh” in a library, well, that is plainly weird, all Paulie can say is “Man, you have lost your roots”, “You are a dead tree”, Paulie may dig you up and burn you in the fire… Diary entry: The professor lived down the street, by the fork, he made us refer to him as the professor, we weren’t sure what kind of professor he was as all he ever did was sit in his back yard, drink beer, and yell at his dog; we figured he must have been a great man at one time, yeah, we all loved and respected the professor… Diary entry: The days were surrealistic my friend, surrealistic indeed… Diary entry: Alright, this “Russia thing” is way out of control, can’t we please stop this madness, this over done witch hunt, Paulie has been contacted by the cute little Russian girl he once knew, she sent Paulie a nice letter and a picture of herself, boy, cute little Russian girls sure change a lot in sixty years… Diary entry: The pretty little birds that Paulie has enjoyed so much seem to have all flown away, Paulie’s bird feeder sits desolate, unneeded, unloved, ignored, maybe it is only the season and not Paulie… Diary entry: Paulie’s magnificent ship sailed high, like the great condor flies over the sea’s expanse, devouring whatever it desires, Paulie’s sails were full blown, they were wide and they captured and subdued the strongest winds, the air itself, the wind belonged to Paulie, Paulie owned the wind, Paulie owned the sea, anyway, that’s the way Paulie remembers it, and Paulie remembers his little Russian girl, just the way she was, sixty long years ago…

Diary entry: Hey everybody, Paulie here, just came in the house, been out back burying the garbage, the sky looks weird again tonight, well, whats new, this goddamned world get’s weirder by the day, I hear that in Norway they say the world is a fjord of weeord, Paulie simply says “I could never pee a fjord of weeord as weeord as this weird ass world”, or something like that, please excuse Paulie if he doesn’t sound like his usual self, as life is taking it’s turns and Paulie’s hands are frozen to the steering wheel, Paulie feels as though he left the road somewhere back past the second Exit Street Turnoff, and before the South Confluence of the Main Street Thoroughfare, yeah, Paulie feels a bit off the main line… Diary entry: Holy fuck shittin’ insky, is this weak, watered down crap broth really real, it’s real, and people are chugging it down like it was ambrosia from the very gods themselves, you undiscerning, crap devouring retards, well, I guess if you are sucking up the shit off the bottom of the aquarium, the waters are clearer for me… Paulie says “Let the scum sucking bastards suck the scum”, it’s the reason they exist, they are the mollusks that eat the shit out of the water, they are the maggots that eat the dead offal off the lake bottom, so that we who have discernment may motor boat up top, shooting clean, clear water in our wake, in the clear wind of reality, yes, the clean, clear wind of reality blows through our hair as we soar over the very waves… Diary entry: Paulie truly apologizes for the tone of recent “Diary” entries, but Paulie feels as if this world has skinned him clear down to the gristle, Paulie feels depleted, Paulie feels like the world stabbed him in the chest with one of those real fat milkshake straws the ice cream place gives you, and the world is sucking the very juice out of Paulie, yes, Paulie is beginning to feel sucked dry… Diary entry: On a more positive note, the little gray haired ‘possum lady from down the street visited Paulie this evening, Paulie enjoys, no, desires, her company, but Paulie can’t touch her because she says she is in excruciating pain, anyway, when Paulie’s special “Skunk In The Hole” cocktails ran out, so did she… Diary entry: Cob, Cob wasn’t a particularly bad guy but he was crazy, real crazy, he kept this little puppet in his pocket and when people would in any way, annoy or agitate Cob, he would remove his puppet and have them speak to it, like some kind of surrogate, Cob would stop speaking his own words and speech would come out of his puppet, we could always tell who was speaking, you know, his close friends, we knew Cob’s voice and we recognized the voice of the puppet he kept, but the people who didn’t know Cob, they didn’t ever know who was speaking, Cob or the puppet… Diary entry: There are several phrases Paulie has heard repeatedly over the years, “Where you get that shit man”, “It’s not real man”, “That’s fuckin’ funny man”, and “Who are you and what the fuck are you supposed to be”… Diary entry: Paulie simply states once more, “Do not accept Paulie, but don’t reject him either”, well, this is Paulie in the late night, calling out in the darkness to whomever’s ears are still open, shalom my people, love and shalom…

