May 8, 2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, this is Paulie, I’m coming to you from an undisclosed location somewhere in the upper mid-western part of a nation which sits astride that great island in the sea, America, the nation that rides the earth like an angry drunken cowboy rides the bartender because he is way too slow with the drinks, and after a long hard ride, a cowboy’s thirst needs tendin’ to, anyway, is it just me, or does Bill’s wife Melinda Gates look like an aged Dick Tracy wearing a dead skunk wig on her head, she looks like she could strangle Bill with one hand while never setting down her wine glass, her hands are so massive, I think her pinkie finger is too big to pick King Kong’s nose, it would be like trying to fit a hot dog into one of those small button holes in the collar of that shirt your wife makes you wear when her Aunt Clemma visits from out of town, anyway, I stayed in a classy hotel last week when I visited the big city for an engagement I couldn’t get out of, the lobby was gargantuan, the restaurant had anything you could ever ask for, and there was a well-dressed gentleman in the crapper that handed out freshly laundered hand towels for drying your hands after peeing, I know I always get mine wet, anyway, the guy’s name was R. U. Dunn, and he said he had been a bathroom attendant since graduating from the prestigious Academy of Restroom Selective Service and Entropic Sciences, or A.R.S.S.E.S., anyway, when Paulie was a patriotic dashing young man, he proudly wore many medals on his chest which were bestowed upon him, well, they weren’t medals exactly, they were more like buttons, yeah, I was one of those idiots that bought a button making machine that they were advertising in the early eighties, I was gonna sell a button to every man, woman, and child in the nation, I was gonna make a million in the first week, I was going to sell smiley buttons, hello I’m me buttons, bug off buttons, I just finished my first EST therapy and I’m okay, and you’re an asshole buttons, please vote for the whales buttons, anyway, I didn’t make any money, but me and my friends had buttons pinned everywhere you could imagine, anyway, after learning I wasn’t cut out to be a business mogul, I got a job on a farm doing odd jobs the farmer didn’t want to do, it turned out that Old McDonald had a drinking problem and he would ride a cow into town every Friday night to gather hired hands for the big roundup because he was driving a herd of cows eastward to Jack In The Box, and after the big sale, he was gonna pay for the biggest blowout anyone had ever seen this side of the Mississippi River, and he was gonna buy a new dress for every gal in town and every man would be treated to a free haircut, well, I quit that job after the first party turned out to be two Irish potato farmers and a grungy drifter who claimed he was the doppelganger of a rich Norwegian duchess, they vowed that the square dance would never end until one of them was dead, I spent the next six years going from one loser job to another, until I finally got my big break, I met a science fiction writer who paid me for my life story, I sold him everything I had, that is why I had to adopt a new persona and why I am what I am today, I am Paulie 2.0, I am Paulie Redone, Paulie Twice Baked, Paulie Rewired, I am Paulie Risen From The Ashes Like A Great Phoenix Bird, well, night has fallen, my campfire has a warm inviting glow, and my little animal in the skillet is almost ready to flip, this is Paulie out here where life is real, at an undisclosed location in the heart of Paulie World, hoping you all receive second helpings of the good things you desire, shalom…

May 8, 2020 Diary entry: As Paulie takes an extended and much-needed sabbatical in an undisclosed location in the country, he leaves the Diary in the capable hands of his most trusted staff who will have the full authority to write under the banner of Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary; as Paulie flees from the harsh and dangerous city, a new feature will be presented for those who think the Diary has been too soft and not hard-hitting enough, our Mooslim and Hindustani writers will be presenting Paulie’s Diary After Dark for those of you who are disappointed by our regular writers who have been holding back so as not to spook our more fragile readers; Paulie’s Diary After Dark will be for the reader who has cold steel in his gut, fire in his belly, and a take-no-prisoners attitude; our crack writers will be discussing such subjects as the elite who rule over us and their habits and fetishes, including such activities as dogphelia and why they are enamored with eating the gross parts of their sacrifices before the regular meat, our Mooslim and Hindustani staff have no qualms about joking hard about local and national leaders of this great island in the sea, America, they know America means Land of the Flying Serpents, and they will not be charming towards the reptilian blood lines at all, they are the brave soldiers on the front lines of truth, and they all have joke shovels to swing in the weeds and brush piles where the snakes hide, they will joke the serpents out in the open where the world populace can see them and laugh, so as Paulie sits on a stump by the river and ties his most special worm in the can onto the hook (Paulie is humane even to worms), he shouts real loud to the people of the city, “Wake up you dumbasses!”, and “Take off those stupid masks”, “They make you look silly”, shalom…

