The Dirty Side Of The Perry Mason Show

Apr 29, 2020 Diary entry: This Perry Mason is starting to really upset me, he doesn’t have any legal skills or deftness of tongue, he accuses every person in the courtroom and he badgers every witness under cross examination until one of them breaks down and can’t take it any more and they scream out they hated the murdered guy and killed him because his guts stunk like hell in a garbage can and they are glad they did it, and they wish the guy was alive so they could murder him again, I think the point is, uh, well, everything doesn’t have to have a point, let’s just leave it right there, Perry simply upsets me, he is really no more than a glorified Gilligan in a fancy suit who drives a nice car and takes his pretty secretary to late night soiree’s after court lets out, if Perry Mason was stranded on the island with the castaways, the Skipper would be on his ass for losing the compass and being a stupid dip shit; just because the guy has his own show, they make him out to be some kind of hero, look, I knew Gilligan, and Mr. Mason, you are no Gilligan; I have little-known information that was leaked to me by an unnamed Hollywood source whom I cannot identify, he was on the set of the Perry Mason show during the early years, he did Perry’s makeup before every taping of the show, he has documented proof that Perry Mason and the prosecutor Hamilton Burger were lovers, the producers had to keep it under wraps because they were afraid of losing the female viewers who were all enamored with Perry’s forceful ways, anyway, the relationship soured for some reason and Hamilton Burger hatched a blackmail scheme to get back at his former lover, anyway, a meeting was set up to meet at Burger’s cute little bungalow out on Belle Vista Boulevard where Perry was to pay him off with a suitcase of money, the whole thing went sour instantly, a fight broke out and Perry hit Hamilton Burger on the head with an antique Oriental lamp and killed him instantly, Perry set up the crime scene to make it look like suicide, then he hightailed it back to the office to meet Della under the pretext of going over past legal drafts about possible infidelities involving the prosecutor and another well-known Hollywood attorney whom I cannot mention by name, anyway, the cops scoured the crime scene out on Belle Vista Boulevard and came up with some damning evidence against Perry, but by this time, Perry had emptied out his wall safe and flown out of LAX to the islands, nothing short of extradition could bring him back to LA, he became one more Gilligan castaway on a remote little island in the sea where he spent the rest of his days looking for his lost compass and trying to build a coconut radio so he could get the game, well, life is certainly a continuum isn’t it, it revolves and revolves, and we seem to go right back around, from our future, right smack back to our past, I think life is a wheel that never leaves it’s axis, well, this is Paulie, turning in for the evening, good night house, good night mice, and good night world, I bid you all shalom…

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