Diary entry: Hey everybody, Paulie here with words he remembers from his dear Grandmother, “Don’t shrink your responsibilities”, I heard it often, if you shrink your responsibilities, deflation of your credibility can result, and credibility, once deflated, can be difficult to reacquire, a shrunken credibility score can make it difficult to get a loan; there was one other phrase I heard often as a young child but I don’t remember it, it was something about scrimp, maybe it was “Don’t eat a bad scrimp”, I’m not sure what a “scrimp” is, it may be a baby scampi, but the thing is, if we listen closely to the words of our elders today, we will be better off tomorrow, this in no way implies that you should listen to “elder” Paulie, as he tends to wander from the path of good sense and reason during happy hour, well, Joe the bartender says its time for me to go, so please allow me to say that I never scrimp on my love for those whom I love, I continue to send you my deepest wishes for peace, prosperity in all things, and shalom, to the rest of you, I send you the usual wish, go to hell…

Diary entry: Stop playing the game of “Levels” people, the “Levels Game” is not your game, you are on the bottom and you are not going anywhere, except in your mind, you are the dregs of the world’s wine barrel, if you don’t accept who you are, you may be poured down the winery’s floor drain, take it from Paulie, he has seen the other side, the side your feet will never touch, your wish is to be the sparkly bubbly foam at the top of the Champagne glass but you will never be more than back flushed corn chip residue at the bottom of a warm beer stein, accept what you are, live your slave life, you are not the captain of the ship, your place is in the dark hold below, your master will not accept your advice on how to steer his ship, quit acting like your farts are a perfumed gift to the world, you ain’t shit, this has been a heads up warning from Paulie, Paulie says to his loved ones, stay on the path if you are on it, if you have stumbled off into the brush, get back up and return to the path you know and love and need, love and shalom to those who continually stumble, you are my brothers and sisters, again, Paulie says love and shalom…

Diary entry: There’s this old TV Western called “Branded”, it’s about a young cavalry officer who gets branded and drummed out of the army for trading with the Indians, he wasn’t trading firewater or blankets or anything, he was trading kisses with a pretty Indian maiden, he was accused and found guilty of kissing her down by the outlet of the Muddy River at Muddy Gulch in the pass country, but that wasn’t really the case, he was not guilty of the charges that got him branded, he was only half guilty, he had been kissing the Indian maiden more up towards the mountain country, close to where the Twin Peaks rise out of the northern plateau region, Paulie feels sorry for the branded guy because young Paulie got branded and drummed out of his cub scout pack by our den mother Mrs. Fleck because there were boogers on her tablecloth where Paulie had been seated, young Paulie was innocent of the charges but branded and drummed out anyway, well, the military didn’t tolerate any hanky panky between their soldiers and the Indians, so the branded guy was left to wander aimlessly, always looking over his shoulder because his ex buddies wanted blood, now what happened to the pretty Indian maiden you may ask, well, the Indians didn’t take too kindly to the idea of one of their squaws cavorting with the enemy, so they branded her for kissing the soldier down by Muddy River Gulch near the Windy Hollow region, but she was only half guilty also, she was, in fact, kissing the soldier more up towards Big Timber, past the two large stones at Lookout Point, but anyway, the young Indian maiden was branded and tom tom’ed out of her tribe, she was left to wander the West just as the soldier was, two young people discarded by their respective nations, their only crime was to try to come together as something other than enemies, they tried and they failed, and the consequences were everlasting, just like young Paulie and his cute little Russian girl from days long past, our only desire was to thaw a very cold world for one moment in time, cold passion between cold enemies does not work, little Paulie, young and innocent , was doomed to wander the West, and I suspect Paulie’s little Russian girl was doomed to wander the East, it’s funny how our lives today so closely resemble the lives of people who lived long ago; I guess the world doesn’t change the way we’ve been taught it does; yesterday, two lost souls wandering the West, not knowing the fate of the other, and today, two lost souls, one in the West, one in the East, not knowing the other’s fate, maybe people have been loving the wrong people since time began, I don’t know, but Paulie empathizes with lost souls everywhere, Paulie suspects there may be many lost souls out there wandering this earth from east to west, my heart goes out to you all, I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it, shalom my little lost soul comrades, shalom…

Diary entry: Paulie has been researching the history and evolution of comedy through the millennia, my comedy research has taken me clear back to the ancient druids, now the ancient druid priests weren’t very funny, they were the ones who used to drag dead bodies through the streets, knocking on doors to ask people to donate to their retirement fund or some such thing, and if they didn’t donate, a priest would spread blood from their dead guy onto the person’s door and someone in the house was supposed to die, anyway, you don’t drag a dead guy through the streets all night without a laugh or two, and sometimes one of the druid priests would take a lung or a liver from their dead body and drop it down a guy’s pants, this was the early raw stages of comedy, it would take many years for comedy to begin to develop, comedy made slow but steady progress up through the time of the Persian Empire when the parlor game was developed, then everything was about partying in the parlor of the citadel playing such recently developed games as Spin the Goatskin, My Favorite Chakra, Odd Eunuch Out, I Spy With My One Little Eye (Because I Was Flogged And Lost My Other One), Hypnotize the Slave Girl, comedy was really on a roll like Alexander crossing the desert, unfortunately, Alexander was rolling across the desert with his armies, and the Hellenization of Persia and the world began, Alexander and the Greeks put an end to comedy in favor of philosophy and sports, the Greeks weren’t funny at all, but somewhere around 150 BCE things began to change, prop comedy came into being, things like fake rubber gladiator vomit, rubber camel poop, people began to laugh in new ways, bazaars began to spring up along the camel caravan routes, selling comedy props such as joy buzzers, two headed denarius coins, plastic ice cubes with the fly inside, fake rubber desert cobras and sand snakes, the amazing vanishing head trick (giant iron axe not included), some historians argue over whether the practical joke made it’s entrance to the comedy world at this time, but I maintain that the practical joke arrived right after prop comedy, almost as an adjunct, and they ran concurrently from then on, as we enter into the Roman era, the practical joke was all the craze and props were an essential part, we see such things as the toga with the back cut out of it, many rubber food items such as rubber quail eggs, rubber stag legs, turkey legs, and rubber goat cheese, also the dribble wine chalice; the rubber whoopie cushion didn’t catch on at this time as it seemed redundant, this brings us up to the time of the first Christmas when the “pie in the face” gag was first performed, a baby was born just outside of Seattle, a miraculous birth of which news spread quickly, three Stooges from the East heard about the babe’s birth and they followed Starbucks all the way to Seattle, bringing gifts for the newborn baby, each Stooge brought the babe a shepherd’s pie, when they arrived at the little lean to where the babe was, Joseph the father was drunk from drinking holiday eggnog all day and he continually boasted about how great his son was, he wouldn’t shut up about it and he was really annoying, that is when the three Stooges from the East hit Joseph in the face with their shepherd’s pies, and on this, the very first Christmas, the “pie in the face” gag was born, there was no room at the inn during this time because Starbucks was running a special promotion, a free bagel with every two lattes purchased, and you know how people love their bagels, anyway, the whole vicinity was jam packed like a Johnnie Appleseed festival except instead of apples it was coffee and donuts; the history and evolution of comedy through the millennia is truly an adventure worth taking, rich history comes alive better when you can laugh about it, we will continue our comedy journey through time in a future “Diary” entry, the Roman Catholic Church and it’s Dark Ages are coming up, we’ll see if there is anything funny about that, well, this is Paulie, out on the trail through time, saying shalom all…

Diary entry: Muffled murmurings emanate from the dark forest of my mind, when I turn to look, there are faces in the trees, dark faces of even darker memories, long ago buried and reburied things of the past, Paulie has used many types of shovels to bury hideous monsters, but the soil is soft and they keep finding their ways back to the surface to again moan on such nights as these; when I find myself in the forest on moonlit nights, the shadowy figures of past deeds and exploits stir fitfully, moaning about the need to rehash things of the past, like your wife continually wanting to dredge up your behavior at her last month’s ladies get together, and how you’re not really the “king of the castle”, long forgotten nightmares are like that old trunk in the attic that is full of creepy things, you may have forgotten about it for now but it is still there, waiting on you to come up looking for the picnic basket and that is when it comes out of it’s place to settle inside your mind once again, the dangers in the forest are the unseen things, long forgotten things, things that don’t exist anymore until they reach out of the darkness and grab hold of you just as they did that first time so long ago, it’s like time travel ping pong, a continual back and forth between today’s child-like dream and yesterday’s nightmare, anyhoo, where was I, I had something on my mind I wanted to say, oh yeah, the cost of living, the guy at the liquor store said “That’ll be 136.50”, is that insane or what, I remember when the liquor store guy would give us stuff for free if we would stop hanging around in front of his store, times have sure changed my friend, good times seem to blow away like the dead leaves while the bad days seem to root themselves deep and they only want to suck away your life moisture, well, this is “dried up” Paulie, out here somewhere, shouting out to those he loves, shalom my people, love and shalom…

Diary entry: Now Paulie is a humble man, he doesn’t have much, but what he does have, he appreciates, quite unlike the mice around here, not a crumb falls from Paulie’s table these days but Paulie is not dissuaded, anyway, a mouse crawled on his belly over to where Paulie was seated, he looked up, opened his mouth, and I swear, he said “Fuck you”… Speaking of mice, the other day one of my mice was standing out by the curb in front of my house holding a cardboard sign that read “Will work for food”, oh god my life’s fucked up, how did I ever get to such a state, I came to Indiana to realize a crazy dream of happiness and fulfillment, they said if I could make it in Indiana, I could make it anywhere, well, I didn’t make it here, and I guess there’s no sense in moving on either…

Diary entry: Hey, Paulie here again, with a brief word, if you are in the world’s race, speeding around that oval track chasing some grand prize illusion, take heed you don’t get dizzy, too many laps around the track can skew any good sense you might have had, also, there is such a thing as inertia, inertia is a grabbing force that can keep you within the orbit you’ve chosen, don’t choose your path too determinedly, as you may choose something bad you can’t get out of, your magnetic field can be sucked into an electrical circuit that has faults, and if your grand power short circuits, breakers will trip, fuses will blow, smoke and fire will surely be the result, this is Paulie’s little warning to you fast drivers out there, the track is about to become slippery from rain, debris, and leaked oil, pull into the pits while you still can, the race is about to end in a thing you don’t want to be part of, well, this is Paulie, out here in the garage, changing the oil and filter, out of the world’s circular circus for good, saying to all his loved ones who have traded in their fast racing cars for sleek sedans with a raccoon tail on the antenna, slow tunes on the radio, and grain silos and barns dancing by the rear view mirror like Gene Kelly did in the old movies, shalom my people, you are the slow determined ones who will one day bask in the winner’s circle, to you who are determined to tear up the track, Paulie says “Full speed ahead”, “Keep your foot on the gas pedal if you can remove it from your ass”, oh, and one more thing, go to hell…

Diary entry: Paulie had been on the road all night, heading back to the city after a long weekend in the country with the family, as I sipped cold gas station coffee, I could see through tired eyes the signpost up ahead that read “Dumb Ass Town-Three More Miles”, we were almost home at last, our turnoff, “Dip Shit Drive” would be coming up on the right, then a quick jog and we’d be near the old homestead on “Lame Ass Lane”, where the dogs can pee, Goober can throw up his mustard sardines he ate en route, and I can check the mail and unwind a pent up weekend spent in a leaky tent scratching a strange-looking rash and letting my dog Smudge out every twenty minutes to crap because he ate a skunk or something that disagreed with his usually iron clad bowels, anyway, it’s always good to be back home, no matter where home is, well, this is Paulie, home where he belongs and where he loves it, saying shalom…

Diary entry: I gotta tell you, Paulie feels like one of those idiotic CPR dummies after a long life saving class in which beer and wine was served to a bunch of loose lipped morons who all think their drool has magical healing properties, because my dog Smudge wakes me up every morning like he’s a demented fireman trying to resuscitate his favorite movie star and he’s not taking “no” for an answer, Smudge knows how to open the toilet lid when he wants water, I have awakened thinking the roof was leaking, the basement was flooded, or that the pretty lady across the table threw her drink in my face, and when I open my eyes, there is Smudge again, wanting to go outside, all he ever does is crap by the stoop and spend the day scouring the woods to find dead animals to bring home, the dog psychiatrist says bringing home a dead animal for me is a sign of affection and it is how Smudge expresses his love for me, can you believe it, my dog Smudge has a freakin’ “dog psychiatrist”, the goofy bastard talks like my animal is human and I should respect him as such, I don’t care if Smudge is a stupid animal or goddamned Albert Einstein, when he craps on my pillow he’s out the door; rain, cold, or sleet, Albert Einstein can sleep under the porch…

Diary entry: I used to love wearing those Hawaiian shirts and colorful shirt prints of every kind, but I stopped wearing them, I got really tired of my wife saying “Your loud shirt is screaming dumb ass”, then I began wearing solid and subdued colors, and my wife would just say “You’re a dumb ass”, so I went and had a tee shirt printed that said “Dumb ass” on it and my wife said “That’s redundant dumb ass”, I guess I’ve never had much fashion sense…