May 23, 2020 Diary entry: Some guy who had a horse said he was gonna teach him up and then ride him like the wind, I told him that my horse was the wind itself, see him fly, see my horse, he is a sea horse, he is a sea horse riding the swift ocean waves like Poseidon rides a weary mermaid after he comes home from a long night of drinking up half the oceanwater; this has been a 1960’s LSD flashback, flashing back to that time when you were sitting in your aunt’s parlor and the air around you was swirling like a drunken kaleidoscope that was on LSD too, and you were talking to the ghosts of Dean, Kerouac, Aunt Jemima, and Lenin, not John Lenin, Vladimir Illyich Ulyanov, that Lenin, and your aunt came into the room and told you that you were cuckoo and she was gonna call your uncle to talk to you because he had once spent time on the psych ward and you are just cuckoo beyond belief, and then your aunt began to read stories to you about how Jesus once rescued a young freaked-out hippie girl from the great pink dragon who was keeping her captive inside his velvet castle, and how he could save you too, then she melted into a puddle of that delicious tapioca-looking stuff with the little pineapple chunks in it, do you remember that, I do, it was one of the most terrifying weekends I ever spent, and my aunt and uncle never let me visit again because they said something was living inside me that wasn’t right, and if I was gonna talk to ghosts in their house and not stop trying to lick Aunt Mavah, I could just stay home next Thanksgiving, well, this is Paulie, hoping all your LSD flashbacks are good ones, shalom…

May 23, 2020 Diary entry: I get up early every morning and slave so that every mouse can be fed, a crumb or two must be provided for every hungry mouse, my primary job is to feed my family, and although my family isn’t the traditional American one, we are relatively happy and secure, we don’t go out to the clubs, we don’t spend a lot of money, we don’t drive around in big cars, but we do live life as best we can, we live it together in our little house out on the outskirts of the city, life has given us what it has given us and we are thankful for what we have, we don’t have much but we have each other and that is a lot, well, it’s sing-along time, time to crank out some awesome Japanese Future Funk on the stereo and sing along with the best parts, anyway, this is Paulie and his little mouse family, wishing all your cheese is sweet, and your dreams are all cat free, shalom…

May 22, 2020 Diary entry: I must be living near an international mouse airport that doesn’t have a customs office, this morning when I woke up, there were three Mexican mice lying drunk on my floor, they were wearing wide sombreros and they all had those long thin black mousetaches, there was a half-empty airplane bottle of tequila lying next to my bag of chili lime tortilla chips, and the whole room had a funny smoky smell, one of the mice asked me to go down to the cantina and bring back his sweet Rosarita because he was in the mood for some south-of-the-border mouse love, the guy was drunk and stoned out of his mind, god, I swear, I’ve sealed up every hole and crack in my house but these mice are still getting in, I don’t know what to do, well, I’m gonna go root around in the closet for my Spanish-English dictionary because I’m not sure me and the mice are communicating, okay then, this is Paulie saying adios and shalom…

May 22, 2020 Diary entry: “Ring Ring Ring”, “Ring Ring”, “Ring”, Hello, I’m Paulie, the brain repairman you called for, may I come in, your call seemed urgent, I have all the tools I will need to determine your brain problem and diagnose all the gremlins that are inside your wiring and electronic circuits, now I want you to just relax and let me do all the work, first, I will need to use my diagnostic tools, I will use my amp probe and ohm meter to test your basic circuits, I will put my probe in you and test you out, just relax, this won’t hurt for only a minute, now if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s someone who looks over my shoulder while I’m at work, and please don’t complain about the bill before I have all the parts and labor totaled up, now, I see your brain has some loose connections here, I see corroded contact blocks, one of your terminal strips has rusted right off and it’s laying on the floor, how long has it been since you had a professional look at you, your brain looks like it has been neglected for quite some time, you’re lucky I’m here, I think I can patch you back together and have you thinking right by the end of the business day, you’ll be picking out bullshit and analyzing the liars of the world like never before, I’m going to have to run all new wiring to your main power supply, the insulation has been quite compromised, that’s probably the reason you’ve been voting and believing the evening news like it was being read by your sainted mother who would never lie to her sweet little snookums; I better run rigid conduit, you experience a lot of shaking and other movement in your head, your head isn’t what it used to be, I cannot guarantee my work because you have a lot of problems here, some of this stuff is gonna just have to be cobbled together if you can’t pay for a complete tear-out and reinstall, you really need a new brain, but I know how people get attached to their old raggedy stuff from the old days and they have a hard time giving it up, that’s a decision I can’t make for you, if it was up to me, I’d just rip the whole thing out and sell you one of the new Chinese dog brains that they grow under laboratory conditions, the new Chinese dog brains are faster and more accurate than the one you’ve been using, if it’s a question of cost, we can work out an easy payment plan that will suit your income and intelligence, well, it looks like things here are more serious than I previously believed, I’m going to have to return to the shop for more stuff, I’ll get you fixed up enough here today so you can at least watch Gilligan’s Island and possibly understand the stupid jokes on that one celebrity show where they answer questions as if they think up the answers themselves, let me leave you some literature on the new Chinese dog brains, I think one of those would be a good fit for you, well, it’s martini time and my union rule says to stop work, so I’ll see you back here tomorrow, this is Paulie, wishing you love and peace…

