Diary entry: Good morning, it’s Paulie out here on the city limit, it’s laundry day today and I’m boiling my socks and underwear on the stove, it’s truly a great day to be alive out here, the skirts of the city are like the ones those ladies used to wear back in the old days, those hot summer days when picnics in the park were an enchanting adventure, full of handsome men flipping hot dogs on the grill and calling out to all, that there was cold root beer on ice, and all the ladies wore their prettiest skirts, had their hair in pony tails, and they never passed up the chance to pat a young boy on the head and tell him he was cuter than a new born puppy, yeah, Paulie remembers the days when all the ladies loved his sweet innocence, his shy demeanor that hid a burning volcano of something they could not quite understand, a young boy who could never be understood but was destined for greatness, a greatness that, once again, they would never come to understand, it seems that no one understands Paulie, he hasn’t had a pat on the head by a pretty lady in a long time, it has been so long since a lady in her prettiest skirt has told Paulie that someday he would amount to something, well, Paulie will not give up, he will persevere like he has always persevered, he will carry on as always, and he will keep the hood ornament pointed straight ahead down the road, foot on the gas pedal, both hands on the wheel, headlights always on high, and as he does, he rolls down his window to shout out to the barren countryside, “If anyone is out there, wake up you freaking retard!”, well, my laundry is done so this is Paulie shouting his loudest “I love you” to all those he loves, to the rest of you, Paulie doesn’t really need to shout it, but he will, “Go to hell”….

Diary entry: You all know by now that Paulie rejects all things Christmas, the holiday that the whole world celebrates, Paulie rejects all things Christmas except for those pepperminty candy canes and the darling novelty holiday choc0lates that come in every shape and size, my dear neighbor next door gave me an exquisite platter of what she called her special homemade reindeer turds, and her heartfelt Christmas present to me this year was that she cleaned up all her dog’s crap outta’ my yard, well, here’s hoping you get all that you wish for, may your days be cold, snowy, and pepperminty, and may all your night time sleigh rides be lit with a full moon, well, this is Paulie, lighting up a smoke as he pours his first martini of the evening, and calling out to people all over the snowy wonderland, easy on the eggnog, keep the sleigh on the trail, keep your hopes high, and keep your heads down, shalom…

Diary entry: Good morning, it has been said that Paulie rants on like an old corn farmer who continually has his overalls caught in the corn picker, people ask “Why can’t Paulie get a little farmer lady to tame him down some”, well, there were several farm ladies who had intended to take Paulie home with them but their ropes weren’t strong enough to keep Paulie in the wagon, anyway, we have received comments and questions from many different nations about the great island in the sea, America, where Paulie currently finds himself residing in, “What is it like there”, “Do you Americans see America differently than we see it in our foreign lands”, some of you aren’t entirely sure what to think of America, so Paulie will write a short note, curl it up, put it into a corked bottle, toss it in the water, and send it across the sea to wherever you are in the world, I’ll try to explain, there is much to say about “The land of the free and home of the brave” but I am too scared to say it out loud, Uncle Sam is nothing like your sweet Uncle Hubert who carried bubble gum in his pocket and always let you smoke a cigarette on the way to the movies, let’s see, America is like being in a packed movie theater where the dumbest most retarded movie is on the screen and you want to make loud fart sounds but you know that if you do, everyone in the place will throw their popcorn and drinks on you because to them the movie is the greatest story ever told, then when the love scene comes on and the cowboy takes his huge hat off and tells the lady “Yer purtier than a steer heifer in the moonlight”, you want to make loud barfing noises but you know if you do, you will be going home all wet and sticky with popcorn in your hair, being an American is kinda like that old movie from the early seventies where the Clockwork American who thinks too much and seems to be too rebellious for the norm, well, he gets his eyelids stuck open and he is forced to watch ridiculously dumb soap operas on the twenty four hour news channel over and over every day until they break him and he comes around to the right way of thinking, people here think Gilligan is a real sailor and the Skipper actually knows starboard from port and that the USS Minnow is an honest to goodness naval destroyer, well, it is Paulie’s sincerest wish that his little corked up bottle finds it’s way to those far away across the sea whom Paulie hopes to touch, this is Paulie wishing you all shalom…