Diary entry: Long ago there were railroad detectives, men who investigated anything having to do with the railroad, many men who rode the rails were considered tramps, hobos, well, Paulie rode the rails also, I’m Paulie, and I was a railroad detective, it was my job to investigate, this is my story, it was the late fifties, early sixties, I was with B O, on the Nickle Plate, the Nickle shone like a brand new, well, nickle; back then riders respected us detectives, they considered us friends, they understood the term “dichotomy”, they knew “Yin and Yang”, we were all “Republicans or Democrats”, whether we hailed from the “North or South”, anyway, we were all on this track together, heading to who knows where, we all knew we would be lost without the rail, so we stayed on it like it was some kind of powerful snake god that had laid it’s path out just for us, just so we had something, anything, to follow, and follow we did, yes, we followed this serpent’s trail through the very depths of hell itself, please allow Paulie to explain, the shield Paulie wore proudly on his chest shone like the Nickle at noon, Paulie’s shield was a bean can lid but it was as bright as an October moon, Paulie glowed in the night like a specter, a burning ghost of the world we thought we knew, but it was a world that didn’t know us, nor did it even care to, yes, those days spent on the Nickle were rare, rare indeed, they are some of Paulie’s most cherished memories… Diary entry: Please allow Paulie to thank readers for their patronage to “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary”, but when it’s time to close up shop, the closed sign must be hung in the window, readers, Paulie has eaten the last donut, the box is empty, Paulie’s tires are flat, his gas tank is dry, his engine seized, it is time to meet the car crusher, Paulie once soared above the clouds but is now like the eagle without feathers, a swan without plumage simply drowns, it has been a magnificent feast, but when the food is gone, the bottles are empty, and the guests have all left, it is time to close the door, Paulie is full and satisfied though, Paulie was only an idea that had life while it was brought to mind, but an idea, when forgotten, ceases to live, when the day becomes calm, the strong wind is no longer remembered, please allow Paulie to take this opportunity to bid shalom to the entire eretz, shalom, shalom to all of you whom Paulie loves, you know who you are, you are the ones who love and are loved, to the rest of you, go to hell… Diary entry: Paulie feels as the olive jar after the last olive has been removed, Paulie is empty, Paulie has been crushed to the point of depletion, Paulie’s oil is flowing out, the inner Paulie is being revealed, stay here though, as Paulie’s oil is volatile and it burns hot, Paulie may have one short moment left, yes, one more small spark that can set Paulie back on fire, yes readers, we may just burn this world down yet…

Diary entry: Drivers these days, they are all angry, they drive their dumb ass vehicles like they were all Buzz Aldrin blasting off to some damn distant galaxy far, far away, and if he doesn’t get there quick with his wife’s favorite coffee creamer, he is gonna get reamed out good, anyway, there outta’ be some city department that can come out and put rubber hats on these drivers, their brains are oozing, drivers are so angry, the other day a bus driver got out of his bus, came over to Paulie and threatened to kick his ass, yeah, and get this, Paulie wasn’t driving at the time, Paulie wasn’t even on the road, no, Paulie was simply sitting in a lawn chair in his front yard when this bus driver slammed on his brakes, got out and screamed at Paulie, all Paulie did was throw a beer can at his stupid bus… Diary entry: Well, it was bound to happen, “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” has turned into a large corporation and Paulie is angry, Paulie sees the people on the bottom doing all the work, and the lard asses at the top only sit behind desks with their feet up, drinking scotch and bitching about the little guys, well, Paulie has had it, Paulie is gonna turn this thing upside down, Paulie is gonna shake the goddamned lint out of the pockets, Paulie declares on this day, “I am the house cleaner”, Paulie will take up his iron broom and sweep this thing clean, Paulie’s broom sweeps both ways, Paulie will divide his house, Paulie will swing his heavy iron broom and it will divide the chicken hawks from the chicken shits, Paulie will gather his chicken hawks together, and the chicken shits will flee, Paulie will not call security, Paulie is gonna escort these lard ass chicken shits out the door personally… turn in your key and your little shit and get the fuck out… Diary entry: Paulie tries hard to impress his new neighbors, he doesn’t care about the old ones, they already know Paulie, Paulie says “sorry neighbors”… Diary entry: Shankman’s auntie, the one who looked just like Shankman’s dad, she threw a crazy knuckle ball but she always said she was more of a screw baller… Diary entry: Oh god, is it just me or are people using the middle finger a lot more these days, I see it everywhere I go… Diary entry: Shankman’s dad, or auntie, I still play golf with Shankman’s dad, or auntie, his age has slowed him down, he can’t hit the fairways as he once could but his jokes are as funny as