May 21, 2020 Diary entry: “Bob, you’re a dirty corn-cob-bobbin’ s.o.b. who can’t find the crib!”, “Yeah Paulie, you’re worm diarrhea that found a new place to live, on your shoulders between your ears!”, oh hi, I didn’t see you there, we were just sittin’ here jawin’ with each other at the bar, we’re here at Joe’s Uptown Bar and Grill tonight, it’s Free Taco Night and we were just having after-dinner drinks and jalapeno-spiked saucy talk, that’s just the way we talk to each other out here in the Midwest, we don’t get offended by insults because we know that we are all serious losers, that’s why we never take life seriously, we treat it all as a joke, sometimes a very bad joke, but a joke never-the-less, anyway, “Hey Paulie, some guy called about your plugged flush valve, it was either your plumber or your doctor, I forget!”, “Screw you Bob, your wife just called to ask why you’re not dead!”, Joe’s bringing another tray of tacos, I don’t know how he makes these things but they are actually pretty good after the after-dinner drinks, I don’t think Joe uses real cheese though, it’s way too chewy, it’s like trying to chew apart bubblegum, the more you chew, the rubberier it gets, I think the taco shells are real though, real hard-baked desert salamander shit with just the right amount of salt, anyway, Joe’s not such a bad guy, he let’s us use his place to gather and plan out our plan for the future, don’t worry, we’re not planning too far ahead, we just want to make it to the next stream crossing before another flash flood occurs, the talk down here tonight has mainly been about the coming paradigm shift and what a shame it will be that most of the human population won’t see it because they don’t live on this flat stationary earth, they are screwing through a vast darkness of utter nothingness on the back of a pagan solar system model of lies, it’s a shame they won’t be here for the great inversion, anyhoo, some one just shouted for a wiener dog dance contest, I see people leaving their bar stools as the Juke Box blares out “Barkin’ At The Moon During The Noon Whistle” by Kay and the Nines, well, we’re gonna let this thing go for the night, everybody here at Joe’s wants me to say good night, good love, and shalom…