May 8, 2020 Diary entry: Is it just me, or is there something going on here that isn’t exactly clear, does anyone else have the feeling we’re being screwed with, you know, like when your older brother said the cops caught the guy they suspected of strangling little boys around town and the news said he just escaped custody in a daytime jail break and he had vowed to return to the neighborhood and eliminate any witnesses, primarily one little kid who wets the bed after the scary midnight movies his brother forced him to watch when the parents were at their regular Friday night parcheesi game with the Finches; yeah, I got that same feeling today these many years later, I feel like I was forced to watch some scary movie by a big kid, and now I have this feeling I gotta pee, deja vu maybe, or maybe not; I’m going to say this once, and only once, “Holy cow”, anyway, Aunt Marcheezah came by for a visit, I always liked Aunt Marcheezah because she has a face that looks like a 1950’s rubber bum Halloween mask that was damaged in production and Woolworth’s tossed it in their discount bin and it only cost ten cents which is exactly how much money you had in your pocket, and this Halloween was gonna be the greatest one since the original Halloween back in 1955, when you had collected so much candy that your paper grocery bag got a hole in the bottom and you left a trail of sour grapes all the way home and your brother said that is how the escaped murderer tracked you and now knows where you live, but your brother said he would protect your soul at all cost, he said that after the maniac strangled me, he would step up and make sure the guy didn’t eat my soul like a dog eats a table scrap, I don’t know what I would have ever done without Big Brother to watch over me and offer his much needed protection during uncertain times, anyway, the world seems so similar to those old Fall days when the moon wore a scowl, the breeze whispered soft threats of doom, and the nights had a creepy chill to them, and there was a murderer out there somewhere who knew where I lived, well, this is Paulie, eating his brandied peaches, not brandied peaches exactly, I’m drinking brandy and eating a can of peaches, anyway, as Paulie masks his fear and thinks about changing his address, he hopes you enjoy the season the best you can, shalom…

Apr 26, 2020 Diary entry: I was watching an old TV Western last night where all the cowboys were wearing masks over their faces, they all wore those bandanna things, as the show progressed I learned they all were using masks because of some mysterious virus, yeah, all the cattle had come down with an unknown disease that made them flatulent and they were stinking up the range something fierce, it was a matter of survival, masks and bandannas were sold out down at the mercantile, they put in an emergency order to the nearby town of Irishman’s Bluff, but when the stage came in, they said there had been a run and the stuff was on back order, they wouldn’t get a new shipment in until May the 5th, well, by this time the whole thing stunk to high heaven, they had been self quarantined for three months and they were all getting antsy to get back out there and rustle grub and get drunk in the saloons with their friends like they used to do, as the flatulent cattle numbers increased, so did anxiety over whether this whole thing would ever end, this television show reminded me of today because this present psy op stinks to high heaven too…

