The Brainman

May 22, 2020 Diary entry: “Ring Ring Ring”, “Ring Ring”, “Ring”, Hello, I’m Paulie, the brain repairman you called for, may I come in, your call seemed urgent, I have all the tools I will need to determine your brain problem and diagnose all the gremlins that are inside your wiring and electronic circuits, now I want you to just relax and let me do all the work, first, I will need to use my diagnostic tools, I will use my amp probe and ohm meter to test your basic circuits, I will put my probe in you and test you out, just relax, this won’t hurt for only a minute, now if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s someone who looks over my shoulder while I’m at work, and please don’t complain about the bill before I have all the parts and labor totaled up, now, I see your brain has some loose connections here, I see corroded contact blocks, one of your terminal strips has rusted right off and it’s laying on the floor, how long has it been since you had a professional look at you, your brain looks like it has been neglected for quite some time, you’re lucky I’m here, I think I can patch you back together and have you thinking right by the end of the business day, you’ll be picking out bullshit and analyzing the liars of the world like never before, I’m going to have to run all new wiring to your main power supply, the insulation has been quite compromised, that’s probably the reason you’ve been voting and believing the evening news like it was being read by your sainted mother who would never lie to her sweet little snookums; I better run rigid conduit, you experience a lot of shaking and other movement in your head, your head isn’t what it used to be, I cannot guarantee my work because you have a lot of problems here, some of this stuff is gonna just have to be cobbled together if you can’t pay for a complete tear-out and reinstall, you really need a new brain, but I know how people get attached to their old raggedy stuff from the old days and they have a hard time giving it up, that’s a decision I can’t make for you, if it was up to me, I’d just rip the whole thing out and sell you one of the new Chinese dog brains that they grow under laboratory conditions, the new Chinese dog brains are faster and more accurate than the one you’ve been using, if it’s a question of cost, we can work out an easy payment plan that will suit your income and intelligence, well, it looks like things here are more serious than I previously believed, I’m going to have to return to the shop for more stuff, I’ll get you fixed up enough here today so you can at least watch Gilligan’s Island and possibly understand the stupid jokes on that one celebrity show where they answer questions as if they think up the answers themselves, let me leave you some literature on the new Chinese dog brains, I think one of those would be a good fit for you, well, it’s martini time and my union rule says to stop work, so I’ll see you back here tomorrow, this is Paulie, wishing you love and peace…


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