When War Goes Silent

May 6, 2020 Diary entry: Okay, this is it, Paulie will never wear a mask, Paulie never wore a mask during the Fart Wars of 1966, and he will certainly not wear a mask today; it was back when farting was all the rage, everyone was farting, entire classrooms felt the heat of war, the innocent suffered along with the perpetrators, the 1966 Fart Wars were fought with daring conviction, everyone was on the front lines of a most egregious conflict, staccato volleys of farts rung out through the hallowed hallways that year, we were all just starting high school and we were anxious to make our mark, sharpshooters, machine gunners, mortar men, rocket launchers, every type of fart imaginable was being fired on whoever got in the way, then, a forced cease fire took place, teachers would no longer let the fight rage on, they stepped in and put their collective heavy boot down on the throats of brave fighters, the war seemed to be calming down, but only the tactics changed, we had entered into what became known as the Silent Wars, we had embarked on a new type of warfare, the Quiet War was born, a quiet war for a quiet victory, the heroes went underground, sniping became commonplace, there seemed to be a sniper hiding behind every bush, guerrilla warfare had become the new norm, enemies were confronted unexpectedly, the fighting became quieter but deadlier, the phrase “You never see the fart with your name on it coming” entered the zeitgeist of the day, anyway, the point has been made, you young people of today don’t know what it’s like, kids in my day grew up eating heavy foods like knockwursts, cabbages, egg salads, bean stews, heavy foods that hung to your ribs like convicted felons hung from the gallows, and their farts hung like death in the already stale air of the classroom, you kids today with your light diets and fancy teas, your bouquet’d waters and your ever-so-slightly sweetened minty health drinks you sip like a dainty butterfly ever-so-gently sips nectar from a day lily, your farts have no smell, your farts are nothing but low-calorie pale ghosts of what a real live living fart is, your farts are dead, mere wisps of nothingness, you wouldn’t have lasted one day on the battlefield of the 1966 Fart Wars when many men fell to defeat because they missed lunch; as I wistfully look back in time, I can’t believe how much the world has changed, well, I hear a rumbling coming from the vicinity of the ammo dump, I’m gonna go take another one of my stomach pills, this is Paulie, blowing you all warm wishes, shalom…


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