May 21,2020 Diary entry: My date and I approached the entrance of one of our usual dining establishments, the maitre’ d advised that Paulie wasn’t properly attired for dinner, so we left Pedro’s Taco Stand and we went to Lisa’s Late Lunch Diner and ate in the parking lot, Paulie’s date was an exceptional beauty, she looked like she had just stepped out of a 1940’s era nightclub into the dark sweaty summer night onto the rain-slickened city street that was on fire from flashing neon and headlights, she was tall, pretty, dark haired, and her dress flashed some kind of a mysterious warning, she looked like the woman that the ancient sailors referred to as The Pearl of the Orient, her gaze cut the night like a stiletto, she lifted a fresh cigarette to her lips and Paulie lit it for her, she exhaled a cloud of smoke that enveloped and blinded Paulie as if he had entered into another dimension, or gone through a portal to a new world on the other side; all of Paulie’s thoughts evaporated into a wide thundering cloud that floated through the air and covered the great city down below, Paulie had never felt this way before, had Paulie stumbled upon Coronado’s lost seven cities of gold, had he found the real lost city of Machu Picchu, had he found the golden key that unlocks the unknown world where all life originates; the moon smiled on us as we walked along down the slithering asphalt street that twisted and turned like an angry cobra, were we riding on the back of some wild beast that may one day turn and devour us, could this possibly be just one more of Diana’s Mirrors that beckons a man to his painful death, the promise of love snatched away because we all are such fools, I don’t know, I will leave questions such as that to men with greater minds than mine, I just wanted to live in this one moment for however long this one moment would last, I would worry later after it was all over, for now though, I was captain of the entire Star Fleet and I was gonna tear up space, I was gonna rip a hole in it’s guts until it lost all it’s vacuum and wouldn’t even suck up the crumbs from your stupid corn chips, yeah, this is my world, no matter how long or how short, this is my world and I will live in it like a hungry tiger lives in his world, always on the prowl, fearing nothing, and catching the most spectacular prey of the jungle that wears a pulsating silk dress and dances on the back of the serpent, this is Paulie, peace…

May 20, 2020 Diary entry: This is a little light house cry sent out across the churning sea to that far off place where the Americans live, that small coral atoll called Gilligan’s Island, you Americans are indeed a clam-baked people, you have been clam-baked to the point of oblivion, you clam-baked American castaways still trust in your Skipper, you still believe that Gilligan will find the compass and repair the boat so you can all sail back to that Hell World you left three seasons ago, you are all seriously deluded, your thousand butterfly farts that you sent out did not traverse the earth and move cultures in foreign lands to come around to your way of life, they don’t want your thoughts and beliefs, they know you are stranded out on the outskirts of all that is called relevant and coherent, the people of the earth do not want you, now, the question is, what do you do about it, well, first thing, you get split bamboo and run it up through your Skipper and make him into a shark shish kabob and you toss him to the sharks, then, you take a long rope and tie it around Gilligan’s neck and you go troll for giant drum or the new man-eating grouper that they say are some kind of hybrid that escaped from a clandestine laboratory somewhere near the coast of China, then, you go after that worthless poser, the Professor, who couldn’t make a coconut radio if Edison himself tutored him on basic electronics, find yourself a hundred coconuts and fill them with molten lead, then make the Professor a hairy coconut suit and drop him in the deep part of the lagoon, then, the rich banker sleaze, you need to take care of him, fill his rear end with the the kind of usury he understands and foreclose a fat mortgage on his dead ass, and then the swanky movie starlet who is really a guy, cast him in his final role, and that little Midwestern girl who you all think is so innocent, she was a West Hollywood hooker who Sherman Schwartz was too cheap to pay so he gave her a role on the show in lieu of money, who else is left, I don’t know, well, this has just been a little note to all the peoples of the world, not all of us Americans stick together, we are not all in this together, we here at Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary may be sojourning in this land but we are not a part of it’s odd people or it’s strange customs, we are sovereign men living in a foreign land, if Washington D.C. can do it, so can we, they are not a part of this country and neither are we, to those Americans who say love it or leave it, we say eat our outhouse dregs or leave us alone, this has been Paulie and the crew, we wish you peace and all good things, shalawam….

