Apr 2, 2021 Diary entry: It’s springtime here in the Midwest, and that means it’s time for love and music. Our annual Stars Over The Barnyard spring music festival is coming up soon, people will be flooding into this end of the county to see and hear the likes of Barry Patch and His Quiltwork Field Hands do their famous “Well Diggers Don’t Know (How Deep My Love Is For You”, “I’ll String The Fencin’, You String The Beans”, and their rousing rendition of “Floozie In The Henhouse”, “Please Don’t Mash My Potato Love”, “Why Must You String My Bean Along”, “Truck Patch Lover”, and “Corn Fed Woman”. Bonie Splinters and His Ham Strung Boys were selected as the best county music artists of 2020, and some of their hits include “Well Water Woman (Slake My Thirst)”, “The Cows Ain’t Comin’ Home No More”, “My Love Basket’s Got A Hole (And I Can’t Hold You)”, “Snagged Up On Your Barbwire Heart”, “Dog Paw Love”, and “Chicken Coop Lady”. Tiny Timmie Tightman and His Loose Bib Boys will have everyone tappin’ their overshoes to the beat of “Oh Weevil Weevil, She So Evil”, “Watermelon Tears On My Pillow”, “Our Love Turned Cold At The Ice Cream Social”, “Hog Belly Blues”, “Side Meat Serenade”, and “Put Your Hoe Down Sally (I Got Something To Tell You)”. Sweet Pinkie and His Crimson Tuba Trio always knock the barn door down with “Cold Feet And Galoshes”, “Your Muddy Boots Tell The Story”, “Baby Don’t Rotate Your Crop Of Love”, “My Soybean Future Market Is With You”. “Makin’ Crop Circles In The Wheat Tonight”, “I Stubbed My Toe On The Bedstead Of Your Love”, and “Farmin’ Your Love ‘Til Harvest Time”. Rockie Ground and His Post Hole Digger Band are known for their “Gonna Dig You Clear To China Tonight”, “Lovin’ You Is Harder Than Skinnin’ A Catfish”, “Clangin’ The Milk Buckets With You”, “I Fell Into The Manure Lagoon Of Your Heart (Love Stinks)”, “Farm Dogs Don’t Know”, “Let’s Two Step One More Time”, and “My Love Is A Cliff (Lover Don’t Leap)”. M.T. Pokkets and His Loose Change Combo always thrill the crowd with “A Nickel For Love”, “Half Dollar Woman”, “Your Love Platter Is All Gizzards And Gristles”, “Sow Belly Sweetheart”, “Baby Has A Redneck Tan”, “Pickle Brine Moon Cryin’ On Me Again”, “Why Does Your Love Syrup Run From Me”, “Empty Milk Cans And Pie Pans Only Remind Me Of You”, and “You Got Me Waggin’ My Tail Again”. Well that’s the music scene as it stands in this end of the county, I hope you all have a musically wonderful day…

Mar 21, 2021 I think I am going to adopt reincarnation as my new religious ideology of choice, it would fit me well, I could come alive, mess up my entire life, go dead for a hundred years, come back alive, mess up my life, go dead, on and on. Who knows, after a couple billion tries I might finally get all the bugs worked out, probably not though, after coming alive two billion times people would probably start saying “Oh god no, it’s him again”, and I would end up right back where I am today with people saying “Oh god no, it’s him again” when I show up at parties, Free Squid Night down at Joe’s, the barber shop, or the hamburger window. I would at least like the opportunity to try life over a billion or so times, I really would enjoy all the childhoods, I would never tire of that, oh how I used to love it when pretty ladies pinched my cheek or patted me on the head and gave me a stick of gum and said that I was such a cute and sweet little boy that they could just eat me up, it has been so long since a pretty lady told me she could just eat me up, the first part of life is the best, that’s when you are too stupid to mess your life up yet, all is wonderous and new, you are like the brand new car you get and you want it to never have a scratch on it, but you know that as time goes by you are gonna get a scratch or two, then some parking lot dings, then great big dents, then your entire life will be a shambles and your life ends up being a 1997 pickup truck with no fenders and a half a steering wheel, and you can’t park on a hill because the clutch is gone and you have no parking brake. Oh how I wish I could be that brand new little boy again, when the whole world loved me because I hadn’t yet become what I was to become, One shot at life isn’t fair for a person like me, I need billions of chances to possibly get it right, well, whattaya gonna do, once the cards are cut, they’re cut, once the horse is out of the barn, it’s out of the barn, once your life gets away from you, it’s away, this is Paulie, wishing that all your reincarnations are good ones, peace and love…

