Runnin’ In The Darkness

Diary entry: Hey everybody, Paulie here, it’s almost two in the morning, I’m here at Kim Eel’s Floating Fish Bar and Grill, the topic this evening has been the subject of “Breaking Out”, breaking out of this prison we’ve been incarcerated in our whole lives, breaking out of this prison for our minds; the Matrix, you’ve been told, is a prison, a prison for your mind, your mind is wrapped up in a web so dense there is no escape, all the truth in the world cannot save you, you’re in too deep, stop fighting it, the Matrix is too big and powerful, there is hope, but I fear you are so far back in the bushes that even the jackrabbits may devour your souls like they were dew covered clover petals that had been sprayed with defoliant and they barf your asses up into a pile of something that even the maggots won’t touch, anyway, it’s Free Giveaway Night here at the Floating Fish, Kim Eel and everyone here at the bar are giving advice away free to anyone who asks for it, I probably should bring to your mind though, the old wise adage that states “Be careful of what you ask for”, well, with that being said, we have a file folder of questions and comments that have been sent in to Paulie Gee’s Realtime Diary Company Inc. that were smuggled out under the cover of darkness the night Paulie was impeached and evicted from his cushy job as CEO, okay, our host Mr. Kim Eel will ask the first question, “Ah yes, why do Amelikan’s blame the honolable Japanese peopo for the attack on Pearl Harbor?”, say, Mr. Kim, allow me to answer that, it is because they are stupid, okay, question number B is “If our president is the new age messiah, can he turn water into wine?”, well, in a way, he turns water headed babies into whiners, question number C is from the man in the back, yes sir?, “Yeah, I ordered another pitcher of martinis twenty minutes ago, where is it?”, well, I’m sorry, Mr. Kim is out back speaking with a World War Two veteran who, I believe, has a gun, let’s move on to our first comment, this comment was sent in by a Mr. Yoo Fookin A. Hole, Mr. Hole writes “Dear Paulie, I read your Diary entry entitled ‘Lesbians and Irishmen’ and I hate your guts clear through, may your Blarney Stones be eaten by wild coyotes”, well, what can I say to that, except “Ouch”, well, let’s see here if we can find a particularly pertinent question on the current state of the world, no, not this one, not this one, uh, well, forget that, here’s another comment, slash, complaint, it’s from a lady from Bulgaria, a Mrs. Upyer Dark’ole, Mrs. Dark’ole writes “Dear Paulie, I think you stink, my ladies group made moussaka for our entire church assembly and I would like to sacrifice it by sticking it up your dark and unholy rear…”, whoa, let’s stop right there, I think we all get the point, that reminds me of a story, advice really, about the medical industry that the whole country worships, the subject of colonoscopies is a sensitive one, but please allow Paulie to shed some light on a dark mystery, illuminate a deep dark corner of your life, people, you are in the dark like a rusty colonoscope without any film in it and it’s light bulb is broke, Paulie spent time in the medical industry and he is here to tell you that getting a colonoscopy is not the easy squeezy thing they advertise it to be, the hamburger you pick up at the window is not the same one you saw on television, and that colonoscopy isn’t the same one you have in your mind, these “flexible” sigmoidoscopes are as flexible as that goose neck lamp on your work desk, these doctors are basically shoving your ugly H.H.Gregg lamp up your ass just to have a look see, in the old days we did these procedures for a specific reason, today they sell you idiots colonoscopies like the hot dog guy at the ballpark sells hot dogs to drunken Cubs fans, look, these tools they use to root around inside you are old, they have been used over and over, they have been banged around in autoclaves, dropped on floors, they lay around in hospital sinks like your dirty dishes at home, your china gets chipped and damaged, and so do these steel snakelike things, they have burrs and barbs on them that will cause them to get stuck inside you, Paulie has seen it, now I admit, our colonoscopes were somewhat old, I think they were used by the allies in World War Two, they looked like the old tanks, you know, they had that drab green paint on them that was peeling, anyway, we had a special case that needed looking into, we began the procedure as always, we were about ten or fifteen feet inside this guy, checking him out, all was going to plan, we had confirmed our original diagnosis so we began pulling out, smooth as can be, until the damn thing got hung up somewhere, we pulled and yanked but it wouldn’t break free, it was like when you’re cleaning a bottle with a bottle brush and the brush is too big and it goes in okay but doesn’t come out, or when you try to clear your wife’s vacuum cleaner hose with a coat hanger and you get it stuck and throw the whole thing away and tell your wife the motor is burned out, to just buy a new one, anyway, the most god awful thing happened, on the last hard tug, the guy’s rectum came out attached to the little camera thing, it was awful, it looked like an inside-out sock, I barfed on the floor, I never saw such a horrifying thing, I didn’t go to the bathroom for a week, well, this is just a heads up, you never get the hamburger or the colonoscopy they show you on TV, one looks as if it’s been sat on, the other won’t be sat on for a long time, this is Paulie saying shalom…

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