Apr 26, 2020 Diary entry: I was watching a TV show where these two guys were in a knife fight with kitchen knives, it reminded me of the many butter knife fights over breakfast on Saturday mornings with my wife because the whiskey she drank during the week was wearing off, now you might ask why it is my wife just didn’t go to the liquor store and chill out, well, the liquor stores weren’t open on Saturdays, we lived in a small prairie town of Seventh Day Adventists, and all the businesses had to close on Saturdays because Jesus wouldn’t return to earth if everyone was drunk, so anyway, there was an unexpected eclipse of the sun one Christmas, they say Jesus died during an eclipse, or was it the Ides of March, anyway, I have a few jelly and buttery scars from one particularly intense Christmas Saturday morning when the wife cut me with a festive plastic reindeer cake spatula when the only present she wanted to open was me; as I ponder wistfully days gone by, I wonder, I just sit and wonder, and I look up into the night and I try to count the stars, and for each star I count, I count one of my blessings, the many stars and the many blessings of my short time in this world, shalom…

Apr 26, 2020 Diary entry: When Paulie was a boy, all the kids in the neighborhood played Cowboys and Indians, for some reason, I was always the Indian who got staked to the anthill while everyone else went to the drug store for sodas, after that, I was known as Little Chief Wanna Wanna Get Up, every time we played Old Maid, I always ended up getting the Death Card, when the crick froze over in the winter time, the big kids let me tag along with them and I contributed much to the team, they said they needed to chop a hole in the ice to see how deep the water was, and they weighted me down and used me for a depth finder, my parents used to hide my Easter eggs on the railroad track and I couldn’t search for them until the Express to Albany was due, one Christmas my brother told me that the light coming down the railroad track was Rudolf and when he got to where I was, I should give him a big hug, after the old man down at the end of the block died and his wild dogs were inside the house starving, my friends said it would make a great haunted house, and I spent the longest night of my life locked inside because I won the raffle, times were tough growing up, but the tough times made me what I am today, as Paulie looks back, he looks forward to the day when we all can meet together in peace and love, shalom…

Apr 26, 2020 Diary entry: As you know, we here at the Diary have been writing rectum jokes during the world’s slowdown, we have been poring over our extensive quantity of resource materials learning all we can, we have studied rectum humor dating back to the ancients; one of our staff was researching rectum materials from the old gangster era and he has uncovered the dark underbelly of a rectum joke industry that has been omitted from the school books, the kinds of things people don’t talk about, Hollywood is not immune from rebuke either, did you know that the Skipper had Gilligan’s rectum tied off because he was tired of his shit, yeah, rectum humor abuse has been going on since the early years, we have discovered the gritty side of a stinking industry whose flagrant violations of decency and morality have continued to this day, we are eager to shine the light of day onto this dark dark subject but there is much we cannot talk about, as many of the people involved are still alive, we must sit on most of our recently discovered information until we think the world is ready to get off the pot and accept our most gracious words on this subject, until next time, this is researcher Paulie, sending out a well-probed wish of love, shalom…

Apr 26, 2020 Diary entry: Survival, we here at the Diary want to talk about a very serious subject, real survival tips for use in a real survival situation, now there have been scads of survival videos out there telling you how to survive in a wilderness situation, but let’s be real here, most of these survival people are no more than sofa-denting idiots who show you how to make a coffee can stove or show you how to roast a marshmallow without a stick, or how to use your candy bar wrapper for emergency toilet paper; our survival guides are going to teach you how to survive in a survival situation with no more than a pocket knife and a few common items you would find around the house that should be carried with you at all times; if you were in the wilderness, would you know how to cut a tree branch, tie some string to it because you always carry string because it is one of your primary survival tools, then with your little pocket knife you dig a cobbler’s tack from the sole of your hiking boot and bend it into a fish hook, most of you own those pansy Eddie Bauer ballet slipper hiking boots that close with cheap Velcro and they don’t have cobbler’s tacks in them, you would be left with a fishing pole with no fish hook, you can’t snag a carp with Velcro, anyway, you’ve made your survival fishing pole and you’ve caught a fish, a fat trout for the fry pan, now, where do you get the grease to fry your fat trout, there is no bottle of Wesson oil in the woods, do you know how to catch a raccoon or ‘possum, skin it, and remove the fat to make grease for your skillet, you must know how to render ‘possum fat, I don’t think there are but a handful of you out there who have ever rendered ‘possum fat, admit it, there is no shame in admitting you’ve never rendered ‘possum fat, we are all friends here, we are learning together; now the subject of survival medicine comes up in every survival discussion, do you know that the muskrat anal gland makes an effective nasal decongestant, or that beaver testicles, when ground up and put in your ear, helps to ward off ear infections, or that badger urine has wonderful astringent properties when daubed on poison ivy or poison oak, and if you are lucky enough to find fresh coyote droppings you can make a paste out of them and spread them on your face as a soothing balm to use as an emergency acne reliever, these are all tried and true Indian cures that armchair survivalists won’t tell you; if you are interested in more survival medicine tips, send for our book entitled Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary’s Backwoods Medical Survival Guide For The Hardcore Survivalist, $20.00 in paperback, now if some one could only come up with a tip to make bottles of schnapps survive longer than they do, I’d love to hear it; next time we will teach you how to make a minnow trap with that empty bottle for a backwoods sushi dish that will make you think you’re back in Chinatown at that one cute little place that serves delicacies on mother-of-pearl plates, where every fortune cookie has good news, and the Saki never runs out, instead of shivering in a leaky tent with god-knows-what-kind of animal growling outside in the underbrush, well, this is Paulie, saying keep your matches dry and your canteen filled, we’ll see you on the trail, shalom…