Mar 21, 2021 The moon looked like a bullet hole in the sky, a great whooshing sound indicated that the vacuum of space was leaking out, taking all the distant worlds and galaxies along with it, what did it matter, this world has been one great cosmic joke in which I was the punchline, I had set my sights high, I was going to be the greatest humor writer that the world had ever seen, then it all went wrong somehow, the world changed and no one wanted to laugh anymore, I had hoisted my little joke flag high so the world could salute it but it got shotgunned to tatters by a new paradigm, my great wide joke bird was shot down to earth by greasy drunken hunters down below whose dirty fingers only wanted to gut and skin a magnificent creature, I tasted the wind, but only for a brief moment, I will never fly again, I am now a raggedy beggar man on the street holding a rusted tin can full of old jokes, I cry out to passersby on the city sidewalk “Please mister”, “Won’t you buy a joke from me”, “Only a nickel”, most ignore my pleas, some give me a sad half-smile that says “You poor pathetic man”, “Whatever became of you to have ended up in such a forlorn condition”, this once colorfully-plumed wild bird that flew among the clouds calling out to the world in a voice that sounded like a thousand excited geese is now a dead duck inside a hunter’s bloody pouch, I guess I should have seen it coming, nothing ever lasts in this world, life is just one short breath of air that is gone when it is exhaled, well, I have an old Charlie Manson joke about how when he was a kid he murdered a whole box of jelly donuts and his mother said the kitchen looked like a crime scene, I’m headed down to the barber shop to retell it again and try to relive a moment of my former glory days, this is Paulie, saying if you can’t have a funny day, then have a peaceful one, good afternoon…

Feb 23, 2021 Diary entry: I would like to encourage people to look into the history of the homes they live in, your home may have a rich history as mine does. I found out that my house was used as a hideout by John Dillinger the famous bank robber because it was centrally located between the grand movie houses of the day and the large banks that had weak or nonexistent security. We all know how Dillinger loved movie houses and banks, and my house still has many of the amenities that Dillinger cherished. I have an antique brass bathtub that Dillinger had shipped up specially all the way from Terre Haute. Dillinger loved bubble baths, he was an immaculately clean man even though his dirty behavior suggested otherwise. You have all heard the story of how the cops got wise to Dillinger’s attraction to movies, especially first-run debuts, well, one day Dillinger had just come home after watching Old Yeller, and the cops were waiting for him behind the bushes in the front yard of my house, and a famous shootout took place. I still have three bullet holes in my front door that were made by Dillinger’s Charter Arms American Bulldog .38 caliber revolver. My master bedroom has not been redecorated since the days when Scarface Al Capone slept there between beer wars and shootouts with rival gang members, Capone loved the room’s simple comforts and the large bed’s copper headboard. He even dug his initials into it, SAC, Scarface Al Capone. Scarface loved the airiness of the room and how the morning sun peeked into the easternmost window and kissed him softly on the cheek like his wife used to do back in Chicago. My home has a rich history that is beyond compare, I urge you all to research your own homes and find out their rich histories too, you might be amazed at what you find out. This is Paulie, saying “Keep history alive”, peace…

Feb 15, 2021 Diary entry: Joe the bartender has been like my own father to me these past years, he kicks me out of his place on a regular basis, and like my father, he always welcomes me back with open arms when I am sobered back up and I have money again, I would like to take this opportunity to buy drinks for everyone so we can salute Joe for all he has done, here’s to you Joe…