May 6, 2020 Diary entry: Okay, this is it, Paulie will never wear a mask, Paulie never wore a mask during the Fart Wars of 1966, and he will certainly not wear a mask today; it was back when farting was all the rage, everyone was farting, entire classrooms felt the heat of war, the innocent suffered along with the perpetrators, the 1966 Fart Wars were fought with daring conviction, everyone was on the front lines of a most egregious conflict, staccato volleys of farts rung out through the hallowed hallways that year, we were all just starting high school and we were anxious to make our mark, sharpshooters, machine gunners, mortar men, rocket launchers, every type of fart imaginable was being fired on whoever got in the way, then, a forced cease fire took place, teachers would no longer let the fight rage on, they stepped in and put their collective heavy boot down on the throats of brave fighters, the war seemed to be calming down, but only the tactics changed, we had entered into what became known as the Silent Wars, we had embarked on a new type of warfare, the Quiet War was born, a quiet war for a quiet victory, the heroes went underground, sniping became commonplace, there seemed to be a sniper hiding behind every bush, guerrilla warfare had become the new norm, enemies were confronted unexpectedly, the fighting became quieter but deadlier, the phrase “You never see the fart with your name on it coming” entered the zeitgeist of the day, anyway, the point has been made, you young people of today don’t know what it’s like, kids in my day grew up eating heavy foods like knockwursts, cabbages, egg salads, bean stews, heavy foods that hung to your ribs like convicted felons hung from the gallows, and their farts hung like death in the already stale air of the classroom, you kids today with your light diets and fancy teas, your bouquet’d waters and your ever-so-slightly sweetened minty health drinks you sip like a dainty butterfly ever-so-gently sips nectar from a day lily, your farts have no smell, your farts are nothing but low-calorie pale ghosts of what a real live living fart is, your farts are dead, mere wisps of nothingness, you wouldn’t have lasted one day on the battlefield of the 1966 Fart Wars when many men fell to defeat because they missed lunch; as I wistfully look back in time, I can’t believe how much the world has changed, well, I hear a rumbling coming from the vicinity of the ammo dump, I’m gonna go take another one of my stomach pills, this is Paulie, blowing you all warm wishes, shalom…

May 4,2020 Diary entry: Hey everybody, it’s Paulie again, I’m coming to you from that great island in the sea, America, Paulie is still seeking his lost ones but he fears he cannot find them, you lost ones that Paulie seeks can only find yourselves, no one can find you for you, Paulie has tried, he has tried to pull you out of the lost continent you inhabit, but you refuse to board the ship in the harbor that can return you home to the place you belong, Paulie desires to bring you back into the glorious land that was promised to you thousands of years ago, most of you are descended from the ancient Israelites who are about to be regathered to inhabit the beautiful land, you don’t know who you are, Paulie wants to tell you that you were meant to know and to follow the truth of the Torah, and claim your promised inheritance, don’t throw away what has been promised you, you were not meant to be Christians, you were meant to be the children of Yahsharal, the children of our Creator, to worship him only, and no other, ditch that man-god idol that was made up by the Roman’s to enslave you all in idolatry; but alas, you prefer the dark continent of confusion and fakeness that you cling to like a child clings to nursery rhymes and his mother’s skirt, I have tried to take you by the hand and lead you back home but you won’t have it, so what is Paulie to do, the ship is about to leave port and Paulie will certainly be on it, the voyage will be sweet, but sad, as I will always remember you with fondness mixed with anger, anger over your stubborness to let go of your wild imaginations which can’t give up the fairy tales you’ve loved since you could first walk, the world has told you wonderful tales of things that don’t exist, yet you want to believe they are true, and I fear you will never grow up and let them go, you are all Peter Pans who don’t want to ever grow up, you think you can open up your bedroom window and fly, well, you can’t, you must learn to stop crawling first, you will never get up off your knees, you don’t want to learn how to walk, you will never taste the true fruit of this world because you won’t remove that rubber baby sucker thing from your mouth because it is the only thing that comforts you, you are all doomed to die in the nest, never to experience flight like you were meant to, anyway, there’s an animal making a lot of noise outside in the tin can pile, I’ll give him a few minutes to quiet down before I go out and yell at him, well, as I make another cup of tea, not tea actually, it’s more like green Kool Aid with gin in it, oh, and crumpets, well, not crumpets actually, more like leftover toast from this morning, anyway, as I pour out a tall green tea and light one up, I bid my people love and shalom…