Apr 24, 2020 Diary entry: I remember a kid back in the neighborhood, Iolanth Porcine Peterson, his father owned the Peterson hog farm out by the county line, anyway, he started to think he was gay after his family took a trip to Toledo, when he returned home he said he thought he was gay and he changed his name from Peterson to Son of Peter, then he changed his name again to Son of Penis, hang on, a thought just came into my head, does it seem like a massive practical joke that over there in Vatican City, that people line up in the street for miles to get a chance to kiss Peter, you know, that statue of Jupiter they call Peter now, the idea that everyone wants to kiss Peter, or Penis, or Dick, or whatever, I don’t know, it seems like a dirty joke to me to play on stupid people, anyway, after Iolanth returned from Toledo he made us refer to him as Daredevil Dick, we all loved Daredevil, not in that way, we loved him because he embodied the fiery rebel spirit that swept us all up in a firestorm of passionate unbridled rebellion towards the status quo of years of being repressed by the powers that be, Daredevil Dick was the first of our group to take a dump on the front steps of city hall to protest the new dump site they were gonna open in our neighborhood, we fought the new dump site proposal long and hard but we lost the fight, from then on, the neighborhood smelled like the kimchi an old Korean lady down the street cooked in the middle of summer when the humidity was high and no air stirred, and when we gazed out of our bedroom windows at the night sky, we saw a great mountain of the city’s cast off crap, the neighborhood changed that year, the year when our friend Iolanth Peterson thought he was gay…

Apr 25, 2020 Diary entry: Hey everyone, I hope you are enjoying life during this current psychological operation known to some as the Scamdemic, we are presenting installment #2 of our The World Is A Joke, Start Laughing segment, we feel obligated to warn any of you snowflakes out there to turn your heads the other way or turn toward what ever it is that comforts you, we don’t want any of you little snowflakes to melt; with that being said, we shall offer more famous quotes from famous people, if you won’t listen to Paulie about this world, maybe you will listen to those who are more well-known than me, so here we go, this one is from FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, “The individual is handicapped by coming face-to-face with a conspiracy so monstrous he cannot believe it exists.”, that should make you sleep well at night, Henry Ford, “It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.” John Francis Hylan said “The real menace of our republic is the invisible Government which like a giant octopus, sprawls its slimy legs over our cities, states, and nation.”, J. Edgar Hoover, “The American mind has simply not come to the realization of the evil that has been introduced into our midst.”, Israeli General and Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, “Every time we do something, you tell me America will do this or will do that…I want to tell you something very clear: Don’t worry about American pressure on Israel. We, the Jewish people, control America, and the Americans know it.”, Zbigniew Brzezinski, “The Technetronic era involves the gradual appearance of a more CONTROLLED society, such a society would be dominated by ELITE, unrestrained by traditional values.”, huh, kinda like the crap we see taking place right now, Adolf Hitler, “Through clever and constant application of propaganda, people can be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise.”, there’s television for you, Woodrow Wilson again, “(We are) no longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of small groups of dominant men.”, Winston Churchill, “Do not trust any statistics you did not fake yourself.”, I guess that means we can trash the Corona stats, right, Edward Bernays, “If we understand the mechanism and motives of the group mind, it is now possible to control and regiment the masses according to our will without them knowing it.”, well, that gives new meaning to the phrase “Being part of the herd” I guess; we here at Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary hope maybe you can rethink the things you’ve been indoctrinated with, stop thinking with your herd mentality, and start thinking on your own, you were meant to be unique, not some cookie-cut mass produced product of the world’s madmen who have controlled your reality since birth, remember, you are not the real you, you are a fake you living and following along in a fake world, accept that fact and break out of the world’s mold that confines you, you were meant to be free, jump from the nest and fly on your own and let the herd of cattle follow each other to the slaughterhouse, screw ’em, well, as I try to catch my breath, I will use what little air I have left in my lungs, to say love, peace, and shalom, have a good rest of your day, again, shalom…