Diary entry: Yeah, it’s the Christmas season once more, although Paulie no longer celebrates Christmas, he does have memories of Christmas’es past and he would like to share them with you during this most festive time of year, Paulie remembers his young childhood like it was a Christmas past that happened only yesterday, every year Dad would put on his Santa suit and pretend to be Santa Claus; we would make the rounds through the snowy wonderland of Farmington and Dad would regale all with stories and little candies he passed out to every passerby, then after Mother died, Dad would get drunk at Christmas, put his Santa suit on, and tell us kids to get in the goddamned car because we were gonna celebrate like it was the last Christmas, not the first Christmas, we always went out to the county orphanage and Dad would read seasonal stories to the orphans but he always ended up telling the same old story about an Oriental prostitute he knew while he was in the navy, then he’d give cigarettes out to the children and either pass out or get in a wreck on the way home, one year Dad gave me a real revolver with a flashlight attachment on it, he told me to go stand in front of the mirror and check my mouth for loose fillings, everybody loved my dad but his Christmastime drinking was beginning to sour the eggnog if you know what I mean, one year Dad was hitching Rudolf up to the sleigh, actually it was the neighbor’s dog he was trying to get to pull his Oldsmobile out of the ditch, Dad said Rudolf was getting too old to do his job anymore and he shot him with a flare gun he kept in the trunk, Rudolf’s nose wasn’t the only thing that lit up that Christmas, well, every time Christmas rolled around and that ratty old Santa Claus suit came out of the closet, we knew we were in for another “holly, jolly, fucked up by golly” Christmas, anyway, this is Paulie hoping your little Christmas is whatever it is you think it is, shalom to all the family during this most regular time of year, again, shalom…

Diary entry: Paulie here, no one has ever known the secret location of where Gilligan’s Island was filmed , the exact location has never been found, but there is a guy on You Tube who says a gopher on the set came to him with maps that seem to be dated to the time frame when the shows were shot, the gopher’s name cannot be divulged because he signed non disclosure contracts that prohibit him from talking, anyway, they are sitting on the story for some reason, maybe because of death threats, who knows, but it has been leaked that Gilligan’s Island may have been filmed in Sumatra somewhere, a particular species of coconut palm that only exists in the region can be plainly seen in the opening of the show where they play the Gilligan song and show the island in the sea from a distance of two kilometers that was filmed from a naval destroyer during routine training exercises, this is an intriguing story that we will be keeping an eye on, we will keep all posted on any new information we receive… oh, hang on, why did the professor’s super special coconut radio fail? Because it was not a coconut, it was the head of that little midget guy from Fantasy Island that drifted up into the lagoon, his boss murdered him and cast his head into the sea because he was too plain, too plain, and he was sick and tired of his shit…

Diary entry: Hey everybody, it’s Paulie here with a heartfelt holiday wish for you, Paulie wishes for you to love him, feel him, use him, yes, use Paulie, he is here for you, use his words, Paulie wants his words to be your words, let Paulie’s words flow freely from your lips, use them at all times, use them on the guy in front of you in the grocery store line who keeps swiping his driver’s license in the scanner, tell him the goddamned State of Indiana isn’t going to pay for his stupid fuckin’ Twinkies and beer, let Paulie’s words flow from you like honey from an overpopulated bee hive, tell that pretty girl at the gas station that your tank is full but you want her to “top you off” anyway, lay that candy bar on the counter and tell her you crave more than a “Bit-O-Honey”, you want the whole thing, yes, Paulie’s words are a gift of the season, it is the season for giving and Paulie gives his words to you, pass the gift on to others this holiday season, let’s make this a year to remember, Paulie’s most heartfelt gift to the world is himself, please accept Paulie as he is, I know you have heard it said “It’s not the gift that counts, it’s the words behind it”, Paulie offers the only thing he has, his words, peace and shalom to all…