May 4, 2020 Diary entry: Panda Express, early afternoon; slippery noodles, squid, and Saki, lots of Saki, the entire morning spent in the office going over transcripts, witness statements, and evidence files; day number 732 of my Murder At The Panda Express inquiry into murder, foul murder in which I still have no fresh clues into the whereabouts of the One-Earred Man, the Man With The Jade Ear who is a distant cousin of Mr. Kim, Kim is the most feared and powerful man in Shing Dong Prefecture, I knew Kim, I worked for Kim, I took his dirty money, Kim had killed a man and everyone knew it, but no one ever spoke of it in anything but a whisper, there was only one man in the world that Kim feared, and that was his distant cousin, the man I have been tracking for so long, the Man With The Jade Ear; my long inquiry into murder has been met with no answers, no substantial clues; as I finished the last of my Saki, a tall pretty dark haired Oriental waitress took my money and my thanks, she looked like what men have described as “The Pearl of the Orient”, her smile exuded a light that blinded my eyes and made me feel like I had touched a blazing furnace of something that would consume me if I didn’t look away, anyway, I had work to do, so I headed back to the office to pick up some vital information that had come in while I had been dining; an anonymous visitor had slipped a faded black and white photo under my door that seemed to show a man’s image that was eerily similar to the description I had been given of the One Earred Man I had been searching for these many days, weeks, months, and years; I put the photo on my desk as I fumbled for a bottle of scotch that was filed under C for Confusion in the security cabinet by the wall safe, I poured out a tall mind clearer into a dirty styrofoam cup and leaned back to ponder my options, I lit up a smoke and sipped my scotch, I don’t know if it was the haze of the scotch or the haze of the smoke, but the office clouded over and I began to see images in the thick smoke that reminded me of days past, days spent long ago lying in the sweet-smelling springtime grass while a beautiful young girl picked dandelions and put them in my hair, the world was a pure place full of great expectations that have since faded into a dark gray world not dissimilar to the smoke that engulfed me on this day, I re lit my smoke and poured out another memory, this one occurred during the early fall of ’59, the air had a crispness to it that made you feel like a fresh-picked apple, the first of the year, the one apple you had waited on for a full year, to bite into with the anticipation of a thousand tigers who anticipate tearing into the flesh of a dead wildebeast carcass, and you gave that sweet and tart apple to the prettiest girl in the neighborhood who said she would never forget you even if they removed her brain, she told you she would die loving you, the world was a glorious place and you seemed to own it all, you owned every apple on the tree, then life just went sour somehow, and you wound up in the middle of a murder investigation that is eating you up, few clues, few leads, and few alleyways that don’t turn out to be blind dead ends, well, as the heartbeat of a flashing neon sign outside pulses through the slats of the blinds, and my darkened office takes on the half-dead cold soul of a city without life, this is murder investigator Paulie, hoping you find all the answers you seek, shalom…

May 3, 2020 Diary entry: Oh god, I was changing channels and I caught a glimpse of Washington Week, I heard Big Joe say he didn’t have sex with that dog, it’s the same old tired script written for Bill; when Bill looked into the camera with his repentant puppy face and said he had never had sex with Lassie, the world believed him, these people all lie, they lie with dogs, and they catch fleas, that is why when they speak, they move their hands and arms about like they are giving semaphore signals to an approaching airplane, these flea-bitten antsy freaks can’t sit still any better than the flea-ridden dog they just finished kissing, now people have been accusing Paulie of trying to influence elections, but Paulie knows there are no elections, the elections only exist within the minds of the ignorant, elections don’t exist in the real world, but the real world is foreign to you, you prefer Fairy Land where you can elect the dog lover of your choice who only pats the dogs on their heads, who never pull a dog’s ears, most of you don’t know what it means to pull a dog’s ears, and Paulie will most certainly not explain it to you, you are simply not worth the time, Paulie has a life he needs to live, he hasn’t much time left, he is done speaking to dumb fence posts who can’t hear his words, Paulie is packing up his tent and his cooler and he is saying good bye to you all, you are on your own, Paulie is closing up shop and going fishing, he may never return, shalom…