May 20, 2020 Diary entry: This will be a teaching that the staff here at Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary have wanted to do for quite some time but we have been distracted by the many recent events, but during this slow period in the world slowdown, we have decided the time is right; our thesis is entitled “Stop Speaking The English Language”, “Stop It Right Now”, you people do not know the meanings of the words you speak every day, the English language is a dichotomic stew of utter revulsion, it is a dirty filthy language conjured up by wicked men, the English language is built upon the twin pillars, the Yin and Yang, the Light and Dark, it is a duality of perspective, all words and phrases have dual meanings depending on your perspective and who you are, and what you are, we admonish all peoples, no matter where you find yourself on this earth plane, ditch the English language now, you are speaking utter filth to your dear Grandma, your lovely wife or husband, and your sweet little children who will most certainly learn your wicked tongue and speak it themselves; please take a few moments and research the simple word meanings of the words you speak, pull out a few dusty etymological dictionaries and study the disgusting origins of the vast vocabulary of words you are so proud of, we won’t be going into the dual meanings of such single words like “hoe”, you can look up single word meanings on your own, we will be stressing groups of words which we will refer to as “phrases”, yes, phrases you use every day in some kind of dark ignorance left over from the cave man era, please understand, our only motive is to illuminate dark and lifeless skulls, we are not in this thing for recognition or money, our only desire is that you may see clearly the language you have chosen to use, and possibly reject it forevermore, and wash your lips with some of that sanitizing liquid you have stored up because you are afraid to even wipe your butt without being sterile first, sterilizing your hands is a symbol for what Bill Gates wants to do to your little thingie anyway, you are all such fools that you let these world leader freaks lead your brain like it was a dead cat they drag behind them on a leash to cause fear in all the neighborhood cats so they won’t howl on the fence at night and reproduce, be that as it may be, that is not our reason for being here, it is word phrase meanings of the English language; do you know what you are saying when you say that you are going to “hoe the brown row”, or “run the ferret down the dirt hole”, or “pack the crate”, or “put the potato in the microwave”, or “drive down the gravel road”, or “squirm in the pew”, or “slam the back door”, “feel the tail wind”, “get the beans in”, or “feel around in the dark”, “explore the dark continent”, “lounge around in the shade”, “dip the biscuit in the gravy”, “dunk the cruller”, “sink the Bismark”, you astronomers, stop talking about “moon landings”, or “zoomin’ the telephoto lens toward the black hole”, and don’t tell people you “slid in the mud”, it’s disgusting, or that you “canoe’d up the muddy river”; to you political wogs out there, stop using such phrases as “workin’ the deal”, “pushin’ the peace”, “pushin’ the pact”, and “stuffin’ the ballot box”, you office workers, stop using such phrases as “stuffin’ the envelope”, “grindin’ the pencil”, “staplin’ the carbon copy”, “puttin’ fresh stock in the rear”, farmers are especially bad, using phrases like “plantin’ squorsh”, “gettin’ the corn in”, “puttin’ the post in the hole”, “plowin’ the bottom land”, please think before you speak, and find a new language, we are tired of hearing you people say that you are “loungin’ in the back room”, or how you just adore “ridin’ through the pass country”, “sinkin’ your putt in the nineteenth hole”, “diggin’ the hole to China”, to those of you who work in the energy industry, stop saying that you are “frackin’ the shale”, “diggin’ the coal”, “explorin’ for gas”, and we must direct our most vehement rebuke to the nation that started this whole disgusting language to begin with, you Brits, you Londoners are not immune from rebuke with your “stuck in the sticky wicket”, “puttin’ the beef in the Wellington”, “polishin’ the Queen’s seat of power”, “sendin’ the little general into the Khyber pass”, “brewin’ the brown tea”, well, I think the staff and I have made our point, and the point is to cease and desist from using the horrible language they call English, become aware of the filth that proceeds from your lips, none of us are innocent of the obscenity charges against us, we have all contributed to the downfall of humanity, accept your guilt, accept your punishment, then move on and never speak English again, we hope we have illucidated some of the less intelligent readers out there, Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary is not in the business of making friends, we are a people of many words and few friends, and we will leave you with these few heartfelt words, never cease learning, never cease living, and never cease loving, this is Paulie and his staff, shalom…