Feb 1, 2021 Diary entry: Hello, this is Doctor Paulie Gee, B.S., F.U., I come to you to clear up a small matter about the Abominable Snowman, or Yeti, or Bigfoot, the wild man animal that captured the world’s imagination. To those of you who set out on romanticized quests to capture this hairy beast, that was no beast you pursued, that was my Uncle Roger, my Uncle Roger was the hairiest man in all Henry County, he won prizes and everything, my Uncle Roger faked his death and went on the run to avoid paying my aunt alimony after their divorce, the grainy photographs you saw in the publications clearly show my uncle running, he was photographed running from my aunt’s investigator. I am sorry for any inconvenience caused to those of you who chased my uncle through the Himalayas, across the Cascadia Range, the Canadian Rockies, and through the dark forests of the world’s hinterlands. And no little girl, that wasn’t Yogi Bear who stole your family’s picnic basket up in Yellowstone, that was my Uncle Roger. I have been carrying this great burden of the story of my uncle for many long years and I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off my chest, I truly apologize to those of you who may have been caught up in my uncle’s exploits. That was not an exciting wild man animal that you chased, it was a timid and unassuming actuarial advisor who worked for a local Henry County insurance firm who sometimes enjoyed a quiet game of checkers or steaming the stamps off of old postcards, he was simply on the run from my aunt. With this great weight lifted off my shoulders, I may be able to sleep at night and stop pacing the floor at midnight and 1:00 AM, I look forward to finally getting a bit of peaceful rest before the apocalypse begins and I start pacing the floor again, this has been Doctor Paulie Gee, B.S., F.U., clearing up some of the haze that has been spread over and across the earth, I wish you peace…

Jan 29,2021 Diary entry: Good day, come right in, I’m happy to see that you’ve kept your appointment, lie down on the couch and get comfortable, I’ll just grab my note pad and a pencil and we will get started on trying to delve into the root causes of your mentalurgical delusions and insanitary co-optionary thought streams that have derailed your rational ability to think straight. Now I see here in my notes that you believe that politicians are real people who do real things, and you have been engaging in fights with others who share your own delusions, this is a very serious matter which must be addressed as our primary focus to improving your mentalary stability and ridding your brainwave theorationalization and hyperstimulatic system of the acute necropsy that has insinuated itself into your brain’s core thought response center. You do not have the common ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality, you listen to, and trust, people who you don’t know and have never met, you follow their words like a rat follows the Pied Piper, you follow strangers like night follows day, or day follows night, whichever one of those camps you’re in, you irrationally love or hate men and women who you know nothing about except for the fact that they wear a red ballcap or have a certain hair style. The psychiatry profession has a word for delusional patients like you, and that word is cuckoo, you are really cuckoo. Cuckoo has been an accepted medical and scientific term since 1951, when Doctor Otto Von Hunt published his well-received report entitled “The Established Relational Couplets Between the Diseased Patient and His Ambient Reality”, Doctor Von Hunt’s 2nd Compendium, Issue # 39 was published in serial form in all the widely accepted psychiatric journals from 1951 through 1959, and his work is the gold standard for cases like yours. There is a causal relationship between what we call a time drop fold within the oblong medulla’s sensory transportation wave foundation, and the core hypo-hypnotic detraction area deep within the brain proper, this area is about the size of a nickel and it looks like a shelled pecan to the uninformed layman. I expect that the cross-tertiary loco-affiliatory sensing structure has broken down because of the continual stress you place upon it day to day. The absence of a well maintained sensing structure means that you have no control over thoughts of fancy, reality, illusion, or make believe. In simple terms, your mind has become lost in a deep dark forest without the necessary mind flashlight to see your way out and back into the clearing where clear thoughts can once again elucidate you to the fact that you are indeed cuckoo beyond belief. It is my deeply considered opinion that you should turn off your television set, stop reading the newspaper, and no longer read political memes on Face Book, I suggest that you distance yourself from any and all political discussions and friends who engage in such destructive behavior. You have to take your mental health into your own hands and do the healing yourself if you are ever going to show improvement in your ability to think in a more rational and less insanitary manner. I could recommend that you be held over for observation in the more controlled environment of an insanitary institution, but I will hold off on such action for the foreseeable future, please pay my receptionist on your way out, this is Paulie, have yourself a mentally healthy day, peace…