May 3, 2020 Diary entry: Now I don’t want to offend anyone, but I can’t get used to all these imbeciles wearing masks, every time I turn around I think it’s a stagecoach robbery and I reach for my wallet, boy, Halloween came early this year and every one of the stupid kids is on the street celebrating, I always knew the earth produced people with rocks in their heads, but come on, are people buying this fake go around; when the real 5G frequencies hit this fall, will they then think the millions of dead are fake, will they think that is fake like they think this is real, anyway, it seems the human body produces viruses to remove harmful things like dead cells, dead bacteria, things that cause illness and the like, an ill person has viruses because the body produced them to defend itself, viruses don’t cause illness, they are a result of illness, it’s the same with white blood cells, white blood cells are present with every infection, but white blood cells do not cause infection, they are the result of the body’s defense mechanism against infection, so with this in mind, why would you allow people to give you vaccinations to protect you against a good thing your body produces for specific reasons, why are you allowing people you only know from television to push vaccines on you, why is it so important to them that they give you a shot, why do you accept them when you haven’t a clue as to what they are, or what’s in them, you only know what the vax pushers tell you, and you take it as gospel, you people are all so government-educated by your rulers who have you so confused and in the dark you can’t see beyond the bowl of Frito’s and the rim of your beer can, you people are about two things, Trust Trust Trust, and Love Love Love, you are afraid if you don’t love every scumbag on earth, you will fall off the ball, god, how pathetic you are, you have no spine, you cannot walk upright because you are pudding people, you are as soft as a springtime mud hole, I admonish you, listen to Paulie’s words, study them, dry up that pudding-soft soul of yours, come out of the fetid slime of your gooey existence, dry off with Paulie’s large beach towel, come to our door, we will welcome you with little candy treats, but you’ll have to remove that idiotic mask first, this is Paulie, all stocked up with Halloween candy for the retarded kiddies of the world, shalom…

May 3, 2020 Diary entry: There is one question that we are still continually receiving from readers, “Paulie, why are you such an butthole”, that is a question that has no easy answer, it would take up too much time to go into here, we will put together a detailed synopsis and publish it at a later date, as there is much to discuss about the state of the world, Paulie’s personality will have to simmer on the back burner for awhile, we have vital information to pass on to the inhabitants of the world on this date in history, but first, this idea that a dumbass today will still be a dumbass tomorrow is preposterous, a dumbass can change, I believe that, I have to, anyway, the state of the world’s collective mind has been discussed by leading authorities recently but they didn’t touch on several points that we will touch on today concerning the one-world brain; now, how to describe the one world brain, let’s see, your brain is as bright as the busted headlamp in the old car that has been sitting in your front yard ever since you bought the house, if your doctor read your EEG, he would declare you legally brain dead, your brain stem has dry rot, your IQ stands for Idiot Quotient, you must have bought your brain from a going-out-of-business sale at the scratched and dented place, the last real thought you had gave you a migraine, if your brain waves were fudge ripple, your ice cream would be plain vanilla, you never need to worry about skull erosion because it’s a stale lagoon inside there, if your brain waves were a tsunami, people would still be sitting in their inflatable chairs on the beach, if your brain waves were peristalsis, your colon would be impacted, please people, open your eyes, if you see the inside of a rectum, you know you are the proverbial ostrich with his head in a hole, when you got in line for brain handouts, you must have been in the government surplus cheese line instead, your brain has government stamped all over it, that’s why you vote and declare all your tip money on your income tax, that’s why you believe your president is actually Jesus in the flesh, that’s why you believe your government loves you like a new-born son and you need Big Brother to care for you like he really gives a crap, anyway, we will get to the real problems you people have at a later date, there is a movie coming on TV that I want to critique and my frozen margarita should almost be thawed out enough to drink, so I will leave you all with this parting thought, if you don’t understand this world we live in, don’t worry, I don’t think anyone does, this is Paulie, your patient and loving mind critiquer, saying shalom…