May 20,2020 Diary entry: If I had it all to do over again, things would be different, I’ll tell you that, I wouldn’t cow tow to any woman, when I come home to the tee pee from a long day on the warpath because the office manager is on my ass and he doesn’t give me any credit at all, I’m gonna relax, I’m the king of my castle and nobody can tell the king what to do, if I want to dig a moat around my wigwam, I’ll dig a goddamn moat around my wigwam, my squaw would be there to serve me, “Fetch me my moccasins and my peace pipe”, “I’m gonna do some smokin'”, “Pour two jiggers of firewater into a hollowed out buffalo horn”, “And bring a bear skin for my legs, I feel a chill coming on”, “Then bring some more wood for the campfire”, “I’d like a nice fat muskrat for supper, and could you stuff it with some of those herb’ed bread crumbs like your mom makes”, then there’s a whole other thing, the In-laws, I don’t mind the squaw’s mother but I can’t stand her father, he drinks all my firewater and he smokes all my mushrooms and I can’t talk to the gods, I’m left stuck in this dimension holding a ball of yarn as I talk to the squaw’s mother, or I’m stringing colorful beads on a necklace while the squaw’s father sits on the other side of the tee pee talking to the ghosts of Sitting Bull and Geronimo, I’m as sober as a gut-shot coyote, and he’s over there howling because the ghost of Chief Running Dagger just told him the joke about the stupid white hunting party that got lost in the mountain because they thought their compass was a pocket watch stuck on six o’clock, damn white men should go back where they came from, Europe or wherever, yeah, if I could live life over, things would be different, there wouldn’t be any of that complaining about my beaver skins cluttering up the tee pee when I was in the mood to be romantic, “Can’t you clean up your beaver skins”, “Can’t you organize your beaver skins”, “Can’t you stack up your beaver skins more neatly”, “When are you going to do something about your beaver skins”, then when it’s time to gather up all the beaver skins to take in to the trading post to sell them, it’s “Do you have all my beaver skins loaded into the wagon”, “Make sure you don’t forget any of my beaver skins”, “I’ve got plans for the money I receive from my beaver skins”, then I have to go another year without that neat deer antler hunting knife I’ve always wanted, oh god how I wish I had another shot at life, I’d make an amazing one hundred yard shot from my bow and I would shoot the heart out of life, then I would gut and skin it, and roast the best parts of it’s hindquarters over my campfire as I scream to the heavens above that I am the brave warrior that brought life to it’s knees and subdued it like a hungry mountain lion subdues it’s weak prey, and all the squaws would dream of riding that great wild mountain lion, that great wild mountain lion they call Paulie, yeah, just one more shot at life is all I would need, well, they say hindsight is twenty twenty and foresight can’t be attained until it’s too late, how true those words are, we live and we learn but we live too much and learn too little, anyway, if there is one thing I have indeed learned, it’s that a bitchy squaw is better than no squaw at all, this is Paulie, shalom…

May 19, 2020 Diary entry: Shalawam everybody, it’s Paulie and the gang down here at Diary Headquarters, I’m sorry if you can’t hear me over the music and raucous laughter, it’s the party of the century down here, I’m sorry about all you who must stay in isolation because you’re sick, you really ought’a be here, anyway, the reason we joke so much about religion is because we have many of the world’s religions represented here, everyone has a different belief system and they continually ridicule other people whose beliefs don’t jibe with their own, so we have Jesus jokes, Allah jokes, Shiva jokes, Zoroaster jokes, and some one just told me an insane story about why the Laughing Buddha is so happy when he sits down, and you won’t believe what the Pseudo-Druids say his throne actually is, come back and I’ll tell you later when all these other readers aren’t here, I think the ancient Druids get a bad rap these days, they aren’t all wearing dark capes doing dark things with dark intentions, one of our Druid priests works down at Copies-R-Us and he calls the bingo games on Friday, and he gets us free copy paper, he’s just a regular guy who brings the most delightful canapes to work and shares them with everybody, anyway, there was gonna be a purpose to this latest diary entry, some reason I’m here other than the fact I’m bored because the animals are all at the vet’s due to an infestation of fleas, and the power company turned off the electricity because they installed a smart meter without my knowledge and over charged me 500 dollars, and when I called to tell them to remove their dumb ass smart meter and take the dumb ass charge off my bill, and explain to me what dumb ass was responsible, well, they sent a guy out to remove their smart meter, but they didn’t replace it with another dumb ass meter, so my battery will probably be going out soon; thank you California for warning us about these bastards and their dumb ass smart meters several years ago, I wasn’t caught by surprise because of you, anyway, speaking of religious nuts, why did the Mr. Peanut man quit his successful Los Angeles law practice in the city, renounce Diasporic Atheism and convert to Islam and move to the Valley to grow grapes, give up, because he knew deep down he was a Planter, one more joke, why did Zoroaster the Persian prophet wear shiny pink silk slippers with the turned-up toes, because he stepped in dog crap with his slippers while taking the garbage out and his wife wasn’t home, well, my battery is running low, I better cut this short while I can still say shalawam, so, shalawam……