That Was No Bigfoot, That Was My Uncle

Feb 1, 2021 Diary entry: Hello, this is Doctor Paulie Gee, B.S., F.U., I come to you to clear up a small matter about the Abominable Snowman, or Yeti, or Bigfoot, the wild man animal that captured the world’s imagination. To those of you who set out on romanticized quests to capture this hairy beast, that was no beast you pursued, that was my Uncle Roger, my Uncle Roger was the hairiest man in all Henry County, he won prizes and everything, my Uncle Roger faked his death and went on the run to avoid paying my aunt alimony after their divorce, the grainy photographs you saw in the publications clearly show my uncle running, he was photographed running from my aunt’s investigator. I am sorry for any inconvenience caused to those of you who chased my uncle through the Himalayas, across the Cascadia Range, the Canadian Rockies, and through the dark forests of the world’s hinterlands. And no little girl, that wasn’t Yogi Bear who stole your family’s picnic basket up in Yellowstone, that was my Uncle Roger. I have been carrying this great burden of the story of my uncle for many long years and I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off my chest, I truly apologize to those of you who may have been caught up in my uncle’s exploits. That was not an exciting wild man animal that you chased, it was a timid and unassuming actuarial advisor who worked for a local Henry County insurance firm who sometimes enjoyed a quiet game of checkers or steaming the stamps off of old postcards, he was simply on the run from my aunt. With this great weight lifted off my shoulders, I may be able to sleep at night and stop pacing the floor at midnight and 1:00 AM, I look forward to finally getting a bit of peaceful rest before the apocalypse begins and I start pacing the floor again, this has been Doctor Paulie Gee, B.S., F.U., clearing up some of the haze that has been spread over and across the earth, I wish you peace…

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