Apr 24, 2020 Diary entry: There is a certain woman seated upon a throne, she’s flying on her throne, she flies in every direction at once, never leaving the seat of her power, she’s flying on her throne, she roosts at the top of the pyramid but she never rests, she radiates her absolute rule over the earth like the sun covers all it gazes upon, the woman has one eye, but all power under heaven has been given to that all seeing orb until weak men recognize their weakness, and ask their Creator for strength, his strength, not their own, men have no strength of their own, on their own they are no more than dry stubble that the fire hardly recognizes, but with the strength of their Creator, they can grow into mighty oaks that no wind can uproot; look up above, weak men, your Elohym of shamayim resides above Polaris, he stands upon the North Star, he awaits your cry, stop relying on your own false power, His is the real power, the corrupt woman with the one eye will own you until you return to Torah and your Maker breaks the shackles that restrain your heart, mind, body, and soul, you need your redeemer, you haven’t the cash to pay your ransom, seek Yahawah, seek life, begin to live before you die, you are a slave in this world, set your eyes upon the Olam haBa where you can taste freedom and live the free life that was promised to the descendants of father Abraham, look up, return to Torah, receive the Ruach ha Yahawah, receive life as you have never imagined it, ride the wind of the Ruach ha Kodesh, you were born for just this time in history, grab your heritage that was promised to you, receive your precious inheritance now, don’t wait any longer, time is short, shalom…

Apr 24, 2020 Diary entry: Well, as the Scamdemic rages on and people everywhere hunker down behind masks and food supplies, we here at Diary Headquarters are busy writing jokes and funny anecdotes, our returning old young internet adviser has many funny stories to tell about his most recent incarceration in Juvenile Hall, it’s very fortunate he is a juvenile because if he wasn’t, he’d be up the river without the proverbial bond money, he would be paddling a lead canoe with toothpick paddles, his waders would be allowing consternation to leak in from the usual corrupt judge who makes decisions by the horoscope and the size of his bribe contribution, it’s no wonder these ancient judges don’t retire, there is too much easy money to be made within the legal system, hey, I just learned that a dog landed on the moon once, I think it was Buzz Aldrin’s wife’s pug, the story I got was that Buzz left the house and didn’t return for a whole week, and he had to come up with some kind of excuse or he was gonna get reamed out but good, so he told his wife he took her dog to the moon so the dog could do his doody and he wouldn’t have to shovel it up, he was tired of cleaning the patio and lawn because his wife’s dog ate lots of stuff he shouldn’t have, if you know what I mean, well, Buzz Aldrin, being the consummate shit shoveler he is, he came up with a typical Freemasonic bullshit story to tell his wife; if you want to know about shit, Buzz is your man, if you want to know about loose-boweled dogs, his wife is your man, and no, that is not a typo, anyway, on to the news of the day, we like to give you the real news here at Diary Headquarters, we admonish you to stop listening to false puppets on your personal screen, the false puppets you have loved your entire life on the nightly news are no more than bags of crap attached to strings that are manipulated by unseen puppet masters who don’t give a shit for them or you, please people, you have stocked your pantry with enough toilet paper to stock a whole circus full of elephants, use some of it to wipe the deception from your eyes, this whole world is nothing but bullshit, and you are covered in it, clean yourself off, wash up, take that stupid mask off, and quit being distant, if you get any more distant than you have been your entire life, you will fall off your ball earth; Diary Headquarters is a virus-free zone, come join us, we still hug each other, and if someone sneezes, we don’t freak out, we are closer than we have ever been before, the only thing we quarantine around here is stupidity, well, it’s time for our regular Friday night Bingo, Brats, Beer, and Belch Fest, so I will bid the people of the earth, wherever you may find yourself during these deceptive times we live in, shalom…