Jan 23, 2021 Diary entry: As we continue to struggle to keep this sinking humor company from going clear to the bottom, we have letters from caring and concerned fans that we would like to take this opportunity to respond to. I have emptied our mailbag out onto my desk, and my lovely assistant Gweneeshah is handing me our first letter, thank you Gweneeshah, schwiiip, (that was my letter opener), hhooo, crinkle crinkle, this first letter is from a Fred in Seboygan, Fred writes “Paulie, you have told us very little about your education except for attending Free University”, “Can you fill in some blanks”, well Fred from Sheboygan, in my earliest years, I went to a prestigious and exclusive elementary school where they taught highly advanced concepts dealing with basic educational tactics which elucidated me immensely, my brain was packed full of data that I can instantly recall to this day, I dropped out after learning the multiplication tables before they got into long division. Later on in life I was enthusiastically accepted at an institution that had a program that was directed more to the individual student rather than to the group as a whole, I spent almost two years there at the Putnum County Home for the Criminally Insane, boy was my mother mad at me when I ran away from the only professional facility that would accept me with open arms, after that I drifted from one odd job to another, and one failed business venture to another, then after a lifetime of learning experiences, I became the well-rounded individual that I am today. Okay, now for our next letter, schwiiip, hhooo, crinkle crinkle, this letter is from a Mrs. Edna Clear, “Paulie”, “When are you going to pay for my broken window”, “You promised to pay”, Edna is our dear next-door neighbor, well Edna, your broken window payment is our highest priority and we will be focusing our full attention on it, next letter, schwiiip, hhooo, crinkle crinkle, this is a question from Fulbright Breeze out of Chicago, “Paulie”, “You alluded to the Hindu man snake in a basket joke many times”, “But you never gave us the punchline”, “Could you give us the punchline to the Hindu man snake in the basket joke”, “Thank you”, why yes, I’d be glad to Fulbright, the basket had a hole in the bottom. Next letter, schwiiip, hhooo, crinkle crinkle, this letter is from Miss Flora Davenport, out in Elwood, Flora writes “Dear Paulie”, “You promised to finish the farmer’s daughter and travelling Monsanto salesman joke”, “You never did”, well, as I recall Flora, there was a genetically modified phytoplasmic germ cell in the corn, and the farmer’s daughter had to go see the doctor, here’s another letter from Edna, “Paulie”, “That’s what you said the last time”, you sure have a good memory Edna, well I think we have time for just one more letter, schwiiip, hhooo, crinkle crinkle, this one looks like it is from Patty’s Party Hut, “Dear Sir” “Please remit the full payment due for the sangria fountain you broke” “We await your reply”, gee, I don’t remember that, I’ll ask around and see if anyone knows about this, well, that’s all the letters we have for today, we are closing up the mailbag until next time, please keep your cards and letters coming, we appreciate them all, I know I speak for Gweneeshah and the whole gang when I say, have yourself a funny day, peace and love…

Jan 17, 2021 Diary entry: Human immortality, we have achieved it, in a sense, please allow me to direct your attention to the recent story that has come out about the USDA finding humans in McDonald’s hamburger meat, and the experiments that kids and others have been doing where they have had McDonald’s hamburgers setting around for fifteen or twenty years and they look just like they did when they were first purchased, if we connect the dots, we have incontrovertible proof that human immortality has been obtained, the only catch is that you have to be ground up into a McDonald’s hamburger patty, but hey, immortality is immortality right, and you can also have fries with that, this is Paulie, have yourselves a wonderful and immortal day, peace…

Jan 16, 2021 Diary entry: For anyone who enjoys science fiction that has become reality, we have it, clones, biorobotoids, and various other laboratory humans have been mingling among us for some time now, but today we have massive numbers of newly created and unique humans all around us, if the stories are true about the flu and virus vaccines, people have now become connected to the World Wide Web, and I mean really connected, and they are now genetically modified, your barber is now a seedless watermelon, your brawny Irish bartender is now laboratory meat, your manicurist is a GSA-0002021XZ3 cantaloupe, the entire high school track team is a sack of McDonald’s French fries, the old man sitting on the bench in front of the hardware store has been red flagged, and the central AI computer system is downloading data to his internal hardware with instructions to delete, he is programmed to walk to the alley and jump in the dumpster, such is the world we live in, I sometimes wonder if humans, the way we have known them, are a thing of the past, anyway, I send my love to all the old type of human, and you seedless watermelons too, peace…