Real Survival Tips From The Gang At The Realtime Diary

Apr 26, 2020 Diary entry: Survival, we here at the Diary want to talk about a very serious subject, real survival tips for use in a real survival situation, now there have been scads of survival videos out there telling you how to survive in a wilderness situation, but let’s be real here, most of these survival people are no more than sofa-denting idiots who show you how to make a coffee can stove or show you how to roast a marshmallow without a stick, or how to use your candy bar wrapper for emergency toilet paper; our survival guides are going to teach you how to survive in a survival situation with no more than a pocket knife and a few common items you would find around the house that should be carried with you at all times; if you were in the wilderness, would you know how to cut a tree branch, tie some string to it because you always carry string because it is one of your primary survival tools, then with your little pocket knife you dig a cobbler’s tack from the sole of your hiking boot and bend it into a fish hook, most of you own those pansy Eddie Bauer ballet slipper hiking boots that close with cheap Velcro and they don’t have cobbler’s tacks in them, you would be left with a fishing pole with no fish hook, you can’t snag a carp with Velcro, anyway, you’ve made your survival fishing pole and you’ve caught a fish, a fat trout for the fry pan, now, where do you get the grease to fry your fat trout, there is no bottle of Wesson oil in the woods, do you know how to catch a raccoon or ‘possum, skin it, and remove the fat to make grease for your skillet, you must know how to render ‘possum fat, I don’t think there are but a handful of you out there who have ever rendered ‘possum fat, admit it, there is no shame in admitting you’ve never rendered ‘possum fat, we are all friends here, we are learning together; now the subject of survival medicine comes up in every survival discussion, do you know that the muskrat anal gland makes an effective nasal decongestant, or that beaver testicles, when ground up and put in your ear, helps to ward off ear infections, or that badger urine has wonderful astringent properties when daubed on poison ivy or poison oak, and if you are lucky enough to find fresh coyote droppings you can make a paste out of them and spread them on your face as a soothing balm to use as an emergency acne reliever, these are all tried and true Indian cures that armchair survivalists won’t tell you; if you are interested in more survival medicine tips, send for our book entitled Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary’s Backwoods Medical Survival Guide For The Hardcore Survivalist, $20.00 in paperback, now if some one could only come up with a tip to make bottles of schnapps survive longer than they do, I’d love to hear it; next time we will teach you how to make a minnow trap with that empty bottle for a backwoods sushi dish that will make you think you’re back in Chinatown at that one cute little place that serves delicacies on mother-of-pearl plates, where every fortune cookie has good news, and the Saki never runs out, instead of shivering in a leaky tent with god-knows-what-kind of animal growling outside in the underbrush, well, this is Paulie, saying keep your matches dry and your canteen filled, we’ll see you on the trail, shalom…

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