Diary entry: This is an official statement that has been written under the banner of “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” and is being spoken with the full authority of all that “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” stands for, we proudly proclaim to the world that “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” will not be intimidated, we will carry on as we have always carried on, we will walk as we have always walked, we shall sing the song we have always sung for these past weeks, months, and years, the great condor will not stop soaring over the churning sea, the large buzzard that floats high among the clouds will not stop eating rotten carrion by the roadside, the neighbor lady’s dog will not stop crapping in the yard, and Paulie will not stop calling out to his family, those who love and are loved, Paulie says to each family member, “I am you and you are me”, “We are one, we will stand forever”, to the world in general, I think you may already know what Paulie is about to say, yes, Paulie once more says “Go to hell”, shalom…

Diary entry: Good morning class, you all look well today, I hope you have been studying your workbook, if any one of you fails this class, you all fail, and you will be given a most distressing homework assignment, there is a weathered cardboard box on your teacher’s desk, you will file past and each one of you will remove a rain gauge, your assignment will be to measure the rainfall in hell… Diary entry: The lady at the bar was a real gazelle, she ran like one when Paulie began to explain the true meaning of the term “buttonholer”, people have no idea what the “button business” really is… Diary entry: “Would you allow me to take you to lunch my dear, I know a little out-of-the way bar and grill, softly nestled between the transient hotel and the tannery, we shall sing the day away as if it were our very own”…

Diary entry: It’s true that Paulie has been singing loudly during these recent times, people have been complaining about the songs he is singing, people want to change Paulie’s tune, well, you can’t change the tune of the springtime robin, you can’t stop the summer screech owl from screaming in the hot night, and one thing is sure as hell itself, you better not attempt to harness the voice of the hawk god who has talons that span the entire county, you will most certainly die the death of a fake martyr, the hawk will feather a nest inside your gaping bowel cavity, well, this is Paulie the hawk, crying out loud in his most terrifying voice, “Wake up you fuckin’ retard”, shalom my people, shalom… Diary entry: Look, Paulie can only sing the song he’s been given, every bird sings his own song and no one else’s, you can’t ask the finch to wail like a whippoorwill, the little wren will never scream like the great eagle, and Paulie the man will never moo like the cattle of the world, Paulie will no longer be driven along with the herd, Paulie is out and on a path that the cattle will never see, shalom family, shalom…

Diary entry: Well, the holiday season will soon be upon us again, time for pecan pies, pralines, various pumpkin breads, and cookies, there is no shortage of nuts this year, the forest has really produced a bumper crop, it seems the fuckin’ nuts are falling from the sky in some kind of maniacal monsoon of morbid and moronic stupidity that goes against all that is called civilized or decent, to wit, Paulie was outside raking the leaves and empty beer cans out of the yard when two idiots approached and tried to sell Paulie home improvements of some kind, Paulie recognized them by the tee shirts they were wearing that had “Dipshit Sales Corporation” silk screened on them, these two might as well have had “Dumb Ass” tattooed across their foreheads, hang on, I’ve just been handed a paper describing a breaking news story, a story is breaking at this very moment concerning upheaval in progress out at the “Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary” warehouse, it appears that religious war has broken out between the various sects and cults people here belong to, they are holding one hostage, we don’t have the hostage’s name but he is reported to be the young writer responsible for the Jesus cookie fiasco that has been a contentious thorn in our side these past weeks and months, there is no info on his condition but he had been forcibly removed from his pod and taken out to the parking lot to be stoned by one of our more orthodox religious cults, it seems the pea sized parking lot gravel didn’t work too well, he got more pebbled than stoned, that’s all we have for now, we will return as soon as new information comes in, this is Paulie here at “Diary” headquarters, we will be here all night providing updates as they come in, good night for now and always remember to keep your hopes high and your heads down, shalom…