they ever were, but I gotta say, when a guy gets to be eighty nine years old and he is always chewing on a cigar, maybe he should give up the dress and the woman’s wig… Diary entry: A misty night, thick fog, Panda Express, a man with a fur hat entered the establishment, a man who looked strangely familiar, who was this man with the fur hat and why was he here this night, this night of all nights, it seemed Paulie was being followed by death itself, death wearing a fur hat, death manifested in an Oriental man with a fur hat or was it simply something else, a pretty, dark haired Oriental lady brought Paulie another Saki, she softly spoke words I could not understand but I nodded knowingly, in an approving way, this night felt different, different than any other night, it seemed more real, or unreal maybe, could it just be my imagination, or was some awful thing about to bust loose, this crazy inquiry into murder that began so long ago, was this high speed chase about to end in some fiery collision, Paulie felt as if he were skidding towards the guardrail… Diary entry: Paulie found out he was using the wrong Chinese word for “squid”, Paulie apologizes… Diary entry: Unless you’ve seen a man get his head beat to mush with a sandbag, don’t come bitching to Paulie about your little fairy ass life problems… well, night fell upon the land several hours ago, it is now very late, so Paulie takes this opportunity to say to all, before he heads to bed, shalom to all whom Paulie loves, again, good night and shalom…

Diary entry: Paulie confuses his women with his martinis at times, he stirs his ladies a bit too much and they become shaken… Diary entry: Okay this is it for the last time, no more mention will be made of this “Russia thing”, people, please let this “Russia thing” go, Paulie pleads with his readers, there was no premeditated collusion on Paulie’s part, nor the little Russian girl’s part, we simply became compatriots within a diabolical world chess match, two pawns who saw our reflections in each other’s faces, two compatriots who existed for but a moment in time, we were two people from enemy nations who knew that enemies could never coexist, we tried to come together as something other than enemies, we tried but we failed, Paulie bears no hatred for the pretty little Russian girl who stole his secrets, and possibly, the secrets of Paulie’s nation… Diary entry: Readers, please try to understand, Paulie has always been a weak man, he apologizes for his many weaknesses, but the pretty little Russian girl overwhelmed Paulie to the extent that his patriotism failed, did little Paulie become Benedict Arnold, Paulie can’t say as he doesn’t know everything Benedict Arnold did, whether or not he had some cute little enemy girl in his little chateau down the railroad track by the abandoned trestle… Diary entry: Paulie may have to give up on this “Murder On The Panda Express” murder case, too much MSG and Saki have taken their toll on Paulie’s faculties, plus, Paulie has had his chop sticks broken several times, Paulie has been blown in circles by a typhoon that has no control, Paulie is dizzy, spinning around by a circular wind, going round and round, Paulie’s once magnificent ship has become a leaky inner tube with a soggy cardboard deck, the whole thing is going down, this whole thing is sinking, Paulie may be saying shalom for the last time… Diary entry: Boy, Paulie’s little groundhogs ran out of their den this morning like they were on fire, yes, Paulie is under the weather, what exactly is the temperature that can kill you anyway, the man inside the refrigerator said I should just stay cool but Paulie’s head is hot and his feet are like ice, you know, chocolate mint ice cream vomit isn’t really so bad, listen, I’ve had some bad vomit and I tell you the truth… Diary entry: Listen, if you knew you were gonna puke, wouldn’t you eat some kind of mint thing first… If I were certain I was gonna puke, I tell you, I’d never eat the squid special at Panda Express beforehand… Diary entry: Those words keep swirling in my mind, the words the young opium addicted busboy said to me that late night at Panda Express, “One single grain of rice can kill a man”, yes, those words were chilling but the words he spoke that chilled me to the very bones of my soul were “We have a form of Chinese justice”, I had never heard of this Chinese justice before and let me say simply, “I am chilled to the very bones of my soul”… Diary entry: Oh no, I just took the stupid cat’s anus pills, they look like aspirin, should I make myself puke… Diary entry: Paulie awoke, he came to, two cold gray iron eyes peered through torn curtain eyelids, Paulie immediately froze, it was Mr. Kim, yes, it was Kim and Kim was angry, the sea had eaten his boat like a stale fortune cookie and it would be me to pay the tab, the cookie sank to the bottom but the fortune didn’t, the fortune would be mine and it didn’t look good, oh damn, damn the thing that ever brought us together, oh damn Mr. Kim, damn his deals, damn his money, damn his power, oh just damn it all anyway…