Apr 24, 2020 Diary entry: Hey, it’s Laugh At Ourselves Day here at Diary Headquarters, join us as we have some fun laughing at our own stupidity and foibles; we aren’t going to take the world so seriously today, you know Paulie’s mantra well by now, “It’s all fake man”, anyway, we have quotes, lots of quotes, so let’s get started, I don’t know who said this one, but here it is, “If you don’t control your mind, someone else will”, here’s one from William Casey, CIA director, “We will know our disinformation campaign is complete when everything the American people know is false.”, U.S. President Richard Nixon said “The American people don’t believe anything until they see it on television first.”, that was a good one Dick, ha ha, here’s one from U.S. President Woodrow Wilson, “Since I entered politics, I have chiefly had men’s views confided to me privately. Some of the biggest men in the United States, in the field of commerce and manufacture, are afraid of somebody, are afraid of something. They know there is a power somewhere so organized, so subtle, so watchful, so interlocked, so complete, so pervasive, that men better not speak above their breath when they speak in condemnation of it.”, whew, that’s not funny, that’s a bit scary, here’s Franklin Roosevelt, “In politics nothing happens by accident, if it happens, you can bet it was planned that way.”, well, so much for being a voter, here’s one from Teddy Roosevelt, “Behind the ostensible government sits an enthroned invisible government owing no allegiance and acknowledging no responsibility to the people.”, well, so much for taking a long lunch to go vote, here’s William Blum, “No matter how paranoid or conspiracy-minded you are, what the government is actually doing is worse than you imagine.”, well, maybe we should vote, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, “None are so hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”, everybody loves David Rockefeller right, here’s one of his memorable quotes, “We are on the verge of global transformation. All we need is the right major crisis.”, geez, maybe I’ll stock up on rice and beans, Mary Elizabeth Croft, “All problems, depressions, wars,disasters, assassinations, all of them were planned, caused, instigated, and implemented by the International Bankers and their attempt to establish a central bank in every country in the world, which they have now done, thanks to corrupt politicians who have been bought and paid for. This is all you need to know about the history of the world.”, why didn’t my history teacher tell me this on the first day of school, I could have taken the year off and gone fishing, Benjamin Disraeli, “The world is governed by very different personages from what is imagined by those who are not behind the scenes.”, can this mean that our president isn’t who we think he is, Matt Taibbi, “Conspiracy theorists of the world, believers in the hidden hands of the Rothschild’s and the Masons and the Illuminati, we skeptics owe you an apology. You were right. The players may be a little different, but your basic premise is correct: The world is a rigged game.”, well, let’s have a drink, sit back, and laugh at ourselves for a while, and not take ourselves so seriously from now on, let’s stop searching for wisdom on the screen of your choice, let’s stop being so serious about our political leanings, we are way too serious about who we are, what we are, we have been sold a bill of goods that we need to dump; so as the rulers of this world laugh at us, let’s laugh at ourselves, we were chumps, we were foolish monkeys and we thought we were being fed bananas, but we were, in fact, sucking on the world’s gristle, it’s time we all spit out that gristle and refuse the corrupt diet we’ve lived on for so many years, as I’ve been repeating so many times, the world is fake man, it’s all fake, so let’s laugh, love, and try a little harder to get along with each other, this is Paulie , calling out a real love from a fake world, shalawam…

Apr 24, 2020 Diary entry: Paulie was in the gas station the other day getting some candy bars, Paulie has been feeling somewhat depressed for some reason and he wanted to put a little Almond Joy back in his life, add a Bit-O-Honey back into a sour existence, Paulie wanted a Fast Break to happiness is a Three Musketeers, anyway, when Paulie balked at paying for his purchase because he was staring at the Bubblegum Eyeballs, the clerk behind the counter said he wanted to reach inside me and unscrew my rectum with the pair of pliers he carries in his back pocket for tinkering under the hood; this has been the first rectum joke of many more to come from Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary, we are about to embark on our Summer Rectum Joke Extravaganza, the whole staff here at Diary Headquarters has been writing massive quantities of rectum jokes during the world’s slowdown, when the world picks back up, so will we, we haven’t been sitting around scratching our you-know-whats, we have been writing rectum jokes that will tickle your ears and massage away your cares, so pull up a seat, lean in, and let our rectum jokes be your rectum jokes, take possession of them, then pass them along, we believe the time is now that rectum jokes will catch on and be on the lips of people’s all over the world, so don’t be left behind, the world is